opinions and independence

I’ve come to learn that shit does happen. It is one line that I found is true. Life isn’t a bed of roses so things may and can go wrong no matter how smoothly things seem now. Life is not about it being placid. Life is full of ups and downs and we have to learn how to deal with it when shit does happen.

I’ve had support and encouragement and I believe that I have indeed grown to be a stronger person. I believe that I am able to have the courage to just let things go because I have learnt my lesson. No one is that stupid to not have learnt a lesson. I mean if you get punished for cheating, obviously you’ll think twice about cheating again because you wouldn’t want to get punished again would you? Forgetting will allow your soul to be lighter and free. Free from the burden that has rested so long.

I do hope that Yow Fei will be able to pull through the difficulty he’s facing now. I hope that things turn out well for him. I try not to deal on negative things anymore. I should not be thinking so negatively of myself. It was an advice and I take it and apply it. It’s true, why should I be blaming myself for something that I did not do? Why do I allow people to feed me with false guilt over something I have no fault in?

People have always been bitching about me and I have not taken all those things to heart so why should things be different now? In fact, if they want to talk bad about me, spread rumours I don’t fucking care anymore. I have always had my own personality, some find it too strong because I have my own principles and my own opinions. They somehow think women should be more complacent and not have opinions of their own. Maybe it’s because of my independence that people dislike due to some reasons. Maybe it’s because they are not that independent. So, if they don’t like my attitude or my headstrong personality, it ain’t my problem.

I have no time to think of what people think of me. I don’t care. I mean, I live for myself I don’t live for them. I lead my own life, people don’t lead my life. I decide for myself what I want, I don’t follow people blindly. I have my own principles, a backbone. I have pride and dignity although Lina thinks sometimes I have too much but hey, that’s who I am. I am at the peak of my last days of my teenage year. I should be having fun and not mourning over something that is lost. If it’s lost then it’s lost. I don’t feel remorse. Why should I?

My mum says that the past years I’ve been living is a chapter of my life and it has met a closure. Soon I will be starting a new chapter in life and everything else is just a memory or just plain forgotten. I agree. Start a new chapter in life and live in the present, not the past. People will not progress or improve if they constantly hold back and live in the past. My studies and my future career is my main platter, love relationships are a side dish. I mean, you can’t survive on love only. You got to be realistic. As cruel as it may sound but love does not put food on the table.

Disclaimer : This post is for expressing my opinions and are not meant to hurt anyone directly or indirectly unless names are stated. Therefore I will not accept any suing claims from any people asking me to pay for physical/psychological damages inflicted from reading this entry. Thank you.

money spent..

After spending RM400, my pc is finally fixed and is currently running on 768MB RAM and 160GB of space plus nVidia GEFORCE4 5200 graphics card. This is gonna be my new baby. Bit by bit, I’m gonna upgrade it. Next on the list would be my other stuff. I will get it next year after working hard this year. Next, casing fan for my cpu, if possible, Altec Lansing speakers and wireless keyboard and mouse. Maybe then, change motherboard to allow DDR RAM to work and not forgetting, a DVD rom. Okay, that will amount to quite a lot of money but if I work hard enough and save enough, maybe in a “few” years, that will be possible. ^_^

Korean series and movies, here I come!! Wahahahahaha….

Other than that, nothing much. Just counting down the days till I last see Hefni. I can’t wait to go shopping with Francesca on Friday. Hm, what else? Meg is back, that’s a good thing. We can both gush over Rain and Full House and stuff. I will have a new store manager, a good looking Indian. Just hope that he will be an easy man to work with. All these while, he’s been a nice guy but you gotta work with him to know better.

Can’t wait to get my stuff next year. Gambate!

i love you hefni..

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I cried with Francesca. First time I cried at work, I wanted to stop but seeing him made the tears fall out freely and soon I was choking on my tears. You must be wondering who, it’s Hefni. He will be transferred to Amcorp Mall and his last day as my supervisor will be on the 30th this month. I only have another 3 days with him.

I bathed yesterday and I cried. Who will be there to hug me I am angry? Who will be there to kiss me to try to patch things up? Who will be there to blow into my ear to make me giggly? Who will be there to make growling sound to put a smile on my face? Who will I “manja” to now? Who will I rest my head on and take in his scent? Where will all these precious memories go when he’s gone?

