recovering slowly but surely.. anger and hatred fuels my life now.

I wonder if using anger and hatred to fuel my life is healthy. After all these anger I’m spitting out, I’m actually wondering if it’s good for my health but heck, who cares anyway? I’m still living my life, I don’t live it for anyone else so I guess it’s still good. It’s weird how you think someone is your friend but they went back on their promises. Tell you my problems? *cynical laugh* I don’t tell people my problems unless you have half of my trust and I don’t tell people my problems if I can help it so that I don’t burden people with it. If can, I would rather shoulder all of it than to place my friends in a difficult situation but sorry Lina, I guess I did put you in a difficult situation by telling you all these stuff.

My friend said, “In real life I got a simple rule.... I hate everyone. Whoever knows to overcome this hatred & gains my respect can turn into a potential friend” and I think that it is one way to prevent yourself from being betrayed. She was recently betrayed by a person whom she knew for quite some time and she said, “look at what trusting ppl did for me.”. I guess, sometimes we just can’t trust anyone. Trust will only put you in danger when someone decides to take it and throw it right back into your face.

How can one grow stronger? I have no idea because I’m still working out on that myself. Maybe for me is just not trusting people and keeping everything to myself if possible. Maybe for me, growing stronger means turning cold. Maybe just maybe, I’ve grown a little stronger after all that’s happened to me recently. Like what Greg said, I probably need room to grow after all the bad things that have built up recently. I probably do need space. At least till I’m sure I’m perfectly ok again. Right now? I’m probably at 60%. Slow progress right?

Oh well, I’m living by my principle of “without a boyfriend, I will not die”. Funny how my last few posts seems to put me in a feminist light and the whole betrayed crap. Maybe I’m still angry at being betrayed, being played out. Andrew supports me when he heard what happened and I’m surprised that he sounded as if he really wished I wasn’t hurt. And to the few others out there who did wish I wasn’t hurt, thank you for your support. It means a lot to me when I’m in the gutter.

I just want my bloody exams to be over so I can be free and start working again. At least that will take my mind off one matter.