If You Don't Like What You See, Get The HELL Out!

The end of 2006

2006-12-31T23:53:00.000+08:00

So, I have like forty minutes before the end of the year. Most people probably think I have abandoned this blog of mine because seriously, look at the date of my last post! Well, I don’t care or mind if people don’t come here anymore because people have got better things to do than to lurk around in my blog, waiting for me to update.

I’m hoping that year 2007 will be a better year, without earthquakes that will destroy some submarine cable which will then affect my already sucky internet connection. Oh yeah, I also hope that there will be no more earthquakes that will kill thousands of people but the next day, the news is not given the prominence it deserves because some pop singer announced that she’s gonna marry some forty year old uncle.

I also hope that 2007 will be a year where there will be no “one” country passing judgements on another country where this “one” country is disillusioning the world with another claim, different from the claim they made when they invaded the “other” country. I also hope that there will be no “one” country thinking that they are the superior ones and should thus rule the whole world, invading wherever they like. So, you guys confused yet?

For my fellow good friends, loyal ones – you guys know who you are – I’m wishing for the best of health and success for you guys. What do I want for myself? Probably to do better in my studies (yes, very cliché) and for better things to come my way. I also hope that finally I’ll be able to let things go and totally forget all the bad things that happened but it doesn’t mean I’m going to be forgiving when the situation arises, should it arise of course. I probably want my selective amnesia to kick in. I wonder if I’m secretly still waiting for that day to come and whether I will still be filled with glee when it does. Secretly I probably will. I wish I could do a “IN YOUR FACE, LOSER!” impression. *evil grin*

I’m currently very much obsessed with Korean music, if not only TVXQ music. It’s funny but I have sort of established some sort of connection with them. Not literally of course. It’s more of an emotional connection so whenever anyone of them falls sick or something, I really do get very worried and get all moody. I’m not some rabid fangirl or anything, it’s just that I really immerse myself in their entirety and no, that wasn’t supposed to sound like some cult or something. Oh, not that I need to explain myself to you and you’re free to think that I’m some stupid shallow fangirl for feeling so emotional over a band of boys. I know myself what kind of person I am and I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m actually more intellectual than you. HA! Take THAT! Yes, I too wonder where my blown ego comes from.

I wonder if all that crap I wrote up there are new year resolutions. I think not. I happen to think new year resolutions are usually more “selfish” in a sense that it gives you benefits like the whole i-wanna-lose-weight resolution by some insecure girl provoked by her superficial, shallow of a boyfriend who thinks she’s fat when she’s actually not. Wow, I’m really bitchy when it comes to things like these eh? Like I’m never satisfied with anything but hey, it’s impossible for us to reach utopia so as long as there’s no utopia, there will always be rambling from me.

Woot! 10 more minutes to go so HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS! Stay healthy okay?!

Goth music, the cause of rising suicidal rates?

2006-10-08T22:58:00.000+08:00

Before reading what I wrote below, please visit http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-2133369.html for the source I quoted below. Also, these pictures are the artistes I talked about below.

Marilyn Manson

Fields Of The Nephilim

Siouxsie & the Banshees

Ok, this is where it all begins.

‘Antichrist Superstar’ from Marilyn Manson’s ‘Antichrist Superstar’ album pumps into my ears. One look at the title and people would point at me, screaming, “Heresy!” and they would probably burn me at the stake. Seen as an iconic figure of Goth subculture, Marilyn Manson strikes the public as someone they should be afraid of. Goth music is always associated with dark clothing, heavy makeup, androgyny and non-conforming lyrics. Mention Goth music or icons like Marilyn Manson and people immediately associate suicide with them. This is a common misconception especially after the Columbine High School incident on 20 April 1999, where two teenagers went on a killing spree before killing themselves.

According to a study by the University of Glasgow that was published in the British Medical Journal, almost half of teenagers who identify with the Goth subculture have attempted suicide. As can be seen from the news article attached, 43 percent of the subjects of study associates with suicide while 57 percent with self harm. With such large numbers, it is not surprising for parents to feel worried when their children listen to such music. Coupled with the image of groups like Fields Of The Nephilim, Marilyn Manson and Siouxsie & the Banshees (see attached), parents think their children are joining some dark cult meant to worship Satan.