I love him so much and so does Francesca. Both of us love him so much that we both cried our eyes out. He came in and asked us why but we just cried. I squatted down, putting my head aside so that I wouldn’t be able to see his face. He came and asked me to stand up but I didn’t want to because I was crying. He pulled me up and hugged me, asking me not to cry. I hugged him and continued crying. Now, images of him swirled in my head. No one would manja with me anymore with him gone. I’m beginning to hate my district manager now for transferring him away. Hefni promised he will be back after one month but what if he doesn’t?

Francesca said she cried all the way home and now, I’m crying my eyes out. I do not want him to leave but who are we to say anything? As I think of the times I spent with him, there is no one on the management team that I’m closer to. Why? I can’t let him go, I don’t want to. I don’t want him to leave us. There will no longer be the pioneer management team that opened Starbucks Leisure Mall #060. Martin has long gone to Midvalley while Simon is resigning next month. Now Hefni is gone.. Francesca even cursed my district manager, saying that she hopes he rots in hell and all. She hates the district manager and now I’m beginning to dislike him. How many more changes in the management team will he do before he’s finally satisfied? How many more do we have to endure?

FRANCESCA AND I LOVE YOU HEFNI. I’M GONNA MISS YOU..

after turbulent and suppressive times, i'm finally free and happy!

These days have been good. I have been talking to my mum, she is very supportive and approves of it. So I’m very happy. It’s like a big burden taken off my chest. Heck, even food tastes nicer nowadays. She’s right and I will take her advice.

I love Fran and Andrew. I simply love them to bits. Best friends ever. Simon thinks I’m having an affair with Andrew though. *laughs* that old man is beginning to have Alzheimer’s disease I think. Meg’s coming back to work next week so I have my group of great friends to work with again! People think it’s rather pitiful for me to be working every day for this long holiday of 3 months but hey, they don’t know that I’m working with people who supports me and encourages me.

I’m back! I love being single and god, the freedom is good! Fran told me that those belonging to the Sagittarius are people who want and crave freedom. That explains why I feel caged and suppressed before but no more, I’m finally FREE!! This calls for a celebration!! Maybe I’ll go out with Fran and Andrew or something. Life is indeed good!

whatever, i'm numb.

Indeed, he didn’t call me fuck and shit. That I don’t deny. I never called him fuck and shit either. So, if he thinks karma is getting back at me. Sure, whatever. Karma it is then. Then again, everyone has karma. Karma comes around. Cut me some slack? I have no idea what’s that supposed to mean. All I know is I’m angry and I’m voicing my feelings out. Freedom of blogging, just like everyone else has the right to write whatever they want on their blogs. Expecting an apology from me again? A public apology? I’ll remember the word, KARMA.

happy birthday LINA

Today, Lina’s birthday so I’ve still got another 40 minutes before time’s up. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINA!! Sorry today was damn rushed. Promise next time we spend more time together bitchin’ ok? But that is if you want to.

Well, I don’t why I give a shit. Now that I know it doesn’t mean anything to him, why should it mean so much to me? Just because we’re not associated means that 5 years is nothing. What the fuck?! Endured shit with him and it’s nothing to him at the end of the day. Fine, whatever. Since he doesn’t fucking care about this 5 year friendship, I should probably stop bawling my god damn eyes out. “Surrounded by lots of masculine energy, you're feeling empowered and fierce.” is my horoscope for today and I am indeed feeling very fierce. I don’t need any more shit than now. Let him live in his lil wonderful world. I’m gonna live my own.

On a more cheerful note, I have been pretty close to Andrew and Kok Weng lately. More so with Andrew. He said, “I’m gonna love you more this time so that you can get over that shit.” I’m thankful for him being there. I rested my head on his broad shoulders and he rested his head on mine. It was a very loving scene; even Kit thought we look like a couple. Yesterday was the first time Andrew touched my hand and my face. I’m thankful for the hug he gave because I needed it. I had cried the night before; he was there to comfort me. He said he will help me get through it. He’s a nice guy no matter that others think. Kok Weng on the other hand has been flirting with me from Thursday till now but I heard his grandma passed away today, my deepest condolences to him. Hope he’ll be okay soon.

