disturbing...

The contents of the following post might not follow exactly what has been said between my friend and I. It has been altered to suit the chronology of the sentences i wrote. If I have offended anyone in any way, accept my apologies but if you're going to flame me for it, see if I care. So, here it is :

I had a somewhat disturbing conversation with my friend. Well, technically it’s not a conversation. Rather it was an exchange of text messaging. I can’t give you a blow by blow explanation as I have a rather limited span of memory.

It all started when he touched the subject of boyfriends. Yes, boyfriends. As if I haven’t had enough of people asking me about that.

I told him, “I’ve told people lotsa times that if I don’t have a boyfriend, I won’t die.”

He replied by saying, “then your life won’t be perfect.”

“Nothing in life is perfect or fair. All I need are family and friends. Having a boyfriend brings problems so why bring all these unnecessary troubles to yourself?”

“But it would be better to have that special someone that understands you.” He replied.

“Sometimes, friends understand you better than your other half.” I replied.

“Then your life would be full of suffering.”

“You may think having a girlfriend is a necessity but I don’t think so. Everyone has their own views and opinions.” I was already thinking about a million things to retort him.

“Try to relax and you’ll find your happiness.”

“I like to think myself as an independent woman. I don’t need a special someone to make me happy. I am happy where I stand now. Why should I change anything?” I was like, hello? Can you not understand what I’m trying to say here?

“You don’t need to force yourself or pretend to think that way.” To which I didn’t bother replying him. Okay, this is the part where I will launch into a long ‘explanation’ of what I think about the stuff above.

Those who know me will know that after numerous relationships with guys, I have decided to settle on a single life. It’s a life that I really enjoyed because I don’t like being tied down to a certain someone because you’ll never know if a small action can cause that someone to be jealous and angry. Being single gives you freedom, well at least to me it does.

I somehow have that feeling that being in a relationship is like being in a cage. You cannot fly anywhere except within the boundaries of the cage. Just like in a relationship, you can’t wander off anywhere except within the grasp of your other half. You long to be fly out of that cage, to experience what the outside world can offer you. In a relationship you tend to wonder “what am I missing out?”

Of course, those already in a relationship will beg to differ. They enjoy being in a relationship and I understand that. What I can’t understand is why people must expect me to find a boyfriend. Is that a necessity? Like I’ve said before, without a boyfriend I will not die. A necessity is something that you can’t live without, like water. Water is a necessity because without it, you’ll dehydrate and die a gruesome death. You cannot liken a special someone to that. If that is so, then all the single people are probably all dead, leaving only those attached.

Why is it that people do not believe me when I say I am happy where I am now? Why is it that they must think that I’m putting on an act, that I’m forcing myself to think that way so that I don’t wallow in self pity? I sometimes wonder if girlfriend/boyfriend is the only thing in the minds of those people. There are other bigger things to focus. Maybe it’s because I have not found someone that I say these things but right now, this is what I feel. I can’t force myself to commit in a relationship if I know things would be better off if I hadn’t.

Maybe I just crave freedom so much that I couldn’t care less about relationships. Or maybe my heart changes so fast that I can’t stay loyal or stay long enough in a relationship. I don’t know. That friend of mine asked me to ask myself what my feelings were and I had a mixed answer. A contradicting one. I do not want to be in a relationship yet I would like to have the love and concern from people. Yes, this is what you call greed.

Relationships bring troubles in my opinion. You do not have to agree to that. If you can’t solve the problems already surfaced in your life, why bring more to your already burdened soul? It brings more questions to which I find hard to answer. “Will people like him/her?” “Will he/she be like a leech and not let me have my own space?” “Will my parents approve of him/her?” “Will I be able to get along with his/her friends and will he/she be able to do the same?”

In my previous post, I said that being in a relationship doesn’t only affect the lovers but also other people. Of course there is that attitude of “who cares what other people think? I’m happy and that’s all that matters.” It is true because I practise that all the time but once in a while I do stop and think if what I do really affect people in a bad way? What would they think of me? Would they even think I’m a lesbian now that I said I do not need a boyfriend to make me happy? I would like to explain that I’m NOT a lesbian because I am VERY attracted to erm, attractive guys like say, Orlando Bloom, Brad Pitt, Benjamin Bratt, Chad Michael Murray, etc. you know, those really cute guys so I am soooOOooo NOT lesbian.

Okay, with that cleared up I would just like all you people who care to know that I really do not want a boyfriend now. I’ve got bigger and more important things to handle than to focus my energy into such petty stuff. I have got to be strong to meet this harsh reality I’m in and by being in a relationship, you tend to be more dependent and weaker. So, would you guys stop asking me that bloody question of “Why don’t you find a boyfriend?”?!