pessimistic

It’s not a good day for me. I lost something I should not have lost and I’m pining over its lost now. I didn’t even notice it until I got back home. It could be anywhere in town! I am depressed. Seeing Walter now made me more depressed. He deserves so much better yet why is god treating him that way? What good does it do to him to make him go through so much? That will only push him further and further away into the abyss. He hasn’t been really talking to me, I wonder if it’s because I didn’t go see him at the Rock Fest. It was good at least some people he knew were there to see him. He needs all the support he can get.

Today is just bad in many ways although I went shopping despite the fact that I’ve got exams next week. It’s just bad…. What power does a human have when everything is grey around them? There is a saying that everything grey has a positive and negative perspective of looking at it. How can one look at something bad with a positive attitude when things are in the dumps?

How can life be nice when things hit you straight in the face, blow after blow? How can love be wonderful when it brings so much pain? Sure, people say life is all about the ups and downs but how many can be so optimistic about life? Sure, people say love brings you happiness but how many have actually experienced that without a big dose of pain?

When everyone seems to have left you alone in this big world, who then do you turn to? Who do you go to when the world is empty and you’re left standing there? Is it at this time that you wish you could actually turn away from everything and everyone? That everyone would really just disappear and have a fucked up life like you did? Humans are selfish and it’s not surprising that sometimes you do feel that way. It’s as if you look at this person with the perfect life and you wish that he/she would step in your shoes for once, taste what it’s like to have a fucked up life.

It’s good to vent out your frustration. Scream when you feel as if the world has turned on you. Cry when you feel alone. It’s normal. There’s nothing to be ashamed about, it just proves that you have emotions. That you’re not so cold-blooded after all even though you wish you could to protect you from the cold hands of society. When people look at you in a weird way, look back at them with dignity, to be proud of whom you are. Never feel as if you’re being looked down upon because as long as you didn’t do anything wrong, there’s no reason why you can hold your head up high.

Happiness, where is it?
I can’t see it in front of me,
It’s escaping my hands,
Like white mist into the air.

Dignity, where is it?
If it’s in me, I can’t feel it,
My body feels weak,
And my head hangs low.

Love, where is it?
I see it so far away from me,
I can’t reach it,
It eludes me so.

Loneliness, where is it?
It’s so near me,
It feels as if it’s the very air I breathe,
Suffocating me without mercy.

Pain, where is it?
My closest friend,
It is with me all the time,
Reminding me how bitter things are.

Sorrow, where is it?
It fills me like blood,
Coursing through my very veins,
Into my aching heart.

What can one do?
To run away is folly,
Yet to face it is senseless,
So, tell me what I should do.

&^@&^%$#@&$!@&^$#!@

I am soooOoOOoOOoO pissed with the Internet. Forget about me still using dial-up where I am using a 33.6K modem (yes I know… lame), it’s the whole fucking problem of the internet. So many bloody pop-ups and always there’s this pop-up named Green Card. As if that’s not annoying enough, there are more pop-ups now. Something what, Passionate.com thingy. shit!! Has the internet really gone to the dogs? It is so fucking annoying. What with the websites always “can’t be found” or directed to the “perfect.nav” page, the internet really sucks. It is so distressing! Right now, I am sooOooOOo NOT in the mood to post anything else. BLAH!

slightly amused and befuddled

Just because of that one post, it’s like everybody thinks I’m in love. Love in this world comes in many forms and it doesn’t necessarily need to take the form of a bf-gf love. Open your mind; I can still love him as a friend. It is still love, just a different type. Yes, this does sound cruel after all that he’s done for me but who said we must need bf-gf love to live? As long as you have a friend that understands you, that makes you comfortable, that is there for you when you’re down, it’s enough. Well, at least to me that’s enough.

Call me selfish, call me foolish but I really don’t want to commit myself to anything now. I need the freedom that I’m still trying to fight for. I am still trying to find myself, to know where I stand in the world. Love can make you blind and for now, I don’t want to be blinded by anything. This is the age where anything you decide is crucial. It can make you or break you.