Okay, I’m sure I’ll get over my stupid emotional self. I feel like a fucking complete fool for feeling this way when it actually doesn’t mean anything to him. Strong me is finally back, the one that doesn’t give a fuck. Heck, if he can do it why not me? I have always been stronger than him anyway.

To all who cared, thanks.

short update

Today is a weird day for me. My last paper is today so I’m finally free from exams and I’ll have 3 months holiday. I found out today that results will be out the next day which is real fast because I just finished exams and they’re releasing results unit by unit. Oh well…

I was listening to Gavin Degraw’s “More Than Anyone” in my car and I love that song. I had the urge to cry. The lyrics hit my heart at the right spots. I really wanted to cry and he sang with so much emotions. I’m listening to it now and I feel like crying. Recovery of 60% dropped to 40%. I wanna pull through it, I really do. God, please give me the strength to recover and the ability to forget. I want to forget, I need to forget. I need to save myself before I destroy myself.

I don’t want to shed anymore tears. Tears that I shed only for one person, I don’t want to shed them anymore. I thank my friends for encouraging and supporting me… thank you Francesca, Meg and Andrew. Thanks!

Aja aja fighting!

this is the song currently on replay. Gavin Degraw's "More THan Anyone"

"More Than Anyone"

You need a friend
I'll be around
Don't let this end
Before I see you again
What can I say to convince you
To change your mind of me?
I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm going to love you more than anyone
Look in my eyes, what do you see?
Not just the color
Look inside of me
Tell me all you need and I will try
I will try
I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm going to love you more than anyone
Free for you, whenever you need
We'll be free together baby
Free together baby
I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to love you more than anyone

Just a friend

Has been a long time since I last posted a poem of my own. I was listening to a song and I just sorta got into the mood and the result? A crappy poem below.

I saw you standing in the dark,
You were so much in love,
With your hand on her heart,
You said you were just friends.

From her fingers in your hair,
I know better now,
I will forgive you,
If you say I am the one.

I have had other options,
But all I ever wanted was you,
You fit my soul like a glove,
You were all I ever wanted.

You said you were just friends,
Why can’t you stay true?
True to the one who loves you,
True to the one who’d die for you.

I will forgive you,
Just say that I’m the one,
I will forget all you’ve done,
Just say that I’m the one.

Who is she to you?
Only just a friend?
She looks at you longingly,
and you look at her lovingly.

My heart is crushed,
My soul has fleeted,
I stood there dumbfounded,
Willing myself not to believe.

How can I not believe?
It happened right before me,
Your hands on her,
Your hands which used to be mine.

I will forgive you,
Just say that I’m the one,
I will forget all you’ve done,
Just say that I’m the one.

dedicated to Walter

Okay, I told him I’m sorry but it seems he's not taking my apology. Maybe he needs some time to cool down his anger? I don't know. Walter, it's been 5 friggin years... The things we've been through, the ups and downs, it's the most I’ve been through with any friend. I thought I might have understood you after all these years, I could be wrong. I thought you might have understood me after all these years too but then again, I could be wrong.

Walter, I’m sorry you had to feel the bitterness I felt. I’m sorry that the wrath not intended for you was felt by you. I’m sorry for everything. I’m willing to patch things up with you, are you willing to do the same or am I the only person who’s trying to patch up something that’s not going to work? You once asked me if you’re important to me and yes, you are important to me. As a friend that has stood by me through thick and thin, through laughter and tears. You’re as important to me as Lina is as important to me. You’re as important to me as Madeleine is as important to me.

I’ve come to a point in life when I begin to love the friends I have. I really love them. Like how I love Hefni, like how I love Lina, like how I love Madeleine. I really love them all. And the same goes to you; I love you as a friend that has been with me for 5 years. It’s half a decade; it’s not a short period. We have a deep friendship that is rare among friends, so deep that it becomes special in some way. Not romantically but special nonetheless.

