life, screw it!

The results of my examination are out. I failed to reach my own expectations and that got me feeling down. It’s probably not a valid excuse or something but now that I’ve got all distractions cleared, I hope next semester I will do better and attain the GPA that I want. Greg and Lina have both been very supportive. Thanks for having 100% confidence in me. I will keep that in mind whenever I feel I cannot go on.

I have been pretty absorbed with work lately. I feel as if life doesn’t mean much but work. I did some talking with my neighbour which is about 40+ years old. She said I am still young so there is no need to go around looking for boyfriends just because my other friends have them. I agree and I told her that now I don’t even have time for myself (what with juggling both studies and work at the same time), how can I have time for him? She has seen me grow up and she said she knew that I’m the independent type and the outspoken type. She says, maybe girls like me cannot find the right Asian men because they tend to stay away from girls like this. Maybe they are afraid that the girls are smarter and can survive without them and they prefer to go for those gentle and weak types where if you hold them any harder, they’ll crumble. She said, girls like me usually go for Western guys because the Western guys are more open and accepting. I don’t know how far this is true but maybe she’s right.

Life ain’t easy. If working full time is such a torture, try doing both studies and work at the same time. It’s not as if me working part time means I put less effort into work than those who work full time because I believe in giving my best in whatever I do, both work and studies. So those who think students like me who work and study at the same time are more worthless than those who work full time, they are full of shit. That’s what I think.

Motto of the day: Nobody’s a virgin because life screws everyone.

I Can't Get Used To It

I just finished watching Bi’s “It’s A Rainy Day” concert. There was a song from his first album titled ‘Iksuchi Anhaso’ which is translated as “I Can’t Get Used To It”. He sang it and broke into tears. When I heard it, even though I do not understand it I know that it is a sad song and the melody is beautiful, coupled with his deep silky vocals.

The lyrics touched my heart and it all seemed so familiar. It was after I knew what the lyrics meant that I feel the very sadness of the song. It’s the one Korean song I listen to that will make me cry. It’s beautiful. Here is the translation of the song:

I Can't Get Used To It

Today I met you by chance
That person who I had heard about was there with you
I was so surprised because there was a smile on your face
A smile that had never been there when you were with me
I guess I seemed pathetic to you, so lonely and sad
There were tears in my eyes
So you asked me why I was crying, why I was hurting so much
I tried to lie to you
But when I saw you looking at me I couldn't help myself
All the words that were in my heart spilled out

* CHORUS *
Going to bed alone, waking up alone
Eating meals alone, I can't get used to that
Liking something alone, feeling sad alone
I can't get used to that, I can't get used to it

Why can't I forget you?
Even now if I think of you tears fill my eyes
Enough time has passed for me to forget about you
So why can't I forget you even after all this time?
There was a time before we met when I lived alone
I say to myself that I'll try to go back to that time
But then all I see is the empty space that you have left

Ipod Nano

I just found something that is real fucked up. It’s about the device most people are drooling over, Ipod Nano.



The price of a 2GB Ipod Nano at the Apple Malaysia website : RM969

The price of a 4GB Ipod Nano at the Apple Singapore online store : $438

When converted to Malaysian Ringgit based on current conversion rates is about RM980.

Let’s take a moment to absorb the facts above. Ok, how fucked up is that? It seems Ipod is classified as a music equipment (when in fact Apple has classified Ipod as computer related items which are tax free here but customs thought otherwise) and is slapped with a whopping 21% tax. Someone tell me, isn’t it better if we all get the Ipod Nano at Singapore?

clubbin

That Thursday night (or should I say early Friday morning?) was the first time I went clubbing with Fran, Meg and Lam. We went to Zouk to meet up with Ben, Jo Ann and their friends. Both Lam and I saw our partners’ true colours at last. Oh my god, Fran and Meg was dancing, getting their freak on and yeah, turning Lam on too. It was a different experience. I didn’t really dance because I can’t dance for shit so I just drank whiskey and beer. Got a lil high but that was it. I don’t get drunk that easily. There were some unpleasant things that happened but I’m not gonna say anything about it. Screw it.

Right now, my working place is my life. Funny how sometimes friends you know for a few months turn out to be one of your good friends instead of those you knew for quite some time. It’s the chemistry. You might know your friends for a long time but if you don’t click means you don’t click. There’s no forcing it. Whenever I have problems, I like to go to Frankie for advice because even though he’s only 2 years older than I am but he is far more experienced than the people out there. He gives useful advice and they work so I listen to him and I learn from my past experience.

