a new day

It’s 6.30am and I’m about to go to university. After days of struggling, maybe, just maybe I’m finally letting go. It’s good that I took Frankie’s advice. Just for the time being, I’m playing the disappearing act. Time, that’s what I need.

I was doing my hair in the bathroom just now and all of a sudden I thought of my ex-boyfriends. So far, in all the relationships I’ve been, only two of them seemed real. First was of course my so-called “first contact” with a guy, Kah Wai in primary school. Yeah, imagine how young and naïve I was. He was the first guy I cried over after we broke up and yes, he was the last too. In subsequent relationships, when I broke up I did not shed a tear. I could be cruel or I could have built a protective wall from being hurt.

Second would of course be Weinon. Probably the only boyfriend that treats me the best. Now, thinking of him puts a smile on my face as I think back of the times we went through. He loved me a lot and cared for me a lot. He’s the first guy ever to kiss me on the cheek too. I still remember the time when it was raining heavily and he was under the umbrella with me. He walked me to the place where I always waited for my parents. Just as my parents’ car approached, he said those three little words and ran off into the rain. Funny how I can remember things like that when important things (like study material) never seem to stick long to me.

Would I ever be in a relationship again despite being asked countless times? I’m not sure. I’m not in a hurry to commit myself. After the stormy days, I finally believe I have found myself again. The old me that believes without a boyfriend I will not die. The old me that believes I can be strong on my own. The old me that believes I am independent. For those who have finally found their love, I wish you all the best and what can I say? Treat him/her good. For now, I’ll like to just keep the memories of my previous relationships and remember that at one time of my life, I was happy with the guy who was in a relationship with me.

Time to move on, bigger things to think about. I should not waste my time and my tears on things that might not happen. I’ve once said, I don’t waste time and energy on something that is not confirmed it will happen. Stand strong, let the big winds blow and I will not sway. I will let go, I will forget and hopefully, new things will come my way and better things too. Clear my mind of all frustrations, be positive and meet the day with a smile on my face. This is what I will do and I can do it. I believe so.

Maybe this closes a chapter of my life. The chapter of tears, hurt and grief. Like a new chapter on a fresh page, my heart and mind is beginning to start afresh too. Thanks Lina for being there for me, for listening to my incessant rants and complains. Thanks for giving me comfort and for your advice. Thanks Frankie for sharing with me your experience and your thoughts. Both of you picked me up from the drain and washed me clean with your comfort and words. Thank you very much. I believe the sun is peeking out from the clouds now on this new day.