I know I’ve been an ass. The words I’ve said, the things I’ve done. If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t have said all the things that will hurt you, do the things that will bring pain to you. But, things said and done all I can ever say is I’m sorry. Are you not going to forgive me? Are you going to discard this old friend you have? What else can I say but apologise for the foolish mistakes I made? A friend taught me to forget everything and salvage this special friendship I have with you. Here I am, apologising and I get no response. I feel as if you’re really angry at me, that you do not want to bother about me anymore. As if our friendship is finito, the end. Is that what you wanted? Or are you too content in your little world to bother about the other people around you? Maybe so… maybe we’re no longer important to you.

I probably understand now how u felt when ah boy got together with EC but I’m trying to be understanding. I will not push you further. I just want you to know that I’m sorry. Walter, I’m sorry.

updates as usual... trying to cut down on my sarcasm so that people won't get hurt..

Funny… I really do forgive but don’t forget but I guess that applies to most of us. Well, at least I think it does apply to most of us. Been thinking about some stuff that happened recently and I laughed cynically. Really, some people have to get a grip of themselves. I might be one of them, I might not. I’ve been told that my sarcasm sometimes is a little overboard so I’ll try controlling it. Heck, I’ve always liked my sarcasm but it seems that some people just don’t get it and worst, some just misunderstand it. So, my bad. In general, my fault. It has been all this while so what makes this an exception right? They say matured people accept their faults and learn from it. I’m accepting mine and learning from it so I do hope you guys will also learn to accept your faults, accepting it doesn’t mean accepting defeat. It just means that you’re willing to learn from your mistakes and grow from it.

Wow, things have been happening real fast these days I’m just so caught up in it. Madeleine is probably scared of what she’s seeing of me now. Hell, everyone’s afraid of seeing their friends’ darker side. That’s why it’s called the darker side. Well, I told her I’ll try not to venture too dark into the dark side. I’ll be at the borderline. I’ve already had my share of pulling people who ventured too deep into the dark side and I don’t want my friends to ever do the same for me. Don’t worry, I’ll pull through. Hey, it’s me you’re talking about, I always pull through no matter what. I need time and space as always…

Ok, I need to clear things up as usual. Clean up your mess after u make one, that’s what they always say. Since I’m accepting my faults, I gotta say SORRY to WALTER for saying the wrong things at the wrong time. I gotta say SORRY to MADELEINE for making her the center person, for being in the crossfire. I gotta say SORRY to BRANDON for actually believing your words that you so carefully crafted when going after so many other girls. I gotta say SORRY to LINA for always ranting and make your ears turn red. I gotta say SORRY to FRANKIE for letting you hear my weaker side. I gotta say SORRY to everyone else who has suffered when I was lurking in the dark side.

Madeleine was a bit worried about me turning into a lesbian. She says it’s not me but I say what the hell… after the problems I’ve encountered with guys, maybe things will be better with girls. I might start with Francesca and then move on to Lina. Lol, fret not girls… it’s just a thought; I haven’t really turned into a lesbian yet. Just pray the right guy comes along so that it’ll prevent me from turning into one and making u guys the victims.

Vulnerability aside, I think I’ve learnt my lesson. Madeleine wants Andrew to stay away from her and I guess I want loser guys to stay away from me. Ok, so what else did I do that offended you guys? Bring it on. Tell me straight into my face and not go beating around the bush, leaving me in the dark. I need to know what I did and clarify it if need be. Then again, I have a nasty temper so if u wanna fight with me, let’s see who has the nastier temper.

Aja aja fighting!

recovering slowly but surely.. anger and hatred fuels my life now.

I wonder if using anger and hatred to fuel my life is healthy. After all these anger I’m spitting out, I’m actually wondering if it’s good for my health but heck, who cares anyway? I’m still living my life, I don’t live it for anyone else so I guess it’s still good. It’s weird how you think someone is your friend but they went back on their promises. Tell you my problems? *cynical laugh* I don’t tell people my problems unless you have half of my trust and I don’t tell people my problems if I can help it so that I don’t burden people with it. If can, I would rather shoulder all of it than to place my friends in a difficult situation but sorry Lina, I guess I did put you in a difficult situation by telling you all these stuff.