I don’t want to be the person to stop him from pursuing what he wants. I don’t want to be the reason why he didn’t do well in life. If both of us are happy at where we’re standing now, there is no reason to change that. Who can guarantee that if we got together we’ll be much better off? Maybe things could be worst. Sometimes, things are better off when we’re friends. I always thought that when you’re friends, you can joke around and act silly but when you’re in a relationship, everything tends to be more serious, more weighed down and I don’t like that kind of atmosphere. So, are things any better that way? If we’re both okay with the current status, what’s wrong in staying that way? Sure, I am selfish to have said that but I am just voicing out my opinion.

Fear is a part of everyone. Even the fearless has got something he fears. Why ruin such a beautiful friendship by committing in a relationship that doesn’t have a clear future? Everybody wants him to stay behind, to really consider his decision to leave. I gave him the green light. If he should decide to go, he has my support and blessing. I would not want him to stay just because I want him to stay. That is a very selfish act. Have you ever thought that maybe he does really want to go to Australia and not that someone is forcing him to go? Have you ever thought that maybe he can achieve a different dream there? Yes, he may have dreamt of being a musician but he once dreamt of being a chef. To decide between two things he loves a lot is hard work. I don’t know, I might be too straight by saying this but maybe it’s a bit selfish to ask him to stay just so that you guys can achieve your dreams. I don’t know; I might be wrong.

Sometimes, in life you got to be realistic. It’s not wrong to dream but in a dog eat dog world, you have to be realistic. I’m not discouraging you guys from pursuing your dreams in music but you got to really think about where you guys are headed next. Do you really see a clear future in front of you? Think about it.

old lyrics

This is a very old lyric that I wrote probably like two years ago. I was flipping through my music book and I chanced upon the song. Then the lyrics just came back to me. it is pretty amazing that you’ll rarely forget lyrics that you compose. Maybe it’s because it does belong to you so it has always been there at the back of your mind.
 
I saw you in my dreams again,
You were the angel of my life and that won’t change,
But you walked away,
When I needed you the most,
Leaving me standing here all alone.
 
I wanted to tell you but I’m scared,
Cause I don’t know how you’ll react to what I’ve said,
But I will try,
To let you know how I feel,
Because I’m hurting deep in side.
 
I will be by your side,
Whenever you will need my help,
Comfort you when things don’t go your way,
You must be angel sent to me from heaven,
I just need to hear you say you love me too.
 
You are the one for me,
I will be with you till the end,
I will never make you sad,
Because I want to protect you with my whole life,
I will cross the deepest sea,
Just to be where you are,
And to hold you in my arms.
 
I will be by your side,
Whenever you will need my help,
Comfort you when things don’t go your way,
You must be angel sent to me from heaven,
I just need to hear you say you love me too.
 
You are the one for me,
I will cross the deepest sea,
Just to be where you are,
And to hold you in my arms.
 
Nothing much happened recently. Just been thinking a lot about him. After all, it’s like I’m losing a best friend should he really decide to go. I don’t know. I’ll just wait for the time to come. It’s like waiting for execution day but if it makes him happy, why not? If he’s happy then I’m happy coz what friend would like seeing their friend suffer rite? So, he has my blessings and my support.
 
Once again, my looks deceive me. I look so tough and rough outside but I cry easily. Heck, I even cry when I watch movies! Thinking about some stuff today and I almost felt the urge to cry but I was in public so I swallowed it down. Sometimes, I wished I wasn’t so sensitive. I have been thinking today about a popular saying. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. What about girls? The way to a girl’s heart is through her heart in my opinion. If she should have an icy heart, you gotta find ways to melt the ice away. But I don’t know, I ain’t a philosopher so u can’t really expect wise words from me.
 
Anyway, I hope we’ll have a good time on Sunday, Lina. Been ages since I last saw you. Hope no news is good news, ichiro. Hope work hasn’t bogged you down, EC. May the force be with you, Walter.

australia..

My friend has a set of tarot cards. She did some “fortune-telling” with it as I wanted her to. So while I was jumbling the cards up, I asked “it” a question that’s been in my heart for years perhaps and finally the result wasn’t very good. The things it said about the past were true but the predictions for the present and future are not good ones. I know it’s foolish to trust things like these but sometimes it just got you thinking as to whether those things are really true.
 
I was in a real sad state thinking about people and how they’re willing to sacrifice so much for love. Was it really worth it? The pain you go through just to see that other person happy but yet not get what you actually want. Would you be happy if you were on the receiving end of this? How would you feel when you couldn’t give that person a definite answer or reciprocate the person’s love for you? To think that so much is done for you yet you’re not able to do the same is just like something is wrenching your heart away from your body. I can assure you that it’s not a nice feeling at all.
 