So instead of harbouring negativity over what is past and worthless, it’s time to forget everything and focus what’s in the present and what’s to be in future. After all, no man progresses if they only live in the past. Moreover, with everything that has happened, I’ve never been better. This is the liberation I needed and I have got it. The chapter of the past 19 years comes to a close and with everything in it I bury them and forget. Now, let the new chapter begin.

Motto of the day: no one needs shitty people.

Siapa Yang Termakan Cili, Dia Yang Terasa

Really, sometimes I feel suppressed. It’s like every single thing I write here I gotta think it through, if the things I write here hurt someone or another. I write my entries without names and yet I was accused of writing about someone else. For this matter, it’s time for me to start writing with names in order to avoid more confusion.

Madeleine,
Look, if you really did try to patch things up, maybe sometimes you gotta realize that there are things that are beyond mending, beyond repair. All of us have been put in a compromising position and there is bound to be hurt for all sides. Maybe you guys thought I was still reading your blogs but in fact, I have stopped for a long time. I have not read blogs for some time and if there were peacemaking efforts there, I wouldn’t know it. I don’t know what triggered this fiasco that happened but I have already since stopped writing anything about the two of you. Ever since the first fiasco happened, I have ceased to even bother about anything as what my mum advised me to. It’s just that I’m not in a position to say anything or do anything. That is why I have chosen to ignore everything. From there on, everything I said had nothing to do with you guys. I have other friends who have the same problems; I have experienced this same similar problems with other friends. Friends that both of you do not know. I have no idea why do you feel everything I say on my blog is always about you guys. Not to be cruel but my world doesn’t revolve around you guys only. I have other friends too mind you but I gotta say, this time it is the first time things got so ugly between friends.

Did I stop to think if what I did is driving people away? Maybe I didn’t but can you say definitely that you guys ever thought of that? Have you ever thought how many times when I wanted to desert him I didn’t? It’s because he was my friend and all the depression he went through last time, I tried to help him out of it if not console him. Others deserted him but who was still there despite all the things that happened? Me. I am not trying to portray myself as some noble victim of it all but that’s the truth. He can deny it, you can ignore it but it happened. I used to be so different last time, I have softened up now. I have given in so many times now that I think of it, I am ashamed. You claim to be the only one holding on to a breaking friendship, I said the same thing. Both of us can say the same thing and who will believe us? Friends on your side and friends on mine. What is the exact truth? Who really knows?

The things we say now, how much is the truth, and how much is just false pretense? I wouldn’t know now. Ok, I did pretend I was ok with the relationship you were gonna have with him because I believe that in future I was going to be ok with it. I just needed time for me to adjust my feelings and all but you guys finding for me that time at my workplace made my feelings went upside down. Walter has asked me out before but I told him I’m not ready, some other day. It was because I wasn’t ready to meet him or you or both of you yet. That was why I seem to be busy. Because I didn’t know how to react to this, it came as a shock and my friends were pulling me away. When I did stop to chat with you guys, there was an awkward silence. As if there was an invisible barrier that I could not break. I felt awkward in some sense and I couldn’t leave my friends waiting. I was just not ready. The whole thing happened so fast that I was still reeling from it. I needed time to heal and to adjust but I was not granted that time I needed and things started to go downhill from there onwards. I was bitter because something else happened and coupled with this was just what I needed to blow up.

How much do you know happened between Walter and I after all this happened? If you do know, you’d probably stand by his side because after all he is your boyfriend. Did I give you an ultimatum? Did I ask you to choose between me and him? When you asked for my consent, wasn’t it already considered an ultimatum? When things like that happened, sometimes friendship goes to waste and it does happen. Not only to both of us but also to other people and I have witnessed that. Was it a waste or was it something both of you will feel relieved about? No more shitty depressed inconsiderate me to come between you again. Maybe it’s best for you guys since things are so bad it seems that nothing can repair it. I may not have understood your feelings but you have not understood mine either. Both of us could never understand each other’s feelings for the simple reason that we are not each other. I don’t know why you should feel threatened or doubtful. It’s not as if I have a “relationship/couple” history with Walter and for me to reject so many times must have meant that I will not consider him again. There has to be a reason why I rejected despite his persistent efforts. What does it matter? 5 years isn’t anything to me.

We can go on and on accusing each other for things that we feel were unjust but I am already very tired of this whole cat and mouse game. I have had enough and I’m sure both of you having had enough too. So let’s just stop and go on with our lives. Hope both of you have good days ahead. I’ll just go on with my working life and enjoy time with my friends. And for the record, I have no idea why what I wrote made me cocky. Just because I wanted to forget everything that happened and vowed never to let myself be in such a similar situation again? Is that what made me sound cocky? I don’t know. For now, just live your life and I’ll live mine. I will never interfere in your life again for fear of messing your emotions up and for victimizing you.