If you take away the heavy makeup, the elaborate dressings and the distorted sound effects in the music, would that make the bands more acceptable? Throw in some formulaic lyrics that conform to society’s façade on important and critical issues and the blame on mounting suicidal rates would shift to some other reason. Goths may have been depressed before following the Goth subculture. The public believes that Goth music further fuel the depression leading them to suicide. When the music identifies the critical issues at hand – like how parents do not communicate enough with their children – the public immediately points finger at Goth music when a teenager commits suicide.

Then, you begin to wonder. What is the real root of the problems of teenagers committing suicide? Is it really the Goth music or reasons like a miscommunication between the teenagers and the parents? For example, they have an argument with their parents, leading them to think they do not have understanding parents. Then, they succumb to depression and find solace in Goth music. After more arguments with their parents, in a split second, they commit suicide. The last “cause” seen before committing suicide is the Goth music they listened to before the act. The real cause before the involvement in Goth music was not tracked which is the miscommunication with the parents. It was more convenient to just blame Goth music rather than tracking the real cause all the way to the parents as it paints a bad picture of the parents.

People feel more comfortable when a serious issue is disguised as something that can be solved easily or is not as serious as it seems. They prefer to lie on a bed of roses rather than to lie on a bed of thorns. When the ugly truth is disclosed in Goth music, they regard the latter as something inappropriate for teenagers. If we continue to blame Goth music for the rise in suicide rates, will we really be able to lower the rates by preventing our children from listening to such music?

food for thought?

2006-08-26T23:09:00.000+08:00

The lack of updates on my blog, what does it mean? Does it mean that my blog is no longer a place where I provide daily accounts on my life? Does it mean that I only provide an update when there is something I want to say or something provocative? A blog is like a diary, a place where u write down events so that one day, you can look back and relive the events. I thought to myself, do I really want to look back five years later and think how stupid it was of me to tell everyone what I did on a particular day which included meeting up with friends, what my friends said, what my teachers did, what assignment I’m doing, where I went out, what time I came back from work and I could go on and on. Do people really want to know all that? NO. then I think of blogs where people do really give a daily account of what happened that day. Are these people that lame? Do I really need to know what they ate that afternoon? Are these the things that they think are important? That they think of nothing else but these trivial matters?

Of course, a blog is a place where one can practice freedom of speech. It’s a personal and private space where you can say whatever you want, however stupid it is. But when you say it’s a private space, how private can it be when you blog is up for millions of others to read? Can you really say that “I can write whatever I want because this is MY blog and I can say whatever I want without bothering about anything else.”? Could a supposed trivial matter in your opinion leave a big impact on the rest of society? Would a seemingly harmless comment be a big insult to others? What then justifies the things a person writes in a blog? Then again, who decides who justifies what?

I have decided that my blog will no longer be an update on what happened on a particular day or week. I have decided that by providing a detailed account of what happened in my life is pointless and LAME. I will only post something if I was intrigued in a certain matter and a lack of updates doesn’t mean I do not think, just that there aren’t many matters that provoked my thinking.

Am I the winner?

2006-07-11T23:42:00.000+08:00

So what has been happening? I sorta had an emotional moment in my car on my way home from uni when I was stuck in the traffic jam. It was unexpected but I guess I’ll never be able to listen to Gavin Degraw in the same way ever again. As I listened to his “More Than Anyone” track and sang along, tears streamed down my face as each word struck me hard as memories flashed back and I was brought back to the time and place where I thought I had long forsaken.

Were the feelings that real and that deep that it is now rooted in my heart and it is not willing to let go? Even though I had thought I buried and suffocated it? It has been so long and I have learned to live without it so why the tears when I listened to the song? The whole album became the very source of all my suppressed emotions and memories. And I’m supposed to delve deeper in the issue as part of my assignment. To go back to the past, to feel the emotions of happiness, intimacy, sadness and then the ultimate emotion of them all, the sense of anger at the very end of it all. Do I have the courage to dive deeper into the pool of turbulent emotions I keep hidden? Dive in and emerge unscathed again? I don’t know. I’m skeptical, I always am.

Amazing how big an impact it was on my life. Maybe that’s the one thing I’m thankful for, the introduction to good music. Other than that, I can’t think of any more merits. Why should I anyway? Everyone thought I would be fine now that time has passed by and time erases if not makes memory a blur but I can’t bring myself to accept such people. How can I when even my mother thinks they’re not worth it? A presence once so big in my life and now gone, I’m amazed I was not much affected. At least I don’t huddle up in a corner, lock myself in the room for days, starve myself for days (or even worst, stuff myself with food and everything sinful) just because things don’t go my way. In this way, I think I’m the winner so I’m thankful for the strength and courage in achieving that.

