Siapa Yang Termakan Cili, Dia Yang Terasa

Really, sometimes I feel suppressed. It’s like every single thing I write here I gotta think it through, if the things I write here hurt someone or another. I write my entries without names and yet I was accused of writing about someone else. For this matter, it’s time for me to start writing with names in order to avoid more confusion.

Madeleine,
Look, if you really did try to patch things up, maybe sometimes you gotta realize that there are things that are beyond mending, beyond repair. All of us have been put in a compromising position and there is bound to be hurt for all sides. Maybe you guys thought I was still reading your blogs but in fact, I have stopped for a long time. I have not read blogs for some time and if there were peacemaking efforts there, I wouldn’t know it. I don’t know what triggered this fiasco that happened but I have already since stopped writing anything about the two of you. Ever since the first fiasco happened, I have ceased to even bother about anything as what my mum advised me to. It’s just that I’m not in a position to say anything or do anything. That is why I have chosen to ignore everything. From there on, everything I said had nothing to do with you guys. I have other friends who have the same problems; I have experienced this same similar problems with other friends. Friends that both of you do not know. I have no idea why do you feel everything I say on my blog is always about you guys. Not to be cruel but my world doesn’t revolve around you guys only. I have other friends too mind you but I gotta say, this time it is the first time things got so ugly between friends.

Did I stop to think if what I did is driving people away? Maybe I didn’t but can you say definitely that you guys ever thought of that? Have you ever thought how many times when I wanted to desert him I didn’t? It’s because he was my friend and all the depression he went through last time, I tried to help him out of it if not console him. Others deserted him but who was still there despite all the things that happened? Me. I am not trying to portray myself as some noble victim of it all but that’s the truth. He can deny it, you can ignore it but it happened. I used to be so different last time, I have softened up now. I have given in so many times now that I think of it, I am ashamed. You claim to be the only one holding on to a breaking friendship, I said the same thing. Both of us can say the same thing and who will believe us? Friends on your side and friends on mine. What is the exact truth? Who really knows?

The things we say now, how much is the truth, and how much is just false pretense? I wouldn’t know now. Ok, I did pretend I was ok with the relationship you were gonna have with him because I believe that in future I was going to be ok with it. I just needed time for me to adjust my feelings and all but you guys finding for me that time at my workplace made my feelings went upside down. Walter has asked me out before but I told him I’m not ready, some other day. It was because I wasn’t ready to meet him or you or both of you yet. That was why I seem to be busy. Because I didn’t know how to react to this, it came as a shock and my friends were pulling me away. When I did stop to chat with you guys, there was an awkward silence. As if there was an invisible barrier that I could not break. I felt awkward in some sense and I couldn’t leave my friends waiting. I was just not ready. The whole thing happened so fast that I was still reeling from it. I needed time to heal and to adjust but I was not granted that time I needed and things started to go downhill from there onwards. I was bitter because something else happened and coupled with this was just what I needed to blow up.

How much do you know happened between Walter and I after all this happened? If you do know, you’d probably stand by his side because after all he is your boyfriend. Did I give you an ultimatum? Did I ask you to choose between me and him? When you asked for my consent, wasn’t it already considered an ultimatum? When things like that happened, sometimes friendship goes to waste and it does happen. Not only to both of us but also to other people and I have witnessed that. Was it a waste or was it something both of you will feel relieved about? No more shitty depressed inconsiderate me to come between you again. Maybe it’s best for you guys since things are so bad it seems that nothing can repair it. I may not have understood your feelings but you have not understood mine either. Both of us could never understand each other’s feelings for the simple reason that we are not each other. I don’t know why you should feel threatened or doubtful. It’s not as if I have a “relationship/couple” history with Walter and for me to reject so many times must have meant that I will not consider him again. There has to be a reason why I rejected despite his persistent efforts. What does it matter? 5 years isn’t anything to me.

We can go on and on accusing each other for things that we feel were unjust but I am already very tired of this whole cat and mouse game. I have had enough and I’m sure both of you having had enough too. So let’s just stop and go on with our lives. Hope both of you have good days ahead. I’ll just go on with my working life and enjoy time with my friends. And for the record, I have no idea why what I wrote made me cocky. Just because I wanted to forget everything that happened and vowed never to let myself be in such a similar situation again? Is that what made me sound cocky? I don’t know. For now, just live your life and I’ll live mine. I will never interfere in your life again for fear of messing your emotions up and for victimizing you.