The end of 2006

So, I have like forty minutes before the end of the year. Most people probably think I have abandoned this blog of mine because seriously, look at the date of my last post! Well, I don’t care or mind if people don’t come here anymore because people have got better things to do than to lurk around in my blog, waiting for me to update.

I’m hoping that year 2007 will be a better year, without earthquakes that will destroy some submarine cable which will then affect my already sucky internet connection. Oh yeah, I also hope that there will be no more earthquakes that will kill thousands of people but the next day, the news is not given the prominence it deserves because some pop singer announced that she’s gonna marry some forty year old uncle.

I also hope that 2007 will be a year where there will be no “one” country passing judgements on another country where this “one” country is disillusioning the world with another claim, different from the claim they made when they invaded the “other” country. I also hope that there will be no “one” country thinking that they are the superior ones and should thus rule the whole world, invading wherever they like. So, you guys confused yet?

For my fellow good friends, loyal ones – you guys know who you are – I’m wishing for the best of health and success for you guys. What do I want for myself? Probably to do better in my studies (yes, very cliché) and for better things to come my way. I also hope that finally I’ll be able to let things go and totally forget all the bad things that happened but it doesn’t mean I’m going to be forgiving when the situation arises, should it arise of course. I probably want my selective amnesia to kick in. I wonder if I’m secretly still waiting for that day to come and whether I will still be filled with glee when it does. Secretly I probably will. I wish I could do a “IN YOUR FACE, LOSER!” impression. *evil grin*

I’m currently very much obsessed with Korean music, if not only TVXQ music. It’s funny but I have sort of established some sort of connection with them. Not literally of course. It’s more of an emotional connection so whenever anyone of them falls sick or something, I really do get very worried and get all moody. I’m not some rabid fangirl or anything, it’s just that I really immerse myself in their entirety and no, that wasn’t supposed to sound like some cult or something. Oh, not that I need to explain myself to you and you’re free to think that I’m some stupid shallow fangirl for feeling so emotional over a band of boys. I know myself what kind of person I am and I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m actually more intellectual than you. HA! Take THAT! Yes, I too wonder where my blown ego comes from.

I wonder if all that crap I wrote up there are new year resolutions. I think not. I happen to think new year resolutions are usually more “selfish” in a sense that it gives you benefits like the whole i-wanna-lose-weight resolution by some insecure girl provoked by her superficial, shallow of a boyfriend who thinks she’s fat when she’s actually not. Wow, I’m really bitchy when it comes to things like these eh? Like I’m never satisfied with anything but hey, it’s impossible for us to reach utopia so as long as there’s no utopia, there will always be rambling from me.

Woot! 10 more minutes to go so HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS! Stay healthy okay?!

Goth music, the cause of rising suicidal rates?

Before reading what I wrote below, please visit http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-2133369.html for the source I quoted below. Also, these pictures are the artistes I talked about below.

Marilyn Manson



Fields Of The Nephilim




Siouxsie & the Banshees



Ok, this is where it all begins.

‘Antichrist Superstar’ from Marilyn Manson’s ‘Antichrist Superstar’ album pumps into my ears. One look at the title and people would point at me, screaming, “Heresy!” and they would probably burn me at the stake. Seen as an iconic figure of Goth subculture, Marilyn Manson strikes the public as someone they should be afraid of. Goth music is always associated with dark clothing, heavy makeup, androgyny and non-conforming lyrics. Mention Goth music or icons like Marilyn Manson and people immediately associate suicide with them. This is a common misconception especially after the Columbine High School incident on 20 April 1999, where two teenagers went on a killing spree before killing themselves.

According to a study by the University of Glasgow that was published in the British Medical Journal, almost half of teenagers who identify with the Goth subculture have attempted suicide. As can be seen from the news article attached, 43 percent of the subjects of study associates with suicide while 57 percent with self harm. With such large numbers, it is not surprising for parents to feel worried when their children listen to such music. Coupled with the image of groups like Fields Of The Nephilim, Marilyn Manson and Siouxsie & the Banshees (see attached), parents think their children are joining some dark cult meant to worship Satan.

If you take away the heavy makeup, the elaborate dressings and the distorted sound effects in the music, would that make the bands more acceptable? Throw in some formulaic lyrics that conform to society’s façade on important and critical issues and the blame on mounting suicidal rates would shift to some other reason. Goths may have been depressed before following the Goth subculture. The public believes that Goth music further fuel the depression leading them to suicide. When the music identifies the critical issues at hand – like how parents do not communicate enough with their children – the public immediately points finger at Goth music when a teenager commits suicide.