Quote of the day : If everyone lives hugging the pains of life, someone tell me what am I gonna lose next?

You've officially been Bitchen'd!

2006-06-16T09:03:00.000+08:00

It really has been ages since I last updated my blog. Come to think of it, it’s not that I don’t have anything to say or write – in fact there are tons of them – but I guess I’m just not that psyched up to write any of them down here.

One thing, UTAR is pissing the shit out of me with their crappy way of handling things (last minute change of timetables), mismanagement to which we are funding them every year with RM300 for their admin expenses (not enough rooms yet taking in more students they can handle and as a result, our timetables stretch all the way up to 7pm), closure of the toilet at the second level making us girls having to line up all the way out of the toilet in level one because there’s only three cubicles. Oh I swear to god, the things that UTAR do and stuff is making me bounce off the walls.

English Language Society has finally been approved but under probation period. I hate working with the chairperson and the vice-chairperson (although the other vice-chairperson is a darling) for the reason they piss me off. They’re both lovers and I think the chairperson elected the vice because they can probably then mix business with pleasure and the chairperson can actually forget that she’s got ANOTHER vice-chairperson other than her will-two-time-my-girlfriend-because-I-found-another-girl-who-interests-me-and-therefore-I-will-pursue-her-in-the-name-of-fun boyfriend. I was also one of the nominees for the vice post but since she gave it to her bastard of a boyfriend, she appointed my Head of Committee because “quite a lot of people like you too”. What the hell is that supposed to make me feel? That I should go “oh, thank you Almighty. Your wish is my command.”?

Then there is the crappy lecturer that UTAR employs to teach us on Morphology. Oh pardon me, not lecturer but a SECONDARY SCHOOL TEACHER! She has no idea what she is teaching and not to mention she creates new words to show us how Morphology works. I mean, that’s not how you should do things. Give us examples of REAL words to show us how Morphology works. Words like “wuk, gloof, unslow, toothable,etc.” are the new words she created. Heck, we even came up with new words of our own too. For example, right now I am the bitchener and my Morphology teacher is the bitchenee.

They say university days are supposed to be fun and all but I think otherwise. With the extra responsibility of being class representative, there’s more to do and there’s less time. Assignments have also begun pouring in and I can’t say I’m particularly enthusiastic over it. Oh well.

Quote of the day: You’ve officially been Bitchen'd!

I HATE BEING BROKE!

2006-05-28T22:23:00.000+08:00

After so long, now I remember how it feels like to be truly broke. There are people owing me money but how do I open my mouth and ask them? I find that very hard to do and I pray that they remember they owe me money. Right now, I don’t even have enough money to top up the credit of my phone. The last I checked, my credit balance is lo behold, ONE CENT! I’m never left with one cent in the years I’ve had a phone so tell me how pathetic my financial situation is. Sure, everyone tells me that I’ve still got the loan and all but do you seriously think I’ll go and touch the money there whenever I like? It’s not like the money is given to me free. I plan to use that money only to buy books and for the language courses I’m due to take soon. Other than that, it should stay as untouched as possible. My other account is as pathetic with minimal balance because why? Starbucks can’t fucking give me the hours I want. Apparently, Microsoft Word thinks I should substitute “fucking” with “fuck” because it’s either grammatically incorrect or the word “fucking” doesn’t exist. *shrug*

This is why I hate being the person to buy an expensive present with my money first and then later collect it from others because I don’t know how to open my mouth to ask for the money they owe me. This is also why I hate being able to help friends out of their financial situation and then to wait for them to either remember or save up enough to pay back and that is IF they remember.

Oh, X-Men 3 SUCKS! Brett Ratner (or however you spell it) should burn in hell for ruining the trilogy with a shitty last installment. This is what happens when you give such an amazing franchise to a director who is not even an X-Men fan.

Bad week/month this is –with the exception of the Redang trip – with my financial constraints and all the shitty nicknames people put on MSN declaring their love in public that makes me wanna vomit all over the place and just strangle the shit out of them. I’m in a spiteful mood.

Ichi Ritoru no Namida

2006-05-26T17:35:00.000+08:00

I have finally finished watching One Litre of Tears (Ichi Ritoru no Namida) and each episode I watch, I cry. I’m not sure if I’ve cried one litre of tears but I did cry. To all that’s looking for a story that’s both inspiring and touching, do watch this Japanese drama. My heart aches to think that some people spend their youth bed-ridden because of an incurable disease and just when others are at their prime age of 25, they have passed away. While crying one litre of tears, their stories have encouraged and touched the hearts of so many. This drama gets me depressed and makes me think that we are all so lucky to be able to do the things we often take for granted like walking, running and walking hand in hand with your loved one. We often take for granted the days we spend being alive and healthy. Health to some is a luxury they cannot afford.

