void

So this is what it feels like after it has happened. Something empty in me. I know what I’ve done to him; I’ve caused him so much pain so much misery and I feel so guilty that I could feel guilt eating at my heart. Soon, maybe I won’t have a heart anymore… just an empty shell with no soul, everyday putting on a mask. So this is what it feels like.

It’s not that I don’t need him; it’s just that I can’t give him what he wants. Rather than dragging it on and on why not end it so that we can eventually heal? How long it will take to heal I really don’t know. I really wish we could go back to those times when he just started working, when he didn’t like me the way he liked me now. Those times we could be best of friends, laughing and talking like we used to. Now, it seems as if he wants me to forget him but I can’t. I can’t do it.

I think of the things he got me, the perfume, the pendant I now wear around my neck, the sushi he did for me when I was at work and I can’t help thinking how selfless he can be. How can I forget all those as if it never happened? How can I forget him when everything about him is still near me?

What will become of us? Will he avoid me? Will there be a distance between us? Will we ever laugh again? Will he be concerned about me again? I don’t know the answers to the questions for all I can do now is cry.