countdown ends.

Countdown is over. Question is, to do or not to do? Then again, I just might. I might as well get it all over with. Then, another problem arises but I guess that can be solved.

I declare myself a Soulseek fan now. Thanks to it, I got so many songs. Full albums of Marilyn Manson, woo hoo! All of a sudden, I’m turning a little hardcore. I wonder why. Dramas are also downloading smoothly and right now, I’m as contented as can be. I am also currently downloading some songs for Lina’s bro. The whole list of songs was done in a day. That’s the power of high upload speed from Soulseek users.

Let’s see… oh, I went with Mohin today to get a Christmas tree for Starbucks and for that small tree standing at about 5 feet, we paid RM30 which was pretty cheap for a tree. Can’t wait for it to be all decorated and lighted up. We’re also gonna wear those red Santa hats thingy for Christmas too.

It has been raining for the past few days and right now, I’m feeling real cold. Physically cold and mentally numb from lack of sleep. Feeling bored and I’m sure I have that blur look stamped on my face. It was EOM today so there was a lot of stock counting and such. Tomorrow is the first day of the last month of the year. Like Greg, I can’t wait for this year to be over. This year was a bad year and I hope next year would be much better with the absence of negativity.

Right now, my heart goes out to Ichiro who has suffered a great loss. It is sad to see how he is still battling his feelings and memories of her while she has moved on so fast as if nothing really mattered to her. Do I feel hostility towards her? I don’t know, I guess I feel neutral. Why? After one year plus, relationships end. Why? How? If you’re reading this Ichiro, I hope you pull yourself together and try to forget. Hard as it may seem but I know it’s possible. I’m around, sms me if you can’t reach me on msn. It’s never nice to go through this alone. *HUGZ*

Ok… another 20 more days to spend my last days as a nineteen year old. Damn.

Motto of the day : Enjoy your teenage life and screw negativity!

thoughts..

This month doesn’t seem to be a good month for anyone. I keep hearing stories of my friends breaking up, friends having problems with their loved ones and I wonder if it’s the rain that’s making everyone feel down and moody. Funny how most of them happened after being one year plus in the relationship, saying feelings are fading or the feelings are no longer there. It’s actually scary how after one year plus, feelings tend to just fade away and the next thing you know, the feeling is no longer there and the reason why you’re still holding onto that relationship is because of obligation and perhaps guilt.

I am worried for Bervie who had a bad thing happened to him and Celia. He’s sinking into depression, buying up all our cashewnut chocolate chip cookies, blueberry cheesecake from secret recipe and just sitting there alone, eating the cake. He said the cake was tasteless. It was his first love and I know first love is usually the hardest to get over because you’ve never experienced anything like this before. It’s just that he used to be so happy and now, seeing him floating in and out of space I feel sympathetic. There is nothing I can do and she seems determined to forget this relationship.

The hormones in our body made us feel the emotions we feel when we’re in love. The exhilaration, the seemingly numb senses and after one or two years, the hormones “die” and then all those emotions die with it and to think that it actually applies to my friends out there is plain scary. Does it really happen? When the hormones die, the feelings fade into oblivion? Then I wonder what about those people who have been together for more than 30 years? Do the feelings die or has it become like a responsibility? A feeling of contentment?

Well, for me not only has this month been a bad month for me, the entire year was a bad year for me. So many things happened to me, so much anger and bitterness I felt. The betrayal, the tears, it all happened this year and trust were gone. I became distant, in fact I feel distant from everything. My friends, my family and I wonder if I’m beginning to distant from myself. It doesn’t help that I cut my finger again with the La Marzoco and a piece of skin is hanging from the wound. The blood was dripping over the counter and there was that funny sensation you get when you can feel your skin separating from each other.

Have my feelings gone numb like how I don’t feel that much when I cut my finger again? Are feelings really that fragile? Is there no way to prevent oneself from getting hurt? Do the years spent together not mean anything once the feelings are gone? Do the years spent together not mean anything when something new appears? Does it mean that the years spent together do not guarantee anything? Have I really become that cold that I do not need a guy to make me feel whole? Is it weird when I tell people without a boyfriend I will not die? Is it weird when people find out that I can actually survive without having a boyfriend to depend on?