Motto of the day : Live on forever.

REDANG!

2006-05-21T12:48:00.000+08:00

A holiday with a bunch of good and fun friends before the new term starts is what I need before another 14 weeks of grueling torture. I had tons of fun there, needless to say Meng Ho and Ti Pui who shared a room with Fei Kee and I made us laugh with their stupid antics. Although we were at the beach but sadly there were no guys there with a nice body except the employees of the resort we were at. They were seriously like dark chocolate brown and their bodies, FUH! It’s flat and there’s abs man!!! It’s really ironic how these people smoke like chimney (Smore smoked in the sea while guiding a few people on a float with one hand holding onto the float and another with a cig above water) and yet their stamina to swim so far without any equipment (life jacket, fins, etc.) is so great. Their bodies are really nice to ogle at since they wear their shorts quite low and there’s the hint of pelvis which I have a weak spot for. so the sight of pelvis coupled with their solid hard body is heavenly but then again, they’re all pretty small in size.

Well, wait till I get my hands on my cable/card reader and I’ll upload some pictures. Smore opened a bottle of Vodka for me (FOC) because we knew each other the previous time I went there with my brother. I had to remind him about me and when he remembered, he was happy to see me again. So yeah, that two nights over there were drinking sessions. First night was Bacardi and we had to drink it as a penalty of the game we played which was kinda stupid and is more fun the more you drink because then you’ll be a bit tipsy and your coordination are all out of order. Second night was the night Smore finally remembered me and that was Vodka night. He said I had to finish the whole bottle and asked me to invite my other friends to join too. Ti Pui wanted me to finish my glass of half-half (Vodka and Sprite) in one gulp with another guy. Well, I didn’t get drunk, just a little bit high considering how much I drank and such. After that was a free glass of Tonic Gin from Smore which tasted real nice, like there’s lime in the drink. I also got a taste of how Long Island taste like (which was a combination of vodka, gin, rum, tequila, with Coke and a slice of lime). Tasted nice, something different from the usual drinks I take.

Redang was full of sunshine there and I got the tan that I wanted, YES!! However, I have to bear with the nickname, Ms Lobster Nose as given by Dr Carmen for sunburnt people. I love the colour of my skin now, the colour of caramel and like I told Andrew when I went for work, since the coffee of the day (COD) is Viennese Blend which is ‘lively, caramelly finish’ thus I had to be caramelly finished too. He said I look toasted.

So yeah, tomorrow school starts and I don’t want to go back so soon seeing that the co-called “temporary” timetable is like shit with classes up to 6.30pm which will clash with my language classes should I choose to take them. Damn, I do hope they amend it since Friday I reportedly only have one class and it starts in the god damn afternoon. Well, hopefully the amended timetable is better than this current shit.

What else is there to say? I finished 3 out of 4 books Dr Carmen lent to me. I have one more to start and I’m currently reading The Devil Wears Prada. These days the rate I’m reading books is painfully slow. I used to be able to read like about a hundred pages in one sitting. Nowadays, I can’t seem to sit still to finish the book. Right now I’m really into Kangta & Vanness, the latest duo that’s rocking Korea and Asia. I love their single ‘Scandal’. Scandal is a really groovy song that makes you want to get on your feet and just dance. In fact, I’m listening to it now and my body just automatically moves to the music. I’m hoping they’ll continue this collaboration of theirs (although it does seem a little weird) but I don’t mind if their songs are this good. Here’s the cover picture.

another somewhat depressing and common poem i would write?

2006-05-08T22:55:00.000+08:00

I sat in solitude,
Settling my inner feud,
Battling my desire,
Is there love for hire?

I toss and turn in bed,
I feel trapped behind a gate,
I have waited to be free,
I beg you to set me free.

You have the key to my heart,
Yet we are so far apart,
Where are you now my prince?
As I think of you I wince.

You are my faceless prince,
How long has it been since?
When did all of this start?
When did you conquer my heart?

Those tears I cried at night,
I thought I had lost the fight,
Did you even know then?
Did you feel sorry then?

As I touch those lonely tears,
I am overwhelmed by fears,
Fears of being deserted,
Fears of being discarded.