I rarely have emotional online conversations yet I always do get emotional when I’m talking to him. He just has that effect on me. I could probably say this that I’ve never experienced so much care and love from someone before. I thought guys like him just existed in movies or fiction. It’s too bad that he couldn’t experience a better life, a better childhood. Maybe he would be better off. Maybe he would be better off if he never met me. I don’t know. Everything’s a mess. He’s the only person who could make me laugh and cry at the same time. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.
 
Today, he told me that he will be leaving for Australia for at least 2 years. 2 years isn’t long but still it felt as if part of me would be empty. When we don’t sms each other for few days, it felt as if something was amiss. It was as if text-ing each other was a norm. to think that he will be crossing over the sea, I wonder how we will keep in touch. This friendship is too beautiful to waste because he was the first person to introduce me into the world of JROCK. To a world where there are handsome Japanese vocalist. Hah… I can imagine him shaking his head in disappointment.
 
Even before he departed, I’m already crying. I wonder what will happen when the day actually arrives. Maybe it’s hard to let go since we’ve gone through so much together, both good and bad. We’ve been so much together more than I have gone through with my other friends. It’s probably the comfort we find in each other’s company.
 
While I was writing my fanfiction, I just had the urge to write this “lyric” that suited the situation I’m trying to describe in my fanfiction. Yes, some phrases are pretty familiar as they are part of GLAY’s song but nonetheless I feel as if I must post it here.
 
“I saw you staggering into a place,
A place where you usually don’t venture,
I saw you drowning your sorrows away,
Gone were the days where your smile was sincere.
 
The pain I’ve caused you now resides in me,
Do not think that I have not suffered,
The day when we decided to choose different paths,
It was with a heavy heart that I let you go.
 
You were my everything,
Everything I knew that was pure,
Everything that was joyful,
I saw them in you.
 
It was as if you were sent down by the angels,
Instead of appreciating you,
I brushed you away,
Hurting your feelings more than I ever knew.
 
I don’t want to hurt you anymore,
Tell me the meaning of your happiness,
If there was something I can do,
I’d do it for you.
 
To drown in the open sea,
To burn in purgatory,
Anything to lessen your pain,
I’d do it for you.
 
When I was hurt you were there,
Where would I be without you,
My pillar of strength,
My tower of refuge.
 
What do you do when it’s night,
When all that’s left is loneliness,
Do you sit and cry,
Reminiscing our sweet memories.
 
I don’t want to hurt you anymore,
Tell me the meaning of your happiness,
If there was something I can do,
I’d do it for you.”

It’s 1.18 pm on a Saturday afternoon and I just finished watching Glay One Love in Beijing. Walter was kind enough to bring the cds to me so that I load them on my computer and I must say that their concert is pretty exciting. Teru was very interactive with the crowd, always saying something in mandarin though I can’t make out what exactly he was saying but his favourite mandarin words would be “xie xie ta jia” which is thank you everyone. Glay’s music isn’t that bad either though they could probably improve a little on their English. One of their songs, Acid Head was pronounced a little out of “tune” by him. I heard it as Shit Head. Yeah I know, very vulgar of me but those who know me should know that I’ve got some hearing problems. 
  
 
 
Teru, the vocalist of the band. Very charming and always smiling at the crowd which got them quite excited and what got them more excited was when he was reciting something in mandarin. He has a lot of energy, going from one end to another and he is the best dressed member on stage. Nice taste in clothes and that just further accentuates his already handsome features. Okay, another hottie to add to my ever growing hottie list. 

 

Takuro, the guitarist of the band. To me, he’s sort of the leader of the group. I’m not sure if he really is but he’s the one who’s writing the songs. According to people, he’s a nice guy because it sort of reflects himself in the songs he writes. He’s not exactly handsome or cute or pretty but I guess he’s talented. Takuro reminds me of ChaCha, the guitarist for Gackt. Scary thought? Yeah, I agree. In the concert, he always has some wild hand gestures that I don’t know what he’s trying to show.
 