My friend said, “In real life I got a simple rule.... I hate everyone. Whoever knows to overcome this hatred & gains my respect can turn into a potential friend” and I think that it is one way to prevent yourself from being betrayed. She was recently betrayed by a person whom she knew for quite some time and she said, “look at what trusting ppl did for me.”. I guess, sometimes we just can’t trust anyone. Trust will only put you in danger when someone decides to take it and throw it right back into your face.

How can one grow stronger? I have no idea because I’m still working out on that myself. Maybe for me is just not trusting people and keeping everything to myself if possible. Maybe for me, growing stronger means turning cold. Maybe just maybe, I’ve grown a little stronger after all that’s happened to me recently. Like what Greg said, I probably need room to grow after all the bad things that have built up recently. I probably do need space. At least till I’m sure I’m perfectly ok again. Right now? I’m probably at 60%. Slow progress right?

Oh well, I’m living by my principle of “without a boyfriend, I will not die”. Funny how my last few posts seems to put me in a feminist light and the whole betrayed crap. Maybe I’m still angry at being betrayed, being played out. Andrew supports me when he heard what happened and I’m surprised that he sounded as if he really wished I wasn’t hurt. And to the few others out there who did wish I wasn’t hurt, thank you for your support. It means a lot to me when I’m in the gutter.

I just want my bloody exams to be over so I can be free and start working again. At least that will take my mind off one matter.

you think it's love? you're wrong. you guys are pathetic losers..

Okay, I’ve had requests to not be a feminist because it seems to be the quickest route to being a lesbian. Greg asked me not to turn into a feminist. Ok, I won’t turn into a feminist but being feminist doesn’t necessarily make u a lesbian right? I mean I still adore men (I mean would you look at the background of my blog? He’s the most handsome men ever!) it’s just that I don’t really trust guys anymore. I gave them half of my trust and look what they did with it. They threw it right into my face. Imagine if I’ve given them all of my trust. I’ve already said that I don’t trust people completely anymore. And oh yeah, I still don’t know why guys find lesbians to be such a turn on. *shrug*

Like I mentioned in my previous entry, I’ve ceased being close to him. It seems as if the more I see him, the more I feel the resentment growing in me. It’s guys like him that makes me want to be a feminist. I get the feeling of being played out but never again. I will not be that stupid anymore. If you can’t wait for me, then you’re not really in love with me. That’s what I believe. There’s no use in pressuring me to accept you so quickly if you can’t even wait for me. If he doesn’t get a girlfriend, he’ll die. That’s the impression he gives me now. I can’t believe I actually once liked him. Now, it’s just the growing resentment in me. Yes, I’ve turned cold.

Like Lina, I believe love comes in different ways. I love Greg for being as perverted as me and for sharing the same passion. I love Hefni for being the greatest supervisor ever and it’s my love for him that I want to make sure no one ever says bad things or do bad things to him. I love Lam for being the asshole he is and for the bone crushing hugs he gives. I love Andrew for the gentle and perverted giant he is. Hell, I love a lot of people yet it doesn’t mean I love them romantically.

For now, I’m just sick of being romantically linked to anybody. I’m an independent girl and I need an independent guy if I was to ever be romantically involved with someone. I can’t stand guys who’d cling to me all the time, for fear of losing me or just for attention or whatever crappy reason there is. I don’t have time for guys who can’t even make a bloody decision and stick with it. That’s fickle-minded. I don’t have time for guys who’d keep a girl as a back up if things go wrong with another. I don’t have time for guys who can’t even be sure if it’s love or if it’s pity.

Right now, I’m not interested. I’d prefer having my perverted and passionate conversations with Greg than being choked in what guys think is love but isn’t.

stay away you hypocrites.. u have no place in my world

I’m beginning to get worried. I’m worried I’m about to turn into an extreme feminist. I feel as if I cannot trust guys that much anymore. That one thing happened and already it made me weak and just as I was about to pick myself up, another blow comes. He told me to give him time to prove himself worthy of me and all of a sudden out of nowhere, he told me he’s back with his ex-gf. I’m beginning to think he’s a real desperate guy who without a girlfriend, he would die. I’m beginning to think everything’s a lie and I’m determined not to get close with him anymore. Does he think after all that he can still treat me like nothing happened? Hugging me and all? No more. It’s gone.

