Who Lies Inside by Timothy Ireland

I’d like to write on something “intellectual” for once instead of giving highlights of my day and crap like that. I sing praises for Dr Carmen because she gives us much to think of and she has really nice books which I doubt can be found in Malaysia due to dealing with controversial issues and this is a review on the book she lent to me. Who Lies Inside by Timothy Ireland. This book is distributed by The Gay Men Press and yeah, you should be able to guess by now what issues it’s dealing with.

This book is written in the first person point of view. Martin Conway was his name and to give a physical description, he is over six feet tall with pleasant features, would help you visualize how he would be. He is the captain of the rugby team and with such a big stature; he is one hard person to miss. According to him, “I stick out like a sore thumb.”

This book highlights the struggles he had in high school when all of a sudden; he became aware of his sexual preference. He felt excited when he saw an opponent he played against during a rugby match and he knew it wasn’t something natural. At least, not the way society would have it.

It was as if out of the corner of my eye I could see a stranger standing in the shadows and I was scared to look too closely in case I saw who it was. Worst of all, the stranger seemed to have wriggled under my skin, or had grown inside me all my eighteen years; only now for some reason that stranger was not content to stay in the shadows but wanted to step out into the light and be seen.

This was a good description of the different feeling he felt inside when he found himself attracted to Richard Ward, a fellow classmate. Richard is described as a slim guy, standing at 5’8 with blonde hair and grey eyes, and is a very handsome guy which a lot of girls seem to like. The story goes on to say how he had struggled to keep that stranger in him buried because he knew it was not how men should act. He grew up in a house where his father was an intimidating man that feels men showing their emotions are considered soft and improper.

The friends he mixes are “normal” guys with one in particular that keeps telling his group of friends of his recent sexual conquests. His best friend Steve was very close to him and Steve’s girlfriend, Linda, became the only close girl friend Martin ever had. Steve had given him the nickname, Jumbo, due to his size and his lack of agility which Martin hated but he did not say a word. He is a passive character and finds it hard to express how he feels. When he told Linda that he is in love with Richard, Linda was quick to tell him that maybe it’s just a crush that will come to pass and that Martin should not put much thought into it. Even if it was real, there will be a lot of hardships he will encounter and because of what Linda told him, he forced himself to ignore Richard and went out with Margaret.

Martin have not really had a proper conversation with Richard and the small scenario in Richard’s house scared Martin because of Richard’s openness and the feeling as if Richard knows but there were no words spoken. Martin even had sex with Margaret to prove to the others that he was a heterosexual man and there was nothing wrong with him but after the sex, he felt empty and dead. All he wanted to do was to hold the hands of the one he loves but that is impossible.

All these struggles he had to face, all the prejudicial views of society were written beautifully in the story. After everything that’s happened, he finally confessed to Richard, saying he was scared of what he felt for Richard and Richard said that there’s nothing to be afraid of. A happy ending for both Richard and Martin at a beach where they had to go to some isolated part of the beach to be able to hold hands and kiss.

The last part of the story had a beautiful sentence that Richard said and he could not have said it better.

“Does she know?”

“That I’m homosexual?”

Richard frowned, and then turned away.

“I don’t like that word,” he said. “It’s a term, a label. Don’t you think you’re more than that? Don’t you believe you’re a feeling person?”

“Of course.”

“Then there’s no need for labels, is there? We’re all people, Martin, whoever we fall in love with.”

There was silence.

“But if I’m in love with another man…” I began, awkwardly.

“Then that’s all you are. In love with a man. Love doesn’t stop you from being a person. It helps you be a better human being. No one is totally male, Martin, or totally female. We’re a mixture of both; a part of Mum and a part of Dad. Everyone is. Everyone has feelings towards someone of the same sex, whether it’s as a friend or as a lover. In some people these feelings are stronger, that’s all. A particular person might bring certain feelings out.”

This excerpt describes very well the way society sees people like them. Society makes them feel less human by attaching labels to them, calling them “queer, bent, gay” when all they ever did was to love someone and be open about it. If love between a woman and a man can be out in the open, why is it that love between a man and a man have to be kept in the dark? What makes their love so much more different than that of the love between a woman and a man? Who decides which love is correct and which love is wrong? Who decides that a man must only love a woman and never a man? Love is a feeling and it cannot be justified. If that is the case, then why is society justifying love?

Quote of the day: Love is the irresistable desire to be irresistibly desired. –Robert Frost-