 
Next up is Hisashi. He is like the epitome of Japanese male prettiness! Mind you, I don’t think Kyo from Dir En Grey is pretty or any of the members of Malice Mizer. Hisashi is really pretty but he was dressed badly in the concert. Very badly dressed. He was wearing some sort of skirt and high heeled boots with what looked like a traditional Japanese top for traditional occasions. He had on his signature hairstyle which was spiky from one end to another and he actually look quite nice if he just let his hair down. He rarely smiles but when he does, he’s pretty. Hisashi is like the cool guy in the band and what with the nice guitars he plays, he’s just great.  
   
  
 
Last but certainly not least is Jiro, the bassist. If Hisashi is the epitome of Japanese male prettiness, then Jiro is like the epitome of Japanese male cute-ness! He is so cute you wish you could just pinch his cheeks! He’s like a small bunny, running here and there with a lot of energy. With his short hair and cute smile, he sends girls’ hearts fluttering like a butterfly. I just can’t emphasise just how cute he is! Even though he’s playing the bass, he was all over the place, jumping around. Next to Takuro, he’s running all over the stage so fast you’d think he was on fire.
 
It was a very enjoyable concert with Teru cheering the crowd on to sing along especially during the Viva song. The concert was filled to the top and it was real fun seeing the crowd clap together, you can see their hands moving in sync. Overall, a very good concert and of course it was good coz I get to ogle at Teru! Here is a Glay picture taken at the Great Wall of China.
 

 
from left: Takuro, Jiro, Teru and Hisashi
 
p/s Thanks Walter for bringing these goodies for me.. especially the L'Arc~en~Ciel songs. I have 4 of their albums now. All thanks for Walter! Cheers to you mate! Take care y'all!

pictures

here are some pictures from the wedding day... 


no prize for guessing which one is Kenneth.. 


isn't that a sight to behold? 


okay, that's me... 


look at my dog, Phoebe. isn't she a darling or what? 


compatible couple? 


i wonder what they're looking at... hmm

wedding

It was my brother’s wedding dinner yesterday. Been pretty busy the past few days before that. And I am supposed to have an essay test tomorrow which I did not even prepare since I was so busy during the weekend. Instead of reading today (I skipped school today, yippee!!), I slept the whole day like a pig. Slept three times!! Got up 11.30am this morning, slept again at 1.30pm and got up at 5.30pm, then slept again at 6.50 to wake up at 8.30. Ahhahahahha!! Can you imagine how many hours I slept?? I don’t know whether it’s fatigue or just plain boredom.

My aunt’s family came from Singapore on Saturday afternoon. I was asleep (yes, I was sleeping AGAIN) when they arrived but I awoke to the commotion downstairs. So I went into the bathroom to splash some water on my face before stepping out of my room. Once I stepped out, I was shocked to find my nephew standing outside my room, admiring my brother’s collection of Spawn figurines. I didn’t expect anyone to be there. He was cheerful and he said “hi.” I said hi too and he asked “party hard yesterday eh?” I laughed and said yes. Gosh, if any he has grown more charming than I ever remembered. He was thinner and oh, by the way he’s Kenneth. I am so hoping he doesn’t stop by here or I’ll never know where to hide my face.

Kenneth’s mom and aunt wanted to go shopping so I was picked as the tour guide. Brought them to klcc and Midvalley by lrt and I can’t help noticing how some girls were looking at Kenneth when we walked past. Wanna know how Kenneth looks like? Think of Wang Lee Hom when he was younger, when he had short hair. He’s almost as tall as Lee Hom coz he’s as tall as my father and my father is 6 feet tall. So yeah, he’s just oozing with handsome-ness! Hahahahha… he’s my nephew… can you believe it? He’s 20 this year. Past years, we didn’t talk much but this time around, we spent quite some time together and we had lotsa laughs. He has a great sense of humour too. Perfect? Too bad he’s already taken girls! And he’s a real sweet guy. His girlfriend is entering University soon so she complained that the lecture hall is cold and so he comes to KL to buy a jacket for her. I mean, how sweet is that?

Okay, now that that’s done, I’ll focus more on the day of the wedding dinner thingy. I’ll try to focus. Well, yesterday morning got up at close to eight to prepare for the welcoming bride ceremony. Got ready at around 10 and wore my newly acquired black pants and topped it off with a green singlet and lip-gloss. Instead of standing among the crowd to welcome the bride, I was FORCED (notice how I emphasised the word, forced?) to play the piano. Like anyone is going to pay attention when I played the piano? Everyone was so noisy and excited but at least my step brother was pretty supportive. He said “I share your pain, Caryn.” I was touched in a way but still pissed nevertheless. Thank god Walter calmed me down. I was almost on the verge of tears, angry tears that is. I’m glad he was there to calm me down. I needed that.

