lazy, just plain lazy

Laziness caught up on me. I feel so lazy to like update my blog and even my fanfic. I know laziness is bad but I just don’t have the mood to do many things nowadays. Set aside the fact that I’m broke and I’ve got an expensive magazine to buy, I am searching high and low for GLAY Expo 2004 in USJ when all of a sudden I found out that Walter has the cd! BWARGH!~ well, saves me the time and effort of searching for that video on the internet so I guess I got to be grateful. The only perk right now is I’ll be setting off to Penang with my whole big family which includes my cousins and uncles/aunties. It’ll be great! Few days later, parents leaving for China and I’ll be all alone with my sis-in-law because my brother would be outstation. This means that I’ll be alone the whole day since I won’t be schooling anymore, it’s the study leave! This also means that A-Levels exam is dangerously near… *freaks out*

Too tired to even think of anything productive. BLAH!~

blardy good day it is!

Things couldn’t have been better today! *insert sarcastic tone here* first, Walter lost all his shoes which means I couldn’t get to watch a movie with him and Kah Wai. Okay, that I’m not so pissed. I mean you can’t prevent these things from happening. So, Walter was all depressed and stuff so I was text-ing him, consoling him when all of a sudden my hp keys went dead on me. What was even worst was that I switched off my phone in hopes of reviving the “dead” keys but now, I can’t even switch on the phone. The phone actually died on me in my hour of need! I’m like, as if giving Walter a hard time is not enough, now God wants my phone dead! Not as if I believe in God or whatever, (I’m a freethinker) but heck, give me a break already!

So, I send my phone for repair just to find out that my phone is obsolete already (great!) and the technician might/might not repair it and since it’s no longer under warranty, it means I have to pay for the repair which god knows how much it will amount to. The lady said that she will call me tomorrow to let me know how much the repair is going to cost and if I decide to repair it. If it is more than RM 50, I will not repair the phone and so I will have to last at least 4 months without a phone. Hopefully by that time I will have a job and save up to buy a phone. 4 months without a phone, I wonder how it would be like… heck, I’ve lived the past 17 years without a phone, I guess 4 months won’t kill me or will it?

*scene of Caryn pulling her hair out and screaming in despair*

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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You have Blue Wings! You are artistic and highly
creative. Others are amazed by your imaginative
ideas, and the way you speak so smoothly. You
are very social, but you like talking
face-to-face, instead of the phone. You love
dancing, Writing, acting, drawing, singing,
anything that requires artistic style. You have
many friends, and are popular because of your
unique style. Though your jokes crack up
everyone around you, you often daydream about
many different things, lost in your own world.
Even though, you are optimistic, and remain
friendly and loved by others in reality, you
always like to visit your fantasy world for
some peace from the hectic world.

What Color are your wings?(Mainly for Girls)Beautiful Pix!
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You're Elemant is Wind. You're light-hearted,
care-free, kind, sensative, and mysterious. You
have friends and most absolutely love you. You
can be calm and soothing one minute and ragging
in anger the next so no one wants to get on
your bad side. You are usually very calm though
so even in desperate situations, you seem to be
the most sane person present. You think things
through and consider the future rather than the
present. Your beauty is inspiring and
magical.

What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
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Those were the days

I dream of happy days,
I dream of summer days,
I dream of days that were fine,
I dream that everything is mine.

I see children playing happily,
Laughter was heard and meant,
I sit and smile to myself,
Those were the days.

I remembered how I was once naïve,
Totally oblivious to the world,
My world was a small one,
With everything nice in it.

Years pass by and I grew up,
More important things came my way,
Would I never see better days?
Would I ever laugh sincerely again?

Expectations were running high,
I am bent under all the pressure,
No one can help me shoulder it,
Because it is my own.

I have been brought up in a way,
That what I have stirred up,
I need to clean it up,
However hard it may seem.

So many problems on my hand,
I try to tackle them as they come,
People ask me, “are you sure you can?”
And I tell them, “of course I can.”

Freedom is what I strive for,
Yet at this very age I have none,
Am I still treated like a child,
When I am already all grown up?

We hope to grow up fast,
But I wish to stay young,
Because those were the days,
When everything works my way.

