void

So this is what it feels like after it has happened. Something empty in me. I know what I’ve done to him; I’ve caused him so much pain so much misery and I feel so guilty that I could feel guilt eating at my heart. Soon, maybe I won’t have a heart anymore… just an empty shell with no soul, everyday putting on a mask. So this is what it feels like.

It’s not that I don’t need him; it’s just that I can’t give him what he wants. Rather than dragging it on and on why not end it so that we can eventually heal? How long it will take to heal I really don’t know. I really wish we could go back to those times when he just started working, when he didn’t like me the way he liked me now. Those times we could be best of friends, laughing and talking like we used to. Now, it seems as if he wants me to forget him but I can’t. I can’t do it.

I think of the things he got me, the perfume, the pendant I now wear around my neck, the sushi he did for me when I was at work and I can’t help thinking how selfless he can be. How can I forget all those as if it never happened? How can I forget him when everything about him is still near me?

What will become of us? Will he avoid me? Will there be a distance between us? Will we ever laugh again? Will he be concerned about me again? I don’t know the answers to the questions for all I can do now is cry.

...

"Love is one pleasure and a thousand sufferings"

well, i have decided to end both our sufferings. it might not be what he wants or agreed but i've decided to end it. why put us in a difficult situation that never seems to be solved or out in the open?

i gotta say i'm sorry for the previous post which has caused grievous hurt to him. in a state of confusion, i vented out my anger not knowing the "real" meaning behind his actions. then, i received his letter and after reading it, all of a sudden i felt real selfish. "so this is how he felt when being with me.." was what i thought. it's been 7 years yet no affirmative answer from me. it's a burden and a suffering he carried around for 7 years. sure there were lapses where he liked other girls but still, it's been 7 years. he would've been tired to the bone.

he took it out and gave it to me so that it won't remind him of me anymore. now it's hanging around my neck and every sound it makes reminds me of him. if this is one of the burdens i can help him carry, so be it. if it makes him less miserable, then i'd rather take it all. he's been through so much, the least i can do is lessen his burden which i hope i am not making it worst.

to everyone who has supported both of us, no matter which side you're on i hope that you can spare us both the questions of how and why and when but just be silent and comfort us both in times of need. thank you from the depths of my heart to you, Walter. thank you for all you've done, all you've sacrificed.

FUCK OFF!

Right… as if I haven’t got enough of stress already these few days, he had to give me problems. Giving me back the pendant, what the hell does it mean? Hm? That he doesn’t need me anymore? That he wants to be free of everything?

I went out for a movie with my cousin and him. Just because I spent a little more time with my partners at work, he thinks I’m making him invisible. I go out with guys, he gets all emotional. I go out with my cousin he gets all emotional. Just because Frankie was there he gets all emotional. I mean like hello??! Do I not have friends outside his circle? Does he honestly think that any guys who talk to me, who goes out with me have an interest in me? Does he honestly think that I should probably stay away from ALL guys except him?

What makes him think he got the rights to do these kinda things to me? It’s not like it’s the first time it ever happened and I always seem to be the one who has to go down on my bloody knees, acting all vulnerable so that he will snap the hell out of it and “forgive” me. What the hell? A relationship takes two to work, whatever the relationship might be. If he is going to be so sensitive, so possessive then I don’t think I want to be near him. Does he not know that I’m actually tired? Hm? Does anyone actually think whether I am actually suffocating? Does anyone actually know?? No one knows, they only know what they feel.

Since I’m giving so much problems to so many people, it’s best that you guys just steer clear away from me. I don’t want to be accused of making people feel invisible anymore. Just leave me ALONE!! Fuck off!

NoOoOOooOO!!!

NoOoOOooOO!!! I'm going to start University life soon!! *runs around tearing hair out* it just dawned upon me how heavy that sounded!! god damn it, i'm going for the orientation tomorrow!! i will miss working at Starbucks... i will be a part timer now that i've started studying, meaning i won't get to see my beloved partners anytime soon!! i will miss hefni, francesca, meg, kit, sue li, jo ann, bervie, anil, vincent, simon. i certainly will not miss martin's bad breath (cue:VOMIT) and the stupid dumb bitch Rinna. LOSER! (cue: Puts an "L" shaped finger on head)

and of course, YEAH for other things! peace out peepz!

*moody*

Sometimes I hate myself,
I hate the way I feel,
I hate the way I make people feel,
I hate the way the world works.

It seems everything I do is wrong,
Nothing ever seems right,
The road ahead is long,
But it seems dark and alone.

I never wanted to feel this way,
Yet I put myself in such misery,
Sometimes the right one is in front of you,
Yet you never seem to realize it till they’re gone.

Is it my fault that you’re crushed?
Is it my fault for giving you hope?
Is it my fault for putting you in such misery?
Is it my fault for making your world cold?

Where would I be without you?
Where would you be without me?
Would it have been better if we didn’t meet?
Would it have made our world better?

I am torn apart,
I am thrown in confusion,
With the world swirling,
I cringe away from everything.

I tried to find peace,
I tried to find an answer,
The deeper I search,
The faster I fall.

Is it really impossible to have a platonic relationship?
Is it a rule that guys and girls cannot just be friends?
Is there a possibility that we can keep our friendship?
Is there a chance that you will forgive me?

Your intentions are good I know,
Perhaps I am just too blind,
Perhaps I should step away,
And give everyone space to breathe.

Because of you I know what it means,
What it means to love someone,
What it means to care for someone,
What it means to protect someone.

With all the strength left in you,
You try to protect what’s precious to you,
You are tired from the long and hard war,
But you never fail to fight a little longer.

The flame seems to diminish slowly,
As if signaling the life left in you,
Should the flame be extinguished one day,
I would really hope to ignite it again.

I am sorry for all the things I’ve done,
I am sorry for all the things I did,
I am sorry for all the things that happened,
I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart.

I do not deserve such kindness,
I do not deserve such care,
I do not deserve such love,
I do not deserve you at all.

*insane laughter*

nyahahahahaha.... i lost my cell phone! nyahahahahaha.. *continuous insane laughter*