Why have you stayed far away?
I would love you come what may,
I love every bit of you,
Just as fresh as morning dew.

With a love that runs deep,
All I can do is weep,
You promised forever,
An empty endeavor.

A Short Elegy

2006-04-28T16:55:00.000+08:00

A Short Elegy

The heavy drops of rain do hit,
On the grave of my love I sit,
And a thousand tears I cry,
Till my insides are all dry.

Where are you now my Lord?
I thought I had your word,
You knew that we were meant to be,
Yet you took him away from me.

A thorn plants itself in my cold heart,
I hurt with every beat of my heart,
I yearn for every moment with him,
But there were too few moments with him.

I shudder as I kiss his cold lips,
I could feel my heart torn into bits,
As I lay him to eternal sleep,
My heart follows where he now lays deep.

I have not written anything like this for a long time. I was talking to Greg and was consoling him when I was writing this. It seems depressing doesn't it?

Who Lies Inside by Timothy Ireland

2006-04-24T23:22:00.000+08:00

I’d like to write on something “intellectual” for once instead of giving highlights of my day and crap like that. I sing praises for Dr Carmen because she gives us much to think of and she has really nice books which I doubt can be found in Malaysia due to dealing with controversial issues and this is a review on the book she lent to me. Who Lies Inside by Timothy Ireland. This book is distributed by The Gay Men Press and yeah, you should be able to guess by now what issues it’s dealing with.

This book is written in the first person point of view. Martin Conway was his name and to give a physical description, he is over six feet tall with pleasant features, would help you visualize how he would be. He is the captain of the rugby team and with such a big stature; he is one hard person to miss. According to him, “I stick out like a sore thumb.”

This book highlights the struggles he had in high school when all of a sudden; he became aware of his sexual preference. He felt excited when he saw an opponent he played against during a rugby match and he knew it wasn’t something natural. At least, not the way society would have it.

It was as if out of the corner of my eye I could see a stranger standing in the shadows and I was scared to look too closely in case I saw who it was. Worst of all, the stranger seemed to have wriggled under my skin, or had grown inside me all my eighteen years; only now for some reason that stranger was not content to stay in the shadows but wanted to step out into the light and be seen.

This was a good description of the different feeling he felt inside when he found himself attracted to Richard Ward, a fellow classmate. Richard is described as a slim guy, standing at 5’8 with blonde hair and grey eyes, and is a very handsome guy which a lot of girls seem to like. The story goes on to say how he had struggled to keep that stranger in him buried because he knew it was not how men should act. He grew up in a house where his father was an intimidating man that feels men showing their emotions are considered soft and improper.

The friends he mixes are “normal” guys with one in particular that keeps telling his group of friends of his recent sexual conquests. His best friend Steve was very close to him and Steve’s girlfriend, Linda, became the only close girl friend Martin ever had. Steve had given him the nickname, Jumbo, due to his size and his lack of agility which Martin hated but he did not say a word. He is a passive character and finds it hard to express how he feels. When he told Linda that he is in love with Richard, Linda was quick to tell him that maybe it’s just a crush that will come to pass and that Martin should not put much thought into it. Even if it was real, there will be a lot of hardships he will encounter and because of what Linda told him, he forced himself to ignore Richard and went out with Margaret.

Martin have not really had a proper conversation with Richard and the small scenario in Richard’s house scared Martin because of Richard’s openness and the feeling as if Richard knows but there were no words spoken. Martin even had sex with Margaret to prove to the others that he was a heterosexual man and there was nothing wrong with him but after the sex, he felt empty and dead. All he wanted to do was to hold the hands of the one he loves but that is impossible.

All these struggles he had to face, all the prejudicial views of society were written beautifully in the story. After everything that’s happened, he finally confessed to Richard, saying he was scared of what he felt for Richard and Richard said that there’s nothing to be afraid of. A happy ending for both Richard and Martin at a beach where they had to go to some isolated part of the beach to be able to hold hands and kiss.

The last part of the story had a beautiful sentence that Richard said and he could not have said it better.

“Does she know?”

“That I’m homosexual?”

Richard frowned, and then turned away.

“I don’t like that word,” he said. “It’s a term, a label. Don’t you think you’re more than that? Don’t you believe you’re a feeling person?”

“Of course.”

“Then there’s no need for labels, is there? We’re all people, Martin, whoever we fall in love with.”

There was silence.

“But if I’m in love with another man…” I began, awkwardly.