Is it the mindset of Asian men that they must protect their Asian women as if they fragile? Is it the mindset of Asian men to not be able to accept a girlfriend that can stand on their own two feet without depending on them? Is it the mindset of Asian men that they feel useless and have low self esteem if their girlfriend does not depend on them to buy stuff? Is it the mindset of Asian men to feel small if their girlfriend has a good career? Does it all have to do with the mindset of Asian men? Is it because of their mindset that they tend to cling onto their girlfriends, afraid that their girlfriend will leave them someday? Is it really mean and cruel for a girl if she is determined to break off a relationship and not cry over it? Does it mean that she’s heartless and emotionless? Is it like a norm for a girl to bawl her eyes out, starve herself (or pig out) and sink into depression when a relationship ends while the guy appears unscathed?

What happens then when a relationship turns out this way? Do they still become friends? Do they become enemies? Should they feel bitter, angry, and sad? Should they feel as if the world will end and nothing will seem right again? Will they feel as if food lost its taste and the world seems colourless? Will that be considered as something extreme and ridiculous? Who would know except those who’ve experienced the same thing or the one experiencing it now? Who would actually understand? Different thinking, different perspective, therefore no one will understand each other. To me, life still goes on even though a relationship comes to an end. If the feelings are no longer there, it is unfair to keep the relationship going on because you feel responsible or guilty. Wouldn’t that be unfair to the other partner? As painful as it is, life still goes one and the world does not revolve around that single person only. Of course, first love is hard to forget but that will teach you something that will improve your future relationships. Some people say the old things are always the best ones. Some people tell me that their first love or their first girlfriend was the best and after they break up with the current one, they will go and find the old ones again. How true is it? Then again, I do not know.

Motto of the day: The world does not revolve around one person or only a few people.

Selfish..

“Friends are people who would sacrifice anything for you. Hey friends, can you sacrifice your life to make me happy?”

This was one quote I found on my friends MSN nick. I find that a selfish action, one that I feel so disgusted to actually be acquainted with him. What gives him the right to think that we are supposed to sacrifice our life to make him happy? What makes him think that we should sacrifice our own happiness so that he can be happy? Are we not entitled to our own happiness? Who would be so stupid to live in misery and suffering just so he can be happy? Should he not fight for his own happiness instead of us giving it to him? Should he not be sacrificing his own life or something so that he can be happy? What a stupid quote to say.

There is a limit on how much a friend can do. Once we’re past that limit, the rest is all up to you to decide and do. Imagine if you wanted something or someone so badly, you didn’t do anything much while your friends did so many things, sacrificing their time and energy so that you could finally have it. I think that then, your friends deserve that something or someone so much more than you who have just sat there and done nothing. These days, the more I see him online with those stupid quotes or just the mere sight of him online gets me irritated and annoyed. I am glad I am rid of him early before things got out of hand.

On another note, there is nothing much happening with me except I have been on a drama watching spree. I have been chasing three dramas, Hana Yori Dango (Japanese version), Nobuta wo Produce (Japanese drama) and My Name Is Kim Sam Soon (Korean drama). Not forgetting my animes, Bleach and Blood+. After work, I’ll come back looking forward to watching my dramas until early morning before going to bed. There were 2 days when I seem to be working back to back with only 6 hours of sleep and the rest of the 18 hours spent at work. I felt tired and irritated easily.

I have not seen Lina online for quite some time already. I know that she is STILL PMS-ing, the poor girl. That’s the worst that could ever happen. Worrying over something that you don’t know when will appear and hit you in the face. There are things to talk about with you so online one of these days ok? Feeling a little detached from work as well but I’m saving real hard and trying real hard to not spend so much so that I can reach my ultimate goal. One more month, I’ll get it. I hope I won’t regret it.

depression and song

It was a fair morning yet I went to work feeling a little depressed. Lack of customers in the morning made me sit still and thoughts started finding their way to my mind. A tear found its way to my eyes and I quickly wiped them away when Andrew came and stood next to me. Thanks to him I forgot about everything else because he started making lame jokes.