Composed by,
Caryn

friends

Today was maths again and I sincerely, absolutely hate MATHS! Bloody numbers! Like I’m going to apply all of this in life… *insert look of scorn here*

Been happy these few days though have been pretty frustrated over studies and all. There are caring friends out there who do care if I’ve been studying late at night or if I’m stressing myself out.. (You know who you are). All the little things that a friend does are a blessing. Just knowing that someone out there really cares for you is all you need to get through the day so that you can relate today’s events to them so that they can share your burden. What more can you ask of a friend?

There was a time when I had a so-called “Friend” who got on my bad side. I no longer talk to him because what he did was despicable. He blamed me of things I didn’t do and the bottom line of his whole “accusation” was that I was a slut. He had the nerve to ask me “where are your true friends”. He even said “we are your true friends.” My true friends are friends who stick by me through thick or thin, not friends who accuse me without investigating. When he accused me, I know there and then that this is one friend that is not worth my time. He ticked me off so bad, I told him “we were never friends and never will be.” This was what it took to break off that friendship with him. I did not regret it a bit. If possible, I loathed him even more. That is not a good thing but I don’t sympathise people who backstabs me.

Besides the whole sensitive issue of boyfriend, I am also very sensitive when people ask me who my true friends are. I am very defensive about my friends. I get very angry especially when questioned by a person I hardly know. It’s as if he knows me forever or something. I mean, please…. Get a grip! No one can backstab my good friend and get away with it. If you catch me on a bad day, oh boy you are so going to get it! So, the next time you guys are thinking about backstabbing my good friend, just remember that someone else might be backstabbing you too. You might not care but you’ll suffer my wrath.

On a happier note, I’ve managed to memorise about 95% of Yuriginai Monotachi! Woo hoo, this is an achievement! Take care guys! God bless!

just another post

Today is generally an okay day despite the fact that I totally sucked in the maths exam today. I have decided today that I hate MATHS the most! It’s like hello? Why am I learning such hard stuff? It’s not like when I’m gambling I’m going to whip out a piece of paper and start counting the probability of winning. Hmmm, maybe this explains why I can never answer any of the probability questions correctly! Second of all, there was no bloody time! Yeah I know… blame it all on the system when in fact I had not been revising. Sue me! I am so hoping I can study something I like, for once! I don’t know about you guys but I think that if you’re studying something you’re interested in, things seem to be much easier… at least you know you’ve got the knack for such subjects.

There was an article written about exams in Malaysia and how it is actually a test of your memory skills and not the learning process. I agree. Malaysia has to consider changing its education system. I’m not all about westernisation and all but I feel that Malaysia can learn a thing or two from the western countries where kids are taught to express their opinion and do some real learning instead of reading the bloody text book for 3 years and vomiting out all the facts during the exam which lasts about 2 weeks. Imagine having to force yourself to memorise the facts for 3 years just to get it all on paper in 2 weeks.

Examination grades (I’m talking about primary and secondary school here because college doesn’t apply since you choose what you want to study) cannot be a measure of a kid’s intelligence. The kid can have talents in let’s say in arts. Arts here include music, painting, etc. usually people who are talented in those areas do lack a little in maths and other stuff. I’m no scientist but this is what I’ve noticed so far. So, if the studies in school are to comprise of maths, languages, and sciences and have no room for creative studies, then the grades are not to be a judged quickly. Some people just do not have that ability to cram in facts on sciences, maths, etc. but you’ll be amazed at what they can do in the creative department.

This comes to the part where parents in Malaysia love to compare their children’s results with that of their friends’ children. After the result of a major exam is announced, they will start asking their friend how many As did their son/daughter obtain. I mean, is it really that important? Do they do this because they’re genuinely concerned about their children’s results or merely because of pride?

Well, other than that I’m just happy that my fanfic has received quite positive response. The latest chapter seemed to have people on their feet and make them happy. I’m happy if my fanfic attracts positive response and when it could make the readers happy. Sometimes, reading crappy fanfics are a way of relieving stress and if my fanfic can do it, I’m real happy. If anyone should want to drop by at my fanfic, you’re welcomed to. Hey, it’s my blog so I can advertise all I want so shut up! The link is www.winglin.net/fanfic/tof

Anyway, hope all of you guys are happy and well. Take good care of yourselves! Thanks Kah Wai for calling me and wishing me the best of luck. Thanks Jiro for wishing me best of luck too though the phone went dead after a while. Thanks Lina for supporting my story and hope to see ya soon. Hmmm, who else do I have to thank? Well, you know who you are… you know very well I’ve got a limited memory span.