Then, you begin to wonder. What is the real root of the problems of teenagers committing suicide? Is it really the Goth music or reasons like a miscommunication between the teenagers and the parents? For example, they have an argument with their parents, leading them to think they do not have understanding parents. Then, they succumb to depression and find solace in Goth music. After more arguments with their parents, in a split second, they commit suicide. The last “cause” seen before committing suicide is the Goth music they listened to before the act. The real cause before the involvement in Goth music was not tracked which is the miscommunication with the parents. It was more convenient to just blame Goth music rather than tracking the real cause all the way to the parents as it paints a bad picture of the parents.

People feel more comfortable when a serious issue is disguised as something that can be solved easily or is not as serious as it seems. They prefer to lie on a bed of roses rather than to lie on a bed of thorns. When the ugly truth is disclosed in Goth music, they regard the latter as something inappropriate for teenagers. If we continue to blame Goth music for the rise in suicide rates, will we really be able to lower the rates by preventing our children from listening to such music?

food for thought?

The lack of updates on my blog, what does it mean? Does it mean that my blog is no longer a place where I provide daily accounts on my life? Does it mean that I only provide an update when there is something I want to say or something provocative? A blog is like a diary, a place where u write down events so that one day, you can look back and relive the events. I thought to myself, do I really want to look back five years later and think how stupid it was of me to tell everyone what I did on a particular day which included meeting up with friends, what my friends said, what my teachers did, what assignment I’m doing, where I went out, what time I came back from work and I could go on and on. Do people really want to know all that? NO. then I think of blogs where people do really give a daily account of what happened that day. Are these people that lame? Do I really need to know what they ate that afternoon? Are these the things that they think are important? That they think of nothing else but these trivial matters?

Of course, a blog is a place where one can practice freedom of speech. It’s a personal and private space where you can say whatever you want, however stupid it is. But when you say it’s a private space, how private can it be when you blog is up for millions of others to read? Can you really say that “I can write whatever I want because this is MY blog and I can say whatever I want without bothering about anything else.”? Could a supposed trivial matter in your opinion leave a big impact on the rest of society? Would a seemingly harmless comment be a big insult to others? What then justifies the things a person writes in a blog? Then again, who decides who justifies what?

I have decided that my blog will no longer be an update on what happened on a particular day or week. I have decided that by providing a detailed account of what happened in my life is pointless and LAME. I will only post something if I was intrigued in a certain matter and a lack of updates doesn’t mean I do not think, just that there aren’t many matters that provoked my thinking.

Am I the winner?

So what has been happening? I sorta had an emotional moment in my car on my way home from uni when I was stuck in the traffic jam. It was unexpected but I guess I’ll never be able to listen to Gavin Degraw in the same way ever again. As I listened to his “More Than Anyone” track and sang along, tears streamed down my face as each word struck me hard as memories flashed back and I was brought back to the time and place where I thought I had long forsaken.

Were the feelings that real and that deep that it is now rooted in my heart and it is not willing to let go? Even though I had thought I buried and suffocated it? It has been so long and I have learned to live without it so why the tears when I listened to the song? The whole album became the very source of all my suppressed emotions and memories. And I’m supposed to delve deeper in the issue as part of my assignment. To go back to the past, to feel the emotions of happiness, intimacy, sadness and then the ultimate emotion of them all, the sense of anger at the very end of it all. Do I have the courage to dive deeper into the pool of turbulent emotions I keep hidden? Dive in and emerge unscathed again? I don’t know. I’m skeptical, I always am.

Amazing how big an impact it was on my life. Maybe that’s the one thing I’m thankful for, the introduction to good music. Other than that, I can’t think of any more merits. Why should I anyway? Everyone thought I would be fine now that time has passed by and time erases if not makes memory a blur but I can’t bring myself to accept such people. How can I when even my mother thinks they’re not worth it? A presence once so big in my life and now gone, I’m amazed I was not much affected. At least I don’t huddle up in a corner, lock myself in the room for days, starve myself for days (or even worst, stuff myself with food and everything sinful) just because things don’t go my way. In this way, I think I’m the winner so I’m thankful for the strength and courage in achieving that.

Quote of the day : If everyone lives hugging the pains of life, someone tell me what am I gonna lose next?

You've officially been Bitchen'd!