The Ghost Beckons

The ghost awakens and beckons me,
Appearing in my dreams,
Intimacy so real it aches,
The smell so real it suffocates.

The love we had in my dreams,
I know it is forbidden,
For I will never allow myself,
To fall in love with you.

You who have shunned me,
You who have underestimated me,
You who have betrayed me,
You who I no longer know.

Your hands touch my face,
You buried your face in my neck,
Taking a deep breath as you inhale,
The smell of me that you love.

You told me earnestly,
You told me with loving eyes,
You told me with gentle tears,
That you will only love me.

I know promises are meant to be broken,
Just like rules they never reign supreme,
I shook my head sadly and looked at you,
I said, “No, this is wrong.”

You shook your head defiantly,
You said loving me is right,
You said leaving me is wrong,
You said I am what makes it all right.

What are sweet words to me?
I am surrounded by them,
Yet how many of them are true?
How many would really love me for me?

Feelings of passion and lust,
They are all around and in abundance,
They are the daggers that pierce,
They are the poison that kills.

I held on to you for one last time,
I feel the warmth of your arms,
I feel the protectiveness you give,
But I chose to turn that all away.

I will not let myself hurt again,
Not after all those times I let in,
Not after all those times I cried,
Not after all those times I suffered.

You who loves me dear,
I choose to forget you,
Do not beckon me anymore,
I will not answer your call.

I had a weird dream yesterday. I wish I would not dream it again. It was so real it’s scary. No, I do not want to be in that position. Not when it has happened to me before. Sometimes I wonder how much concern a friend should show in order for him/her to be considered really caring about the other friend. there are many types of friends. Friends who are always there, talking to you, joking with you and spending time with you. There are also friends who are so distant sometimes you wonder if they’re still alive or not. Then, there are so called friends who have 2 personalities, one that is sweet in front of you and the other backstabs you. Who should go where? Which class should this friend be? The distant one or the other?

Is it possible for friends who used to be so close to you to become mere acquaintance now? Just a mere hello here and there but nothing more. I think that it is possible. We have a lot of acquaintance but very few people who you can truly call friends. After all, there are certain things that friends do and there are some things that friends should never do. When should a friend be considered as crossing over the boundary? Should there be a limit, a line that they should never cross? Once crossed, is the friendship considered over?

It is sad how friends are put in such compromising situation. It is sad how last time we used to be so important to each other now we don’t seem to need each other after finding our significant other. I have so many friends who were so close to me and after finding their so called significant other, they just seem to vanished from the face of earth save for a couple of odd hellos here and there. It’s not that one should never ever find a significant other, it’s just that sometimes I feel wasted. Years of friendship never seem to be able to rival with the love they feel for the opposite sex. It’s just sad. I wonder now, where is Sarah? What is she doing? Is she fine? I wonder now, where is Weinon? What is he doing? Is he fine? I wonder now, where is everyone? What are they doing? Are they fine?

These days I have been feeling melancholy. Is it true that we never need friends anymore as long as we are in a relationship? Is it true that all that matters is the member of the opposite sex we’re having a relationship with? What is friendship compared to that? Where were the members of the opposite sex when we were single and going through troubled times? Where were they when I was there for you when you were crying? Where were they when I was there for you to share your joy and accomplishment? Where were they when I stood by you when others doubted you? Where were they? Were they there to share all those with you? Are they willing to do the same for you now? How sure are you?

It’s probably in my nature to be doubtful. Trust is something that’s very hard for you to get out of me. I learn from experience and experience has taught me never to trust anyone even if they are your family. I feel so wasted now I feel pathetic. It just shows how much effort and time I put in friendship and yet look at what happened. I guess that in whatever relationship, I should never put that much emotions so that I will never feel this wasted anymore unless of course it’s for someone who put equally as much emotion or more in that relationship. Then, it’s worth it.

You and I

You and I have been through so many things,
I have seen so many sides of you,
The good and the bad,
And I stuck with you through it all.

If you want to talk to me,
You don’t have to hesitate,
Because I know how you feel,
This is what you call fate.

You and I don’t need them,
They do not deserve us,
They who have betrayed us,
They who have been lost.

We reach out to them,
Yet we are shunned,
They do not wish to be rescued,
They would rather drown.

We have done our best,
Friends who have left,
Friends who have died,
Friends who are now lost.

They have cut their wrist,
White cloth drenched in red,
Where is the bravery they glorify?
Where is the courage they claim they have?

Sympathy is what we show,
Care is what we show,
Love is what we show,
It was all in vain.

Foolishness runs through their veins,
Like the blood sustaining them,
When stones age and fruits are ripe,
Will they come back to us?

What are we to do then?
Do we shun them like they did to us?
Do we embrace them again like in the past?
Do we risk ourselves of getting hurt again?