Now when I have problems of any sort, I only turn to 2 people. These are the two people I trust more than the others, Lina and Frankie. Lina is the person who provides me with humour and with comfort when everything seems upside down for me. Frankie is a matured person who gives me good advice and it’s because I’m following his advice that I’m beginning to heal steadily. I can’t thank both of you enough; you guys are the greatest gems when I’m feeling down.

Heck, I should probably live my own life for myself from now on. No more intense feelings, no more commitment. I guess my wish was granted, I’m beginning to turn cold. It’s best for me that way, I need my barrier again to prevent myself from being betrayed and hurt. I’ve still got Lina to keep me company, to support me and to encourage me. I’m glad I’m back to my old self… no more deep feelings, no more commitments. I feel more free. No more, I will not let any guys hurt me anymore. I will not tolerate it. I will not be that gullible anymore, I will not trust their words that easily anymore.

I NEED TO BE STRONG AND INDEPENDENT. I’m not just an ordinary girl. Beware.

a new day

It’s 6.30am and I’m about to go to university. After days of struggling, maybe, just maybe I’m finally letting go. It’s good that I took Frankie’s advice. Just for the time being, I’m playing the disappearing act. Time, that’s what I need.

I was doing my hair in the bathroom just now and all of a sudden I thought of my ex-boyfriends. So far, in all the relationships I’ve been, only two of them seemed real. First was of course my so-called “first contact” with a guy, Kah Wai in primary school. Yeah, imagine how young and naïve I was. He was the first guy I cried over after we broke up and yes, he was the last too. In subsequent relationships, when I broke up I did not shed a tear. I could be cruel or I could have built a protective wall from being hurt.

Second would of course be Weinon. Probably the only boyfriend that treats me the best. Now, thinking of him puts a smile on my face as I think back of the times we went through. He loved me a lot and cared for me a lot. He’s the first guy ever to kiss me on the cheek too. I still remember the time when it was raining heavily and he was under the umbrella with me. He walked me to the place where I always waited for my parents. Just as my parents’ car approached, he said those three little words and ran off into the rain. Funny how I can remember things like that when important things (like study material) never seem to stick long to me.

Would I ever be in a relationship again despite being asked countless times? I’m not sure. I’m not in a hurry to commit myself. After the stormy days, I finally believe I have found myself again. The old me that believes without a boyfriend I will not die. The old me that believes I can be strong on my own. The old me that believes I am independent. For those who have finally found their love, I wish you all the best and what can I say? Treat him/her good. For now, I’ll like to just keep the memories of my previous relationships and remember that at one time of my life, I was happy with the guy who was in a relationship with me.

Time to move on, bigger things to think about. I should not waste my time and my tears on things that might not happen. I’ve once said, I don’t waste time and energy on something that is not confirmed it will happen. Stand strong, let the big winds blow and I will not sway. I will let go, I will forget and hopefully, new things will come my way and better things too. Clear my mind of all frustrations, be positive and meet the day with a smile on my face. This is what I will do and I can do it. I believe so.

Maybe this closes a chapter of my life. The chapter of tears, hurt and grief. Like a new chapter on a fresh page, my heart and mind is beginning to start afresh too. Thanks Lina for being there for me, for listening to my incessant rants and complains. Thanks for giving me comfort and for your advice. Thanks Frankie for sharing with me your experience and your thoughts. Both of you picked me up from the drain and washed me clean with your comfort and words. Thank you very much. I believe the sun is peeking out from the clouds now on this new day.

what the hell is wrong?

People think I’m selfish, selfish for not letting him go. Is asking some concern the same as asking him to still treat me as a gf? I’m happy he finally found someone else. I just want the feelings when we were still friends at that time, the same carefree happy feelings. Is that the same as asking him to treat me as a gf? I think not.

Some people tend to misunderstand my actions yet I do not ask them to understand me because like I’ve said countless times, who would understand me and who would understand how I really feel? All you guys ever saw was what is on the surface but how many of you know what’s happening within?

