It has finally happened..

Why is it that there are so many obstacles in our friendship? Who is it that’s thinking too much? Me or him? “How important am I to you?” he asked me… I can’t give him the answers he wants, I can’t give him the love he wants and I can’t reciprocate his love. I know it’s selfish but I really don’t want him to waste anymore time on me.

How many times have I said sorry? It can’t mend the wound I inflicted on him. Here we are talking about the things that have haunted the both of us. How to teach someone to forget love? How to teach someone to forget me? How to teach someone to take away the pain?

How do I manage to put on a mask everyday when I know he is hurting because of me? He says not to feel guilty, not to say sorry but I can’t because that is the very thing I am feeling. It is eating away at my heart.

Why is having a friendship so painful? Why is maintaining a friendship so hard to do? Why can’t we just be friends? Why is that both of us have to suffer? Why is it that HE has to suffer? Why can’t god just leave him alone and let him have a better life? Why did god made us meet each other and then cause him so much pain? Why does god pick on him?

So it has finally happened. The final break-up. The final decision of leaving each other until we are both better and stronger. How long will it take? How long will we be apart? I wish someone could take away his pain. I wish he would be a better and stronger person. I wish for so many things yet how many of them came true?

I was listening to X Japan’s “Forever Love” when it all happened and I cried. This is the translation of the lyrics of the song.

I can no longer walk alone
The winds of time are too strong
Ah, I should have gotten used
To hurting, but now...

Ah, please hold
My weeping heart
In this time when everything keeps changing
If we have our unchanging love

Will you hold my heart?
Please catch my tears
It seems as if it will break, all my heart

Forever love, forever dream
Only my overflowing memories
Passionately, painfully fill the time
Oh, tell me why

All I see is blue in my heart

Will you stay with me?
Until the wind passes away
Once again they overflow, all my tears

Forever love, forever dream
Please stay by my side
In the dawn, hold my trembling heart
Oh, stay with me

Ah, if only it would all end
In this endless night
Ah, there is nothing
That I would lost, except you

Forever love, forever dream
Please stay by my side
In the dawn, hold my trembling heart

Ah, will you stay with me?
Until the wind passes away
More than anyone, I want you with me

Forever love, forever dream
I can't walk any further than this
Oh, tell me why; oh, tell me true
Tell me the meaning of life

Forever love, forever dream
In the midst of my overflowing tears
Until that shining season becomes eternity
Forever love

inspiration hits..

Yoshiki's ballads are heart wrenching. It gets to me and it is night. It's the time when inspiration hits and I wrote this somewhat depressing poem. The night is quiet...

I sit alone in a room devoid of warmth,
I sit alone in the dark corner thinking,
I held my body close and started shivering,
Who is there to provide me with warmth?

The soft drops of rain hit the window,
I looked up and it seemed as if heaven is crying,
Is heaven crying because I am crying?
Is God even aware of the state I am in?

The melancholic music hits the chords,
The chords of loneliness that was sleeping,
It awakens now and strikes hard,
I clutched my chest as I felt the pain.

I reached out into the darkness,
There was nothing to hold on,
There was no shred of hope,
There was only nothingness.

I looked at the people around me,
I wondered how they can be so happy,
How the joy found their way into their lives,
I wondered where mine went.

I looked outside at the rain,
My eyes devoid of emotions,
I felt loneliness eating at my heart,
Soon I will be nothing but a shell.

Where will my soul be?
Will my soul be with her?
Will my soul be with them?
Will my soul be lost?

I gave up looking for directions,
I was already lost in the first place,
Nobody to turn to in times of need,
I turn to myself instead.

It seems I am living in a desert,
Bare as far as the eye can see,
There is nothing that can save me,
But maybe there is still hope.

YOSHIKI HAYASHI!!!

“Yoshiki Hayashi, you’ve conquered my heart. You are the epitome of greatness, I wanna be in your grace.”

Right now, I’m just smitten over Yoshiki of X Japan fame. I saw him on a recent show on Hey Hey Hey! with Gackt and I am just bowled over by his attractiveness. I mean hello?! The guy is like what… 40 years old? He is still oozing machoness and oh my god, I can just drool over him. With his crystal Kawai piano, he is like the prince charming I’ve never known.

In the program, he was just so polite and smiling so much while I get the feeling as if Gackt thinks he himself is great and handsome just because he’s real popular in Japan. You know, like a show off kinda person but Yoshiki is the total opposite. And sweet Jesus, he’s attractive! *tries to stop drooling*

Right now I’m downloading his DVD live performance with the Symphony Orchestra. He learned the piano at the age of 4 and then proceeded to learn the guitar, drums and bass. He was the leader of X Japan and wrote most if not all of the songs. He has produced Glay and Dir En Grey just to name a few. Currently he is involved with his solo project Violet UK. I have the Eternal Melody II album and it’s mostly classical pieces.

I gotta say sorry to Lee Hom. “Sorry darling but Yoshiki’s conquered my heart for now..”

GO YOSHIKI, YOU SEXY MACHO MAN!!