“Then that’s all you are. In love with a man. Love doesn’t stop you from being a person. It helps you be a better human being. No one is totally male, Martin, or totally female. We’re a mixture of both; a part of Mum and a part of Dad. Everyone is. Everyone has feelings towards someone of the same sex, whether it’s as a friend or as a lover. In some people these feelings are stronger, that’s all. A particular person might bring certain feelings out.”

This excerpt describes very well the way society sees people like them. Society makes them feel less human by attaching labels to them, calling them “queer, bent, gay” when all they ever did was to love someone and be open about it. If love between a woman and a man can be out in the open, why is it that love between a man and a man have to be kept in the dark? What makes their love so much more different than that of the love between a woman and a man? Who decides which love is correct and which love is wrong? Who decides that a man must only love a woman and never a man? Love is a feeling and it cannot be justified. If that is the case, then why is society justifying love?

Quote of the day: Love is the irresistable desire to be irresistibly desired. –Robert Frost-

bored

2006-04-24T14:39:00.000+08:00

BATMAN!!

CYCLOPS!!

SUPERMAN!!

All these with just one hankerchief. All creative credits go to me.. ahhahahaha.. yeap, I made a fool out of my nephew. Cute lil bugger ain't he?

2 more papers and it's freedom!! OooOhh... I simply love Dr Carmen "Critical Reading and Thinking". The subject is awesome and I scored full marks for both my written assignments so go figure!! She is anything BUT practicing favouritism. She does not do favouritism which is the best thing ever. She's honest and provokes some good thinking and I'm not saying that because I obtained full marks in the subject but because she's a really superb lecturer. The best ever!!

Can't wait for exams to be over. Saturday night, I'm looking forward to it but I'll be damn broke. >_<

Quote of the day: Happiness is what you make out of life.

bitchy rant.. -.-"

2006-04-19T23:51:00.001+08:00

So, I have been working eight days straight. It’s not a strenuous job but still there is bound to be a feeling of lethargy and such. As if that’s not enough, I had a skin reaction but the odd thing is that it is only on the palm of my hands. White bumpy spots beneath the skin and when aggravated, it itches like hell. It’s been almost one week and I have not really recovered from it. I can still see the bumps on my hand although the itch is not that severe anymore. I have no idea what the hell caused it to happen. Could have been the soap, could have been the bloody grease trap that I have been forced to do for about 6 days. Heck, my left thumb does not feel the same anymore. Scary if this does not go away. I’m a little worried; my palms are dry and rough. My job really does make my hand rough and dry especially since I’m not the type of girl that applies lotion and what not on my hands so yeah, I guess this goes to show that I’m not the type of girl that sits at home and does nothing.

The past week –it has dragged on to this week as well – I have been drifting in and out of sleep when I’m not working, bathing or eating. It is as if I find it hard to keep awake. I’ll just like drift to sleep for an hour or two, be conscious for about two hours or so and I’ll drift back to sleep. I wonder if I’m really that lethargic or something. It’s a study week but I have not studied at all during that week due to work every day and the whole drifting in and out of sleep. Even up to now, it’s nightmarish to revise for English Literature.

Don’t even get me started on how hard it is because if you think all I have to do is just read the work given in the paper and just write out what I think it means then you are damn stupid and ignorant. Nothing is ever easy. Don’t think that someone taking English as a degree is easy while someone taking a science related degree is hard. That is just biased and downright dumb. That’s right. If you’re one of those people who really think that way, you’re stupid and shallow. I’m going to rub it in your face because I’ve had enough of people who “look down” at students taking “art” related subjects instead of science related subjects.

If you think those taking engineering, medicine, biomedic and stuff like that are really clever; let them take our “easy” subject (a.k.a. subjects for stupid people whose brain cannot seem to differentiate between cerebellum and lymph nodes, calculus and statistics, paracetamol and amphetamine, etc.). I’d like to see how they can breeze through it since they are so smart and we’re so stupid. I’ve had it with all these bias views that I’m so sick of it I want to shout at them and let them have a taste of how bitter it can be.

I take pride in the course I chose. It cannot be denied that we use language everyday and this course is focusing on one particular language and how that language came to be, the usage and the structure of it. Without it, we might as well all be saying “blah blah blah” to each other. There is so much more to a language than what it seems at the surface. According to the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis, the world we live in is influenced by the language we use and not vice versa. Ha! If you do not read extensively, do you think you science people would know that? Heck, even I have to learn psycholinguistics which has got something to do with human brain and the parts of the brain that gives rise to language acquisition and such. Yes, I have to know the parts of brain as well so there you have it! English, easy? I think not!