I am also tired of being known as the bitch that doesn’t wanna let go. I’m tired of being known as the bitch that’s holding him back and not giving him what he wants. I’m tired of people thinking of me that way. Do you think I do not know the times he were with me, all I’ve ever given him was pain and misery? Do you think I do not know that every time he was with me he was miserable? Do you think I do not want him to be happy?

Put yourself in my shoes before saying something. Think of how you would feel in your shoes. Do not think that he’s the only one who has invested effort in the relationship I had once with him. I have made efforts to keep the friendship going on after what seems like countless problems. Do you think I take this relationship lightly?

What is wrong with me wanting to have times like the old days where we are just plain carefree? Do friends not care about their friends anymore the moment they find someone else? Is that concern only able to be given by a lover? I think not. So tell me, what is wrong with me wanting to have a nice carefree friendship with him? Or tell me, what the hell is wrong with you guys?

memories

The past few entries have been pretty depressing and seem to be the trend for posts to come. I seem to only update my blog during wee hours of the morning, when silence sets in and my mind starts to think.

Space is what I asked for, space is what I got. Even though we have been talking to each other yet there is an empty space in me that seemingly only he can fill which is weird. I guess after all these years that we’ve spent in each other’s company made him somewhat indispensable.

Reading and thinking made me think of a lot of stuff. I thought of the time when he wanted to go to Australia to be a chef and he asked if I will cry when he does leave. I remembered saying that I’m already crying before he even left. I remembered those words he said to me, “you’re my angel but also my little devil.” I wrote it down and it’s in my file, reminding me of him. It’s weird that everything I have reminds me of him. For as long as possible, I do not want to take out the pendants at all. He gave it to me, I will wear it.

I guess 2005 was a bad year for us. This year we seemed to have more conflicts than usual. Words were said, actions were done and the pain was inflicted. I thought about 5 years back when we used to call each other at night and chat till the wee hours of the morning. Days were good then. Everything was good between us.

Maybe because it’s early morning, I feel an ache in my heart. I feel like he is not concerned about me anymore. I’m having my exams too but he didn’t really seem to care or wish me luck. I have my problems too but he wasn’t there. He was too busy. Yet, he’ll probably think I’m not there for him when he was having problems. However, I think back of those days when we used to chat online, who was there for him then? Wasn’t it me?

Where was the sincere smile? Where was the concern? Where was the old Walter that I used to enjoy? Where did it go? Where did he go? Where the once happy sms-es? Where has all these gone? Have they faded to just become memories? Memories of the past? Tears are rolling down my cheek as I type this out. The very emotion I’m feeling now. No one would understand the relationship I once had with him. No one understood how I felt but yet again, my actions never seem to justify how I felt. It is something deep that cannot be explained.

Hadn’t he once implied that he’ll never like anyone else like I reportedly said months ago? Hadn’t he said, “The door is always open.”? I guess I chose to shut it in his face..

Memories,
The joy and the laughter,
The pain and the tears,
The ups and downs,
The sunshine and rain.

Memories,
Leaving an empty shell,
Leaving an empty heart,
Leaving a tired soul,
Leaving tears behind.

Memories,
The smile on your face,
The sound of your voice,
The touch of your hand,
The way you smell.

Memories,
Everything seems so far,
Everything seems changed,
Everything seems dark,
Everything seems hopeless.

Memories,
You leave a mark in me,
A mark that will never leave,
A mark that is here to stay,
A mark so deep it hurts.

Memories,
Won’t you take me away?
Briskly into the night,
Under the pale moonlight,
Under the shining stars.

Memories,
I need your wings,
To fly away from here,
To leave my heart behind,
To leave you behind.

Memories,
Grant me my wish,
My wish of happiness,
Not for me but for him,
Not for anyone else.

Memories,
Grant me another wish,
My wish of being cold,
Not for him but for me,
Not for anyone else.

Memories,
I pray that you grant me my wishes,
I need them granted so badly,
I need him to be happy,
I need me to be cold.

i'm tired...

It’s almost 3 am and I am still awake. There is a funny feeling inside. A sense of uncomfort maybe? I don’t know.