It really has been ages since I last updated my blog. Come to think of it, it’s not that I don’t have anything to say or write – in fact there are tons of them – but I guess I’m just not that psyched up to write any of them down here.

One thing, UTAR is pissing the shit out of me with their crappy way of handling things (last minute change of timetables), mismanagement to which we are funding them every year with RM300 for their admin expenses (not enough rooms yet taking in more students they can handle and as a result, our timetables stretch all the way up to 7pm), closure of the toilet at the second level making us girls having to line up all the way out of the toilet in level one because there’s only three cubicles. Oh I swear to god, the things that UTAR do and stuff is making me bounce off the walls.

English Language Society has finally been approved but under probation period. I hate working with the chairperson and the vice-chairperson (although the other vice-chairperson is a darling) for the reason they piss me off. They’re both lovers and I think the chairperson elected the vice because they can probably then mix business with pleasure and the chairperson can actually forget that she’s got ANOTHER vice-chairperson other than her will-two-time-my-girlfriend-because-I-found-another-girl-who-interests-me-and-therefore-I-will-pursue-her-in-the-name-of-fun boyfriend. I was also one of the nominees for the vice post but since she gave it to her bastard of a boyfriend, she appointed my Head of Committee because “quite a lot of people like you too”. What the hell is that supposed to make me feel? That I should go “oh, thank you Almighty. Your wish is my command.”?

Then there is the crappy lecturer that UTAR employs to teach us on Morphology. Oh pardon me, not lecturer but a SECONDARY SCHOOL TEACHER! She has no idea what she is teaching and not to mention she creates new words to show us how Morphology works. I mean, that’s not how you should do things. Give us examples of REAL words to show us how Morphology works. Words like “wuk, gloof, unslow, toothable,etc.” are the new words she created. Heck, we even came up with new words of our own too. For example, right now I am the bitchener and my Morphology teacher is the bitchenee.

They say university days are supposed to be fun and all but I think otherwise. With the extra responsibility of being class representative, there’s more to do and there’s less time. Assignments have also begun pouring in and I can’t say I’m particularly enthusiastic over it. Oh well.

Quote of the day: You’ve officially been Bitchen'd!

I HATE BEING BROKE!

After so long, now I remember how it feels like to be truly broke. There are people owing me money but how do I open my mouth and ask them? I find that very hard to do and I pray that they remember they owe me money. Right now, I don’t even have enough money to top up the credit of my phone. The last I checked, my credit balance is lo behold, ONE CENT! I’m never left with one cent in the years I’ve had a phone so tell me how pathetic my financial situation is. Sure, everyone tells me that I’ve still got the loan and all but do you seriously think I’ll go and touch the money there whenever I like? It’s not like the money is given to me free. I plan to use that money only to buy books and for the language courses I’m due to take soon. Other than that, it should stay as untouched as possible. My other account is as pathetic with minimal balance because why? Starbucks can’t fucking give me the hours I want. Apparently, Microsoft Word thinks I should substitute “fucking” with “fuck” because it’s either grammatically incorrect or the word “fucking” doesn’t exist. *shrug*

This is why I hate being the person to buy an expensive present with my money first and then later collect it from others because I don’t know how to open my mouth to ask for the money they owe me. This is also why I hate being able to help friends out of their financial situation and then to wait for them to either remember or save up enough to pay back and that is IF they remember.

Oh, X-Men 3 SUCKS! Brett Ratner (or however you spell it) should burn in hell for ruining the trilogy with a shitty last installment. This is what happens when you give such an amazing franchise to a director who is not even an X-Men fan.

Bad week/month this is –with the exception of the Redang trip – with my financial constraints and all the shitty nicknames people put on MSN declaring their love in public that makes me wanna vomit all over the place and just strangle the shit out of them. I’m in a spiteful mood.

Ichi Ritoru no Namida

I have finally finished watching One Litre of Tears (Ichi Ritoru no Namida) and each episode I watch, I cry. I’m not sure if I’ve cried one litre of tears but I did cry. To all that’s looking for a story that’s both inspiring and touching, do watch this Japanese drama. My heart aches to think that some people spend their youth bed-ridden because of an incurable disease and just when others are at their prime age of 25, they have passed away. While crying one litre of tears, their stories have encouraged and touched the hearts of so many. This drama gets me depressed and makes me think that we are all so lucky to be able to do the things we often take for granted like walking, running and walking hand in hand with your loved one. We often take for granted the days we spend being alive and healthy. Health to some is a luxury they cannot afford.

Motto of the day : Live on forever.