_YOUR LIFE_[] they call me: Yean Hui (my english name is forbidden for them to utter)
[] sex: still a virgin…
[] my first breath of air: 20th December 1985
[] age: if I do this now, I’m technically still 18.
[] status: single
[] occupation: college student
[] nationality: Malaysian

_REWIND_
[] most memorable memory: I can’t think of anything now…
[] worst?: erm, embarrassing myself?
[] first word uttered: how the hell do I know?!
[] first bestfriend ever: I’ve got some best friends but to name the first would be impossible because I have very bad memory. It’d be Madeleine I think.

_FAST FORWARD_
[] college planning to go: am in one...
[] future resident of: Malaysia I think~
[] wedding: not planning on marrying
[] children: zilch
[] looking forward to: getting my freedom
[] not looking forward to: bloody exams!

_PLAY_
[] feeling: scared
[] Listening: tv downstairs
[] Talking: no one
[] doing: this questionnaire
[] craving: nothing
[] thinking of : answers to this questionnaire
[] hating: now? Not hating anything… except hating the thought of revising for my exams.

_LOVE_
[] love is: love
[] current love: no one
[] love or lust?: both
[] boys or girls?: boys
[] love hurts: everytime.
[] true or false - all you need is love: false. Love doesn’t buy you necessities.
[] have you ever been in love?: I think so.
[] is there such thing as love @ first sight?: can’t say I’ve experienced it before

_THE OPPOSITE SEX_
[] turn ons: smart, tall, charming, caring, good looks would be a plus point

[] turn offs: the opposite of the above
[] does your parents' opinion on your bf/gf matterto you?: well, they think I haven’t been in a relationship before so I don’t think I can answer this question.
[] what kinda hair style?: if want it long, please style it nicely if not please keep it short and spiky.
[] the sweetest thing a member of the opposite can do: love me
[] where do you go to meet new people? I don’t purposely go and meet new people
[] are you the type of person to holler n ask fornumbers?: nope.

_PICKY PICKY_
[] dog or cat: dog
[] short or long hair: short, I don’t look good in long hair.
[] innie or outie: innie.
[] sunshine or rain: days which are cooling
[] moon or sun: moon coz I’ll be able to look at it without going blind
[] basketball or football: basketball anytime!
[] righty or lefty: righty
[] hugs or kisses: both!
[] 1 best friend or 10 acquaintances: it’s good to have more friends around
[] bf/gf or best friend: both
[] tv or radio: tv
[] starbucks or jamba juice: starbucks
[] mc donalds or burger king: mcdonalds
[] summer or winter: can I pick autumn?
[] written letters or e-mails: both
[] playstation or nintendo: haven’t played any one of them before so I don’t know.
[] disney or nickelodeon: disney
[] car or motorcycle: car
[] house party or club: house party maybe?
[] sing or dance: sing
[] freak or slow dance: what the - ?
[] yahoo messenger or aim: msn
[] google or ask jeeves?: Google

_MISCELLANEOUS_
[] can you swim?: yes
[] what are you scared of?: cockroach! EEEwwwW! In fact, anything that is in the insect category and has the ability to reach any part of my body. Er, flies and mosquitoes would be excluded though..
[] what is your greatest accomplishment?: don’t know.
[] what kinda roof is over your head?: er… tiled roof?
[] do you like tomatoes?: they’re okay when they’re cooked but not raw.
[] how many TV's in the house?: 3
[] how many phones?: 1
[] how many DVDs do you have?: DVD player or DVDs? DVD player 1, DVDs a lot.
[] last dentist visit : I can’t remember…2 years ago maybe?
[] last doctor visit: in the month of May I think for vomiting spells.
[] last phone call: can’t remember.

blardy day!

I really had a bad day today. First, there was some problem with the A-Level statement of entry thing. I thought it wasn’t my fault but when I related to my mum, she thought it was my fault. I don’t care anymore who was at fault but I really wanted to give a good scolding to the lady who was in charge of this. I would like the whole TAR College to know that it’s a FUCKED up college. I would like them to know you cannot go around blaming others for their own mistake. I want them to know so many things yet there’s nothing I can do. Tomorrow I will see the head of division and ask him for a satisfied explanation of the whole messed up thing I’m required to clean after. TAR College sucks!! If you have the money, don’t go to TARC. Go somewhere else like Singapore maybe. I can’t believe I’m helping Singapore promote their education!