If someone was there for me when I was at my lowest, if someone was there to pick me up after I fall, if someone made me see things in a different perspective, if someone made me strong again after I became weak, should I start liking the person in a different way? Should that like turn into love? Should sympathy, support and encouragement be misunderstood for love? When does one know it’s love and when it’s just support and pity? Of all of my online friends, I really have to thank Greg because he did all of the above. He was there for me when the depression sinks in; he picked me up and gave me comfort. Deep down, I am grateful I met him.

On the other hand, is it wrong for me to concentrate on my studies? Is it wrong for me to push everyone away so that I can concentrate on my exams? When I say I’m tired, I really am. Family, friends, work, studies. Just how much can I take? I have to balance everything out because if the scale is unbalanced, everything goes awry and who will pick the pieces up? Me. Sometimes I feel it’s just a one way thing. Like I am the only one making an effort to make sure everything is in balance. Like no one really understands the situation I’m in. it’s true, no one does understand what I’m going through. What do they know? Just plain ol’ me who doesn’t study till exams come, me who seems to have so much fun it’s a sin. Who really know what I’m dealing with? Who really knows the pressure of everything closing in on me? No one.

I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of people taking me for granted. I’m tired of people wanting me to be everywhere at one time. I’m tired of doing charity. Do they even acknowledge all I’ve done for them? Do they know the sacrifices I made? Do they know how I tried to make them happy? Or do they only remember the bitter memories I bring? I am only human, I am not perfect. Why do they expect everything to be perfect from me?

Why do I feel so tired? Is it the responsibilities of others I’m helping them to shoulder that are bringing me down? Is it my nature of trying to help them that’s finally causing the end of me? Why is it that my deepest feelings cannot be expressed freely? Why is it every time I do that, people misunderstand it and think otherwise? How long do I need to suppress all this? Someone tell me, how long all this must go on? Someone, tell me.

best song by BSB

i really love this song from Backstreet Boys taken from their Black & Blue album. the melody is beautiful and the lyrics is nice, coupled with their silky vocals (namely Brian and Howie), it touched my heart.


"How Did I Fall In Love With You?"

Remember when, we never needed each other
The best of friends like
Sister and Brother
We understood, we'd never be,
Alone

Those days are gone, and I want you so much
The night is long and I need your touch
Don't know what to say
I never meant to feel this way
Don't want to be
Alone tonight

[chorus:]
What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that, I resemble

I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
Don't want to be,
Alone tonight

[chorus:]
What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

[Bridge:]
Oh I want to say this right
And it has to be tonight
Just need you to know, oh yeah

I don't want to live this life
I don't want to say goodbye
With you I wanna spend
The rest of my life

[chorus:]
What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
Everything's changed, we never knew

How did I fall,
in love ,
with you?

feelings

It’s weird how I’m feeling inside. It’s sort of indescribable. Things haven’t really been the same and for a relationship that has stretched over a span of 5 years, I feel uncomfortable with the current situation. Sure, everything is out in the open yet the comfortable feeling we used to have seems to have disappeared.

The familiar “chink” still resonates whenever I move. He no longer wears it but I still do, maybe because I have become so accustomed to it that without it, it doesn’t seem right. When in deep thought, I’d hold the pendant and memories come flooding in. I don’t really seem to remember the sad ones; I only remember the happy ones which I think are good. I should think of the happy memories instead of the sad ones.

Really…. Will we ever be the same again? Is the wound too deep? He has found someone new and that’s good for him. To hell and back? Does it apply to both of us? I don’t know. Can’t believe I’m feeling down early in the day. What happened to the Caryn from long ago? What happened to the person where she lived the days as happily as possible without any worries? Is it because I’ve grown and somewhat matured that it’s inevitable to worry somehow?

I’ve learnt my lesson once again. As if once or twice isn’t enough to make me realize, it had to happen again to remind me of how dangerous it was. Now I know, I’ll never trust anyone 100% ever again. Secrets are meant to be secrets and even if they are to be shared, I will choose the people properly. Never again will I talk so freely without thinking. Never again will I say things that are meant to be private. Never again will I allow myself to be betrayed.

Don't Look Back In Anger

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd once never been
All the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away

So I start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I have went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I hear you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows if it's night or day
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock n Roll band
Who'll throw it all away

So I start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I have went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I hear you say

Don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
At least not today