Friends of yesteryears,
They float in the air,
Distant memories are left,
That is all there is now.

Have our feelings been worn out?
Have our souls been dragged around?
Have our mind been through suffering?
Have our friendship been in despair?

You and I are strong beings,
We stood through wind and storm,
A true friendship is what it is,
One with trust and understanding.

Lately I've just been feeling disappointed and I dug through the memories in my head. I have found that lately, memories just seems to be fleeting images. Maybe the memories are evanescent and it could mean that those memories no longer mean anything to me. What were once vivid images are now a ghost of themselves. It has lost its meaning. What could have caused this? There could be some reasons. Friendships built and lost. Lack of certain minerals to strengthen my memory. Feeling of anger, hate and betrayal. It could be any one of these reasons yet I do not dwell my thoughts on it anymore. There is no reason why I should kill my brain cells trying to remember things that have lost its meaning.

Maybe what Kar said is right, sometimes it's better to forget and I think by the look of things now, I am starting to forget. I once said, I forgive but never forget. It still stands true to this day but the happy memories seem to be evading me and the bad ones seem to stay. My mum told me I should not invest too much feelings in a relationship and I probably shouldn't. Heck, I don't even feel sad I break up with my boyfriends. I have only cried for one boyfriend and up till now, I don't even know if he should be considered my boyfriend. I mean, we were young and I wonder if he ever considered me as one of his girlfriends. After we broke up, I vowed never to let a guy hurt me that much anymore and all my subsequent relationships ended without a tear from me. Strong or emotionless? I don't know.

Yet I seem to have invested a considerable amount of feelings in a platonic relationship and when that ended, I got hurt real bad. Maybe it's because of the feeling of wasted effort, maybe it's because of the naive perception that friendship is stronger than any other relationship (except relationships related by blood). Lina told me something her mum said and I agree. When people say puppy love, the first image to come to mind is of couples in school uniforms holding hands and such. We always think that what teenagers go through in their relationships are puppy love. However, even if we reached the age of 20 and above, our relationships with a member of the opposite sex does not change its status to true love. Who ever said that puppy love is only meant for hormone raging teenagers? We always think that just because we are no longer teenagers, the love we feel for the member of the opposite sex must be true love, not puppy love. It's a stupid perception, it shows how immature and foolish people can be.

A relationship of 8 years, how do you see it? Is it long enough and strong enough for them to get married? I wouldn't know. Some people get divorced even though they were together for more than 10 years before getting married. Some people grow old with each other even though they knew each other for less than a year before getting married. I guess it's chemistry, love cannot be forced.

What's the use of me being understanding when others are not? What's the use of me accepting people's flaws when they can't seem to accept mine? What's the use of me holding onto a relationship when they don't seem to put in any effort in sustaining it? What's the use of me holding onto the saying "Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you." when they do not do the same? Have I been taken for a ride? Have I been taken for granted all these while? I think I have.

work

I’m tired… I did opening shift right up till closing. 16 hours! Nothing much happened, life has been mundane. Work home work home. I might be getting my stuff earlier than expected although I would like it to be a lil later. A bit pricey but I hope my 3 months pay can cover it. *shrug* Tired.

i'm tired.. so so tired..

Once again, WHY is it that I let people feed me with false guilt? What the hell is wrong with me or should I be asking what the hell is wrong with them? Do I have the word SCAPEGOAT written across my forehead? My heart is so burdened with guilt that I feel as if I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating, let me go! Release me!

I know that shit happens but I don’t understand why it’s always got to be me. Why is it that I feel I am never allowed to show my anger, like I don’t have the right to be angry? Why is it that people feel as if they can be angry at me for my faults but I have to smile at theirs? Why is it that I still smile and act like nothing happened when the fault doesn’t lie in me and they go around pushing my anger limit? Don’t you see that you’re killing me? Don’t you guys see that I am at my wits end? Don’t you guys see that I’m suffering?

Is it that fun to point out my mistakes and glorify yourselves? Is it that fun to blame everything on me as if you never made a mistake? Is it that fun that my mistake is always bigger than yours no matter what? Seriously, I am also human, I have feelings too god damn it. I am supposed to be strong, I am supposed to endure all these but there’s a limit too. A limit before I break down.

I’ve always noticed how people will always point out my mistakes but never remember the times when I’ve always been by their side. I’m so tired of being pushed around. I’m so tired of being the friend that’s always smiling and listening. I’m so tired of being taken for granted. I’m so tired of being the understanding friend. I’m so tired of being the friend that doesn’t feel hurt and pain. I’m so so tired.

James Blunt - Cry , dedicated to you..

"Cry"

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.

You and I have lived through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.