Ok, on a less bitchy note, I was surprised that one of my junior from secondary school actually called me tonight and the weird thing was we weren’t very close in school but we did talk. We’re not the whole “you know my stuff, I know yours” kinda best buddies but we still get along just fine. So we were talking for fifteen minutes and he wanted to ask me to go to some business preview tomorrow night but I declined since “I’m not a sociable person” and yeah, I have papers the next day which is English Literature (*insert curse words here, please.). I was glad that we had this small talk. I rarely have people calling me on my phone and just talk. It seems that that’s not what phones are for and when I say phones I’m referring to cell phones since now, it’s more like a text messaging kinda world.

Quote of the day: Man is a fool, when something is hot he wants it cool, when something is cool he wants it hot, always wanting what is not.

bitchy rant.. -.-"

2006-04-19T23:51:00.000+08:00

study week

2006-04-11T14:12:00.000+08:00

It’s study week and I have not touched my books yet. Exams is exactly one week away with Semantics as the first paper. Maybe it’s due to the assignments we did for the lecturer that semantics sort of got stuck on my mind and that somehow put me a little at ease for I find there’s nothing much for me to read and that goes for most of the subjects except journalism and literature of course. I mean, critical reading and thinking is one subject that there’s nothing for you to read because after all, the questions that are coming out in the exam is for you to provoke your critical thinking and not your memorization which is what most if not all of us do when exams are coming.

How many papers or subjects do we have when the answers are not concrete? How many papers or subjects where the answers to the questions are subjective and differ from each person? How many? If my memory serves me right (which it usually doesn’t), I have not encountered such subjects. Heck, even literature also has a degree of flexibility to it because all the literary works are up to us to interpret although of course we cannot veer far away from the intended message of the author. All in all, semester two was a great semester with great lecturers and great subjects. Now I fear semester three when most subjects would be more theoretical than practical.

I have been working from last Saturday and will work up to this Saturday. That means eight days without an off day and what sucks is all my shifts are in the afternoon. The feeling of sitting for exams has yet to sink in and I do feel lethargic these days. Goong has been put on hold due to the subs being put on hold. Ichi Ritoru no Namida has been put on hold too due to the download not moving at all (curse clubbox when this happens!!). Anego has been put on hold due to the subs being put on hold. Bleach is ongoing and I’m just waiting for the next episodes to be out and currently I’m downloading the Jump Festa and the OVA so hopefully I’ll have something to watch. NANA (both the movie and the series) is nice. The anime is so much more funnier and cuter although I’m not too sure on Anna Tsuchiya’s voice for the singing voice of Nana Oosaki and her opening. Sounds weird and her Engrish is so “Oh-My-God”! of course, I don’t expect their pronunciation to be on top but OLIVIA who did the ending and also the singing voice for Seira seems to be doing a better job. Anyhow, I’m looking forward towards the anime. I’m listening to the Glamorous Sky single, the NANA movie with Mika Nakashima so obviously the singer is Mika Nakashima.

Motto of the day: Humans are always groping in the darkness from which they cannot escape.

2006-04-02T20:18:00.000+08:00

OH MY FAR KING GOD!! I dreamt of BEN!!! WTF?! *goes around running like crazy and finally faints after hyperventilation*

after eons

2006-03-31T19:09:00.000+08:00

BWAHAHAHAHAHA…. I’m done with assignments and all my presentation. Damn, I feel real liberated. I’m also pleased with my critical reading and thinking assignment marks. FULL MARKS!! Woot!! That’s the first time I got full marks in assignments, heck! Come to think of it, it’s been a really long time since I last got full marks in anything so yeah, I’m proud of myself. Shoot me but I’ll still be damn proud of myself. It seems that I’m a critical thinker after all. I was worried since all this while, we have been shaped to think inside the box (ie. Spoon-feeding) and to suddenly think outside the box this semester is somewhat refreshing and yeah, liberating. I’ve got one last assignment for this critical reading and thinking subject and hopefully my second assignment will be just as good since my oral presentation was bad coz I only got six out of ten but I was surprised I got such marks judging by the fact my presentation was so bad I feel like jumping out of the window. Presentation ain’t my thing. I’m more of the thinking audience rather than the one presenting outside to provoke thinking.