After all the hoo ha, went to the salon to get all made up. Had my hair done which kinda reminds me of the 70’s fashion. Then got my eyebrows shaped (ouch!) and make up done. I don’t know if I look pretty or anything but I swear I look different. Those who have seen me when I was damn plain will know how different I look. Well, I’ll see if I can show you guys my photo. I did not have a picture of myself alone because after all I am not the star of the show. I reached home at almost 5.30 to get ready to go to the restaurant. I was supposed to be receptionist. Sat down to have dinner only when the dishes were out just to find out, my place was taken!! No empty slots for me!! But my cousins were kind enough to quickly scoot over and put a place up for me. Well, I’ve received some pretty flattering comments about me and Kenneth was like “wow!” while grinning at me when he saw me. Hahahahha, he was real cute.

I think that’s all that can be said. The dishes were nice and the songs were relaxing. The atmosphere in general was relaxing as we did not allow any karaoke singing. My sister in law was stunning of course. Hey, she’s the bride and all brides are beautiful on their wedding day! My dad was drunk but he managed to drive home safely and it seemed that he was too overwhelmed by happiness that he cried, saying “my son’s is married.”…. Awww, I’ve never seen or heard him cry before. So, I ended up with another addition to the family!

Take care peepz!

whateva!

Today is like a day of annoyance for me. First when I was reading my newspaper after my breakfast, my brother comes to me and says “I’ve soaked some veggies for Ziggy (his pet iguana), half an hour later feed him ok?” I gave him what my friend called a cock stare. He said again “I’m going out.” And then he just went out. Hello??? Ziggy is his responsibility, he should feed him BEFORE he goes out. What does he expect us to do? It’s his pet, he should feed it. He shouldn’t go out if he hasn’t fed/clean his pet. Jesus! Then later in the afternoon, he came back. I opened the gate and that time the clothes were still out though it wasn’t really sunny. Forgot to bring them in. he had the nerve to say “don’t know how to bring in the clothes ar?” I almost wanted to retort by saying “hell, when we’re all out and you’re at home, you don’t bring in the clothes too. Why? You also don’t know how to bring in the clothes is it?” I was like so annoyed by his actions. Him getting married doesn’t make him the boss of me ok? Geez!

blah

I am so fucking bored! There’s nowhere to go on the NET. Wish I could print some piano scores out… wanna rely on my brother is like wishing that pigs could climb trees.

Today, didn’t go for BS again! Hahahaha, went to bukit bintang area after the econs class which ended at 10. the reason I went to town? To get my brother a wedding gift and finally decided on a photo album which is made out of nature stuff and hand made too. Kinda special and it costs RM29.90 which was kinda pricey considering the album was small and all. *shrugs* then walked around in the same shop and chanced upon a pants that I’ve been dying to get. The guy talked a lot, bla bla bla on how light colour goes well with my skin colour and how my face doesn’t “light up” and how black is gonna drown me in it. Yada yada yada, I still ended up getting the black one. I don’t care!

After that, had the urge to see Walter so I asked him to drop by. Wanna return him the L’Arc~en~Ciel cds. Went to McD to get a drink and just chatted. There was laughter too, especially the thing about the staying the night at his place where our conversation involved the bed, long sausage and springs. Yes, we were talking naughty stuff but hey, I’m 19, not 9! We laughed and the 2 hours just passed by so quickly (parents want me back by 10.30pm). can you believe it that my mum actually stood outside with a cane in her hand? LOLZ, talk about paranoid but it’s all in good faith!

Nothing philosophical today. Too pooped to think about anything! Take care y’all! Hope to see ya soon for a shopping appointment, Walter. Don’t worry about EC too much Ichiro, she can take care of herself. Your eyebags are like the size of Brunei, lina? Gee, that’s not too bad. Take good care of yourself!! EC, be careful ok? Always carry something sharp or pepper spray ya? Remember to lock the car door as soon as you get inside!! Okay then, good day to all!