After this whole messed up thing, my phone is acting up on me again. I was thinking like, “what else do you want from me god?” as if this whole thing is not stressing enough for me, you had to make my bloody phone act up on me. But then again, it’s not as if I believe in god or anything because I’m a free-thinker. It doesn’t mean I condemn religion because I respect people who are religious, I just don’t believe in religion that’s all. I still have moral values mind you!

Sometimes I think people do contradict their action and/or words. Take my mum for example. When I wanted to buy my cell phone, I had originally opted for a more expensive model but apparently it was too expensive for my mum’s taste and she asked me to buy a cheaper model which I relented. So now that my phone is acting up, I complained to my mum to which she said, “Then, why did you buy this phone?” I was like “huh?!” hello? It was because of you I bought this phone since you thought the other phone was too expensive. I mean I was like “what the –”

Whatever.

disturbing...

The contents of the following post might not follow exactly what has been said between my friend and I. It has been altered to suit the chronology of the sentences i wrote. If I have offended anyone in any way, accept my apologies but if you're going to flame me for it, see if I care. So, here it is :

I had a somewhat disturbing conversation with my friend. Well, technically it’s not a conversation. Rather it was an exchange of text messaging. I can’t give you a blow by blow explanation as I have a rather limited span of memory.

It all started when he touched the subject of boyfriends. Yes, boyfriends. As if I haven’t had enough of people asking me about that.

I told him, “I’ve told people lotsa times that if I don’t have a boyfriend, I won’t die.”

He replied by saying, “then your life won’t be perfect.”

“Nothing in life is perfect or fair. All I need are family and friends. Having a boyfriend brings problems so why bring all these unnecessary troubles to yourself?”

“But it would be better to have that special someone that understands you.” He replied.

“Sometimes, friends understand you better than your other half.” I replied.

“Then your life would be full of suffering.”

“You may think having a girlfriend is a necessity but I don’t think so. Everyone has their own views and opinions.” I was already thinking about a million things to retort him.

“Try to relax and you’ll find your happiness.”

“I like to think myself as an independent woman. I don’t need a special someone to make me happy. I am happy where I stand now. Why should I change anything?” I was like, hello? Can you not understand what I’m trying to say here?

“You don’t need to force yourself or pretend to think that way.” To which I didn’t bother replying him. Okay, this is the part where I will launch into a long ‘explanation’ of what I think about the stuff above.

Those who know me will know that after numerous relationships with guys, I have decided to settle on a single life. It’s a life that I really enjoyed because I don’t like being tied down to a certain someone because you’ll never know if a small action can cause that someone to be jealous and angry. Being single gives you freedom, well at least to me it does.

I somehow have that feeling that being in a relationship is like being in a cage. You cannot fly anywhere except within the boundaries of the cage. Just like in a relationship, you can’t wander off anywhere except within the grasp of your other half. You long to be fly out of that cage, to experience what the outside world can offer you. In a relationship you tend to wonder “what am I missing out?”

Of course, those already in a relationship will beg to differ. They enjoy being in a relationship and I understand that. What I can’t understand is why people must expect me to find a boyfriend. Is that a necessity? Like I’ve said before, without a boyfriend I will not die. A necessity is something that you can’t live without, like water. Water is a necessity because without it, you’ll dehydrate and die a gruesome death. You cannot liken a special someone to that. If that is so, then all the single people are probably all dead, leaving only those attached.

Why is it that people do not believe me when I say I am happy where I am now? Why is it that they must think that I’m putting on an act, that I’m forcing myself to think that way so that I don’t wallow in self pity? I sometimes wonder if girlfriend/boyfriend is the only thing in the minds of those people. There are other bigger things to focus. Maybe it’s because I have not found someone that I say these things but right now, this is what I feel. I can’t force myself to commit in a relationship if I know things would be better off if I hadn’t.

Maybe I just crave freedom so much that I couldn’t care less about relationships. Or maybe my heart changes so fast that I can’t stay loyal or stay long enough in a relationship. I don’t know. That friend of mine asked me to ask myself what my feelings were and I had a mixed answer. A contradicting one. I do not want to be in a relationship yet I would like to have the love and concern from people. Yes, this is what you call greed.

Relationships bring troubles in my opinion. You do not have to agree to that. If you can’t solve the problems already surfaced in your life, why bring more to your already burdened soul? It brings more questions to which I find hard to answer. “Will people like him/her?” “Will he/she be like a leech and not let me have my own space?” “Will my parents approve of him/her?” “Will I be able to get along with his/her friends and will he/she be able to do the same?”

