thoughts..

This month doesn’t seem to be a good month for anyone. I keep hearing stories of my friends breaking up, friends having problems with their loved ones and I wonder if it’s the rain that’s making everyone feel down and moody. Funny how most of them happened after being one year plus in the relationship, saying feelings are fading or the feelings are no longer there. It’s actually scary how after one year plus, feelings tend to just fade away and the next thing you know, the feeling is no longer there and the reason why you’re still holding onto that relationship is because of obligation and perhaps guilt.

I am worried for Bervie who had a bad thing happened to him and Celia. He’s sinking into depression, buying up all our cashewnut chocolate chip cookies, blueberry cheesecake from secret recipe and just sitting there alone, eating the cake. He said the cake was tasteless. It was his first love and I know first love is usually the hardest to get over because you’ve never experienced anything like this before. It’s just that he used to be so happy and now, seeing him floating in and out of space I feel sympathetic. There is nothing I can do and she seems determined to forget this relationship.

The hormones in our body made us feel the emotions we feel when we’re in love. The exhilaration, the seemingly numb senses and after one or two years, the hormones “die” and then all those emotions die with it and to think that it actually applies to my friends out there is plain scary. Does it really happen? When the hormones die, the feelings fade into oblivion? Then I wonder what about those people who have been together for more than 30 years? Do the feelings die or has it become like a responsibility? A feeling of contentment?

Well, for me not only has this month been a bad month for me, the entire year was a bad year for me. So many things happened to me, so much anger and bitterness I felt. The betrayal, the tears, it all happened this year and trust were gone. I became distant, in fact I feel distant from everything. My friends, my family and I wonder if I’m beginning to distant from myself. It doesn’t help that I cut my finger again with the La Marzoco and a piece of skin is hanging from the wound. The blood was dripping over the counter and there was that funny sensation you get when you can feel your skin separating from each other.

Have my feelings gone numb like how I don’t feel that much when I cut my finger again? Are feelings really that fragile? Is there no way to prevent oneself from getting hurt? Do the years spent together not mean anything once the feelings are gone? Do the years spent together not mean anything when something new appears? Does it mean that the years spent together do not guarantee anything? Have I really become that cold that I do not need a guy to make me feel whole? Is it weird when I tell people without a boyfriend I will not die? Is it weird when people find out that I can actually survive without having a boyfriend to depend on?

Is it the mindset of Asian men that they must protect their Asian women as if they fragile? Is it the mindset of Asian men to not be able to accept a girlfriend that can stand on their own two feet without depending on them? Is it the mindset of Asian men that they feel useless and have low self esteem if their girlfriend does not depend on them to buy stuff? Is it the mindset of Asian men to feel small if their girlfriend has a good career? Does it all have to do with the mindset of Asian men? Is it because of their mindset that they tend to cling onto their girlfriends, afraid that their girlfriend will leave them someday? Is it really mean and cruel for a girl if she is determined to break off a relationship and not cry over it? Does it mean that she’s heartless and emotionless? Is it like a norm for a girl to bawl her eyes out, starve herself (or pig out) and sink into depression when a relationship ends while the guy appears unscathed?

What happens then when a relationship turns out this way? Do they still become friends? Do they become enemies? Should they feel bitter, angry, and sad? Should they feel as if the world will end and nothing will seem right again? Will they feel as if food lost its taste and the world seems colourless? Will that be considered as something extreme and ridiculous? Who would know except those who’ve experienced the same thing or the one experiencing it now? Who would actually understand? Different thinking, different perspective, therefore no one will understand each other. To me, life still goes on even though a relationship comes to an end. If the feelings are no longer there, it is unfair to keep the relationship going on because you feel responsible or guilty. Wouldn’t that be unfair to the other partner? As painful as it is, life still goes one and the world does not revolve around that single person only. Of course, first love is hard to forget but that will teach you something that will improve your future relationships. Some people say the old things are always the best ones. Some people tell me that their first love or their first girlfriend was the best and after they break up with the current one, they will go and find the old ones again. How true is it? Then again, I do not know.

Motto of the day: The world does not revolve around one person or only a few people.