memories

The past few entries have been pretty depressing and seem to be the trend for posts to come. I seem to only update my blog during wee hours of the morning, when silence sets in and my mind starts to think.

Space is what I asked for, space is what I got. Even though we have been talking to each other yet there is an empty space in me that seemingly only he can fill which is weird. I guess after all these years that we’ve spent in each other’s company made him somewhat indispensable.

Reading and thinking made me think of a lot of stuff. I thought of the time when he wanted to go to Australia to be a chef and he asked if I will cry when he does leave. I remembered saying that I’m already crying before he even left. I remembered those words he said to me, “you’re my angel but also my little devil.” I wrote it down and it’s in my file, reminding me of him. It’s weird that everything I have reminds me of him. For as long as possible, I do not want to take out the pendants at all. He gave it to me, I will wear it.

I guess 2005 was a bad year for us. This year we seemed to have more conflicts than usual. Words were said, actions were done and the pain was inflicted. I thought about 5 years back when we used to call each other at night and chat till the wee hours of the morning. Days were good then. Everything was good between us.

Maybe because it’s early morning, I feel an ache in my heart. I feel like he is not concerned about me anymore. I’m having my exams too but he didn’t really seem to care or wish me luck. I have my problems too but he wasn’t there. He was too busy. Yet, he’ll probably think I’m not there for him when he was having problems. However, I think back of those days when we used to chat online, who was there for him then? Wasn’t it me?

Where was the sincere smile? Where was the concern? Where was the old Walter that I used to enjoy? Where did it go? Where did he go? Where the once happy sms-es? Where has all these gone? Have they faded to just become memories? Memories of the past? Tears are rolling down my cheek as I type this out. The very emotion I’m feeling now. No one would understand the relationship I once had with him. No one understood how I felt but yet again, my actions never seem to justify how I felt. It is something deep that cannot be explained.

Hadn’t he once implied that he’ll never like anyone else like I reportedly said months ago? Hadn’t he said, “The door is always open.”? I guess I chose to shut it in his face..

Memories,
The joy and the laughter,
The pain and the tears,
The ups and downs,
The sunshine and rain.

Memories,
Leaving an empty shell,
Leaving an empty heart,
Leaving a tired soul,
Leaving tears behind.

Memories,
The smile on your face,
The sound of your voice,
The touch of your hand,
The way you smell.

Memories,
Everything seems so far,
Everything seems changed,
Everything seems dark,
Everything seems hopeless.

Memories,
You leave a mark in me,
A mark that will never leave,
A mark that is here to stay,
A mark so deep it hurts.

Memories,
Won’t you take me away?
Briskly into the night,
Under the pale moonlight,
Under the shining stars.

Memories,
I need your wings,
To fly away from here,
To leave my heart behind,
To leave you behind.

Memories,
Grant me my wish,
My wish of happiness,
Not for me but for him,
Not for anyone else.

Memories,
Grant me another wish,
My wish of being cold,
Not for him but for me,
Not for anyone else.

Memories,
I pray that you grant me my wishes,
I need them granted so badly,
I need him to be happy,
I need me to be cold.