In my previous post, I said that being in a relationship doesn’t only affect the lovers but also other people. Of course there is that attitude of “who cares what other people think? I’m happy and that’s all that matters.” It is true because I practise that all the time but once in a while I do stop and think if what I do really affect people in a bad way? What would they think of me? Would they even think I’m a lesbian now that I said I do not need a boyfriend to make me happy? I would like to explain that I’m NOT a lesbian because I am VERY attracted to erm, attractive guys like say, Orlando Bloom, Brad Pitt, Benjamin Bratt, Chad Michael Murray, etc. you know, those really cute guys so I am soooOOooo NOT lesbian.

Okay, with that cleared up I would just like all you people who care to know that I really do not want a boyfriend now. I’ve got bigger and more important things to handle than to focus my energy into such petty stuff. I have got to be strong to meet this harsh reality I’m in and by being in a relationship, you tend to be more dependent and weaker. So, would you guys stop asking me that bloody question of “Why don’t you find a boyfriend?”?!

why?

Why do we always make hasty decisions? Why do we decide hastily when we know hasty decisions always go bad? When is it considered too fast and when is it considered as just right? I’ve made some hasty decisions myself and one was on a relationship. Did I regret it? I don’t know, I’m numb when it comes to relationships.

He was my senior of 3 years. We finally met online after a brief encounter in school. We got talking and all of a sudden he just said he likes me and I was wondering if he really knows who I am in school. He said he does and asked me if I wanted to be his gf. I thought for a while and said why not? That was just hasty and the relationship ended in about less than a month. Was I devastated? Was I heartbroken? I can answer confidently that I was not devastated and not heartbroken. Why?

It’s probably because we didn’t spend much time getting to know each other. We sort of like jumped on the bandwagon without really understanding each other and it was just like that we were considered “bf-gf”. Heck, we didn’t even meet each other in that period of time so what kind of “bf-gf” relationship am I having right? So I guess when the relationship ended, I didn’t feel anything. Call me cold, call me emotionless but I really didn’t feel anything. It was as if there was no commitment involved, no love. It was a name, a status we peg to ourselves.

If relationships were to be like that, just a status, then we would never feel the real wonders of love. Love can change a person, for the better or for the worst. It could be a good change for the lovers but for the outsiders it could be bad. Love between two sexes is usually confined to their own spaces, own time and own world. Other people would probably think it’s an eyesore but living in a world where it is quite liberal, there is nothing wrong in a couple professing their love for one another.

I got to say that I have no respect for girls who are spoilt brats. Girls who whine when things don’t go their way, girls who don’t respect their boyfriends better stay away from me because they won’t have one ounce of respect from me. I can’t stand girlfriends who don’t give their boyfriends space to breathe. If a person ever said, “I can’t live without you.” I think of how they cope with their lives before their other half appeared. They still lived.

I may be a feminist, I don’t know but I really think without a boyfriend doesn’t make me less alive or less human. I am still who I am with or without the special half. If I were to ever find a special person, I would have him be able to mix around with my friends and respect me as I would respect him. What’s the use of only one person respecting the other in a relationship? This is cliché but relationship works both ways. I also think that there is no use being in a relationship when you don’t feel comfortable in it. Why do you have to torture yourself and be in a relationship that only brings pain and sorrow to you and your partner?

It’s also true that couples should always sit and solve the problems they face instead of running away by breaking up but what happens when the problem cannot be solved? What will happen then? Will they maybe just ignore the problem and try to continue their relationship? Will they break up and hope that by doing that the problem will disappear? Sometimes these things don’t just disappear because a couple is no longer together. Some things remain the same and when it refuses to go away, would the couple ever regret their decision to break up?

There is always a point in life when you think you have regretted doing something. Yet, we can always avoid doing something that will make us regret later just by thinking carefully and sorting out our priorities. If that is the case, why is that we do not sit and think and save all the trouble? Is it because there is a risk involved and it makes it more exciting to just go ahead with it and just see if it works in future? Does that make us adventurous or does that make us plain stupid?

Being in a relationship affects not only the lovers but the people around them. It is always nice to see your friends pair up and be couples. It’s always easier when this happens in a group of friends because you know each other and you’re comfortable in their presence. Some may smile and rejoice with the lovers over their newfound status. Some may think otherwise but I wonder what really goes on in the minds of the lovers. Do they care what people think of their relationship? Will people hate them for their actions? I don’t know the answer to that. Do you?