Am I the winner?

So what has been happening? I sorta had an emotional moment in my car on my way home from uni when I was stuck in the traffic jam. It was unexpected but I guess I’ll never be able to listen to Gavin Degraw in the same way ever again. As I listened to his “More Than Anyone” track and sang along, tears streamed down my face as each word struck me hard as memories flashed back and I was brought back to the time and place where I thought I had long forsaken.

Were the feelings that real and that deep that it is now rooted in my heart and it is not willing to let go? Even though I had thought I buried and suffocated it? It has been so long and I have learned to live without it so why the tears when I listened to the song? The whole album became the very source of all my suppressed emotions and memories. And I’m supposed to delve deeper in the issue as part of my assignment. To go back to the past, to feel the emotions of happiness, intimacy, sadness and then the ultimate emotion of them all, the sense of anger at the very end of it all. Do I have the courage to dive deeper into the pool of turbulent emotions I keep hidden? Dive in and emerge unscathed again? I don’t know. I’m skeptical, I always am.

Amazing how big an impact it was on my life. Maybe that’s the one thing I’m thankful for, the introduction to good music. Other than that, I can’t think of any more merits. Why should I anyway? Everyone thought I would be fine now that time has passed by and time erases if not makes memory a blur but I can’t bring myself to accept such people. How can I when even my mother thinks they’re not worth it? A presence once so big in my life and now gone, I’m amazed I was not much affected. At least I don’t huddle up in a corner, lock myself in the room for days, starve myself for days (or even worst, stuff myself with food and everything sinful) just because things don’t go my way. In this way, I think I’m the winner so I’m thankful for the strength and courage in achieving that.

Quote of the day : If everyone lives hugging the pains of life, someone tell me what am I gonna lose next?