i'm tired...

It’s almost 3 am and I am still awake. There is a funny feeling inside. A sense of uncomfort maybe? I don’t know.

If someone was there for me when I was at my lowest, if someone was there to pick me up after I fall, if someone made me see things in a different perspective, if someone made me strong again after I became weak, should I start liking the person in a different way? Should that like turn into love? Should sympathy, support and encouragement be misunderstood for love? When does one know it’s love and when it’s just support and pity? Of all of my online friends, I really have to thank Greg because he did all of the above. He was there for me when the depression sinks in; he picked me up and gave me comfort. Deep down, I am grateful I met him.

On the other hand, is it wrong for me to concentrate on my studies? Is it wrong for me to push everyone away so that I can concentrate on my exams? When I say I’m tired, I really am. Family, friends, work, studies. Just how much can I take? I have to balance everything out because if the scale is unbalanced, everything goes awry and who will pick the pieces up? Me. Sometimes I feel it’s just a one way thing. Like I am the only one making an effort to make sure everything is in balance. Like no one really understands the situation I’m in. it’s true, no one does understand what I’m going through. What do they know? Just plain ol’ me who doesn’t study till exams come, me who seems to have so much fun it’s a sin. Who really know what I’m dealing with? Who really knows the pressure of everything closing in on me? No one.

I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of people taking me for granted. I’m tired of people wanting me to be everywhere at one time. I’m tired of doing charity. Do they even acknowledge all I’ve done for them? Do they know the sacrifices I made? Do they know how I tried to make them happy? Or do they only remember the bitter memories I bring? I am only human, I am not perfect. Why do they expect everything to be perfect from me?

Why do I feel so tired? Is it the responsibilities of others I’m helping them to shoulder that are bringing me down? Is it my nature of trying to help them that’s finally causing the end of me? Why is it that my deepest feelings cannot be expressed freely? Why is it every time I do that, people misunderstand it and think otherwise? How long do I need to suppress all this? Someone tell me, how long all this must go on? Someone, tell me.