Night approached and I sit in front of the computer chatting with Lina. It all came back again. This time, I didn’t bother to stop the tears from falling. With the tears falling and drying off, will the memories do the same? Fall and disappear? Will they choose to stay etched deeply in my mind and heart? Are the memories that great? Maybe. Is it because there are no new memories to take up the space of the old ones, that’s why it wouldn’t go away?

The memories together were precious, the time spent was timeless, the wounds inflicted too deep. Has my mellowed down personality had to do with me feeling this way? Have the walls I built to protect myself finally crumbled down? Here I am feeling weak and vulnerable and all I could think about is Andrew’s strong embrace. One that I can feel protected and secured in. One that can make me pour everything out and feel better again. I need to curl up in a ball and let everything out.

eric lim

This is the translation I did for Eric Lim's "Yuan Lai Wo Zui Ai De Ren Shi Ni Bu Shi Ta". I'm a sucker for ballads and coupled with the piano's intro, that's it! This song is nice, kinda reminds me of David Tao. this is not really the literal translation of the song because you guys know that I'm a "banana". I don't really understand chinese but i tried using my understanding and put it in English. I also went with the feel of the lyrics and the song so it may vary from the actual meaning of the song. I do hope my translation of the song did the song some justice. Sorry Eric if i ruined the song! Keep up the good work!

"The One I Love Most Is You And Not Her"
When you left that time,
You left without a reason,
My heart hurts a little.

If I can turn back time,
I want to hold your hand,
And not let you go.

Suddenly I saw our pictures,
Leave everything behind,
Return to my side.

The one I love most is you and not her,
My heart’s regrets and worries,
I hope to let you understand,
The one I love most is you and not her,
The memories I have of you,
I can’t see them anymore,
How do you explain love?

Suddenly I saw our pictures,
Leave everything behind,
Return to my side.

The one I love most is you and not her,
My heart’s regrets and worries,
I hope to let you understand,
The one I love most is you and not her,
The memories I have of you,
I can’t see them anymore,
How do you explain love?

I always thought time can make everything go away,
Never thought of going back to the past,
If our love has not reached its peak,
I just want to be near you,
I never want to let you go.

The one I love most is you and not her,
My heart’s regrets and worries,
I hope to let you understand,
The one I love most is you and not her,
The memories I have of you,
I can’t see them anymore,
How do you explain love?

vids and such..

classic! ^_^

porno wars


View more video clips at Yashi

Sudoku & piercing

Nothing much happened these days. With the exception of my dad, the whole household is so into Sudoku right now so much so they actually downloaded Sudoku online and installed it into my pc. I did a few and it’s brain-wrecking for me. Maybe I am tired physically and mentally due to working long hours for 3 days straight during a busy holiday season.

Well, Francesca got her tongue pierced and it does look like it hurts even though she says it doesn’t really hurt. I mean, because of this she has to abstain from solid food so for now, she is on a liquid diet. That means, only soup and water, not even porridge because the bits and pieces might get stuck somewhere and her tongue is swelling. It’s an uncomfortable thing that’s for sure. So, I have decided to follow her diet although not exactly because I still eat solid food. I skip breakfast and take only a cookie and milk for lunch. I have cut down on carbs as well and hope to adopt this diet for as long as possible. Hopefully there will be results. Now she talks funny, as if she has a short tongue. In fact, she told me as if her tongue is shorter now that she pierced it. I told her, maybe it’s because she doesn’t dare to extend the tip of her tongue due to fear of it hurting. Whatever it is, piercing the tongue and the first few days or weeks is nasty shit.

Wow, my brain is so numb I don’t even know what to write. I spaced out for some minutes. Well then, will stop for now. My brain is shutting down.