feeling fucked up

These past few days, I’ve been dead worried about Walter. I’ve been thinking what is he doing now, how is he feeling. He told me the dark side is calling him again and I wish I could hold him back. He said he felt like he was hitting the ground and I wish I could cushion his fall. He said it’s a lonely journey and I wished it wasn’t so. I wished for so many things yet I could not do any one of them. Have I failed him as a friend? During the times when he felt down or depressed, he confided in me. And when I hear all of the things he’s going through, I cry. I cry for him and for myself and it’s happening again tonight. I am maintaining 4 chatrooms and I got to be happy in one, consoling in another, listening in another and just crapping in the last one. To be 4 diff emotions at the same time is not easy especially when I’m crying now. I really wish I was there for him. I really wish I could give him the comfort he seeks but I can’t. Just when he needed somebody the most, I wasn’t there. I don’t cry for many friends but for Walter, I do. I felt the utmost ache and sympathy inside me. I felt as if I owed him too much and now there’s nothing I can do and I hate feeling that. I hate the fact that he’s been there for me but I can’t do the same. It’s a fucked up feeling! I’m just gonna let the tears stream down now….