So, what else is new? Oh, Ice Age: The Meltdown was nice! I like Sid the sloth and the ending line by Manny the mammoth was priceless! Real entertaining so I suggest you guys go watch it soon. I have yet to watch V For Vendetta. It should be a nice movie but nobody to watch with me. Don’t know how clear the downloaded ones are though. Hmmm, maybe I should download it. Exams are coming and I’m damn worried over literature. Damn literary writers who can’t convey their message outright and had to go in damn big rounds and irrelevant words to get the “message” across. Sheesh! It’ll all be good if they were like Robert Browning’s “Porphyria’s Lover” or like Wilfred Owen’s war poems which were pretty straightforward. I’m worried over literature and next semester would be Malaysian literature, yay…!! -.-”

These days I’m just listening to Justin Lo and I gotta admit that I rarely listen to Hong Kong singers but he’s not half bad. His second album has got me grooving and love his ballads. A digression but I dreamt of LeeHom last night and damn the alarm clock for waking me up this morning for university. So yeah, a good dream down the drain.

*looks up* wow, what an intellectual post.

Quote of the day: Human life moves towards nothingness from which it came from.

pissed like shit!

2006-03-19T22:46:00.000+08:00

“Vous ne pouvez effectuer aucun travail, vous morceau de merde!”

My opening line of my journal entry after god knows how long. How do you like it? Right now, I am fucking pissed over the assignments I’m doing. Group assignments but always feel like a one man job. How am I supposed to handle this? It not only happened once but a few times already. How am I supposed to let them know that they can’t do things like this to me anymore? I have had enough, I am so god damn tired, so damn saturated from work and now I have to deal with problems like this? Why is it that I’m always cleaning up the mess so that it looks all sparkly and clean? Why is it that I’m the one covering up for all the mess?

I am so angry, so pissed, so taken for granted that right now, I’m in total silence. It’s scarier that way when I’m silent and no one knows what’s really going on in my mind. The anxiety, the worry, everything is going everywhere in my mind and it’s so unorganised. This is bad, bad up to the point where I’m actually drinking beer to cool myself down but I don’t think it’s working.

I AM NOT A BLOODY TEACHER SO DON’T EXPECT ME TO CORRECT ALL YOUR GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT SENTENCES! Why can’t they submit one that is grammatically correct? For Christ’s sake, they’re doing BA in English and they can’t even do a paper that has no grammatical error? If I just let it pass, how will that affect my image of a person that is quite grammatically correct when it comes to assignments? If I just let it pass, how will that affect the impression of the lecturer on us? If I just let it pass, how will that affect the grades? Can someone just tell me what the fuck should I do?

too friggin exhausted

2006-03-05T22:03:00.000+08:00

Wha?! Thinking? Semantics? Journalism? Wha?! *dies*

FUCK IT!

2006-02-23T21:59:00.000+08:00

Okay, I probably need to clear this up. I DID NOT fight with my parents at all. That previous entry was just a thought going through my head so you guys need not worry about me shouting at my parents or needing to sit down and talk to them. Everything is perfectly fine. I didn’t know that entry would spark off such concern, anyhow thanks for your concern.

Okay, right now I guess I’m just pissed? Angry? Misunderstood? I don’t know but I don’t like that feeling going through me right now. A feeling of discontent maybe. Right now, I just wanna say, “WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!” I may not be his source of depression so why the fuck is he picking on me? All I did was “*poke* just to see if you’re still alive or not” and he took it that I was playing with words and they were poisonous and shit like that. Just because you’re fucking sensitive doesn’t mean you think the whole world is going against you. Just because you’re diagnosed with depression doesn’t mean everybody must be super nice with you. Just because you’re like some manager or something doesn’t mean you have tones of work to do and can’t entertain me. What the fuck? You think I got nothing to do? SHIT man, I don’t need this.

Now that’s off my chest, one less person to “worry” about. Words are words. Words in a sentence will then sum up to mean something. There are different meanings attached to sentences and just by reading them; you may not know the intended meaning of the speaker. So before anyone just wants to read something and get into a whole “the world is fucking with me and I’m gonna fuck the whole world up” rampage, think twice. Nothing beats hearing that sentence from the speaker themselves instead of reading it because by hearing it or seeing them speak it face to face, you will then know what’s the intended meaning of it. Don’t think that just by reading something on a blog or sms, you’ll know every single thing the person means. Think whether you are thinking it only in one perspective or if that sentence can have another possible meaning to it. Don’t think that one sentence can only have one meaning because they don’t.

One more thing, “nega puminya?!” it means, “am I a fool?!” don’t take my feelings for granted. Don’t think everything you say is correct and everything I say is poison. Don’t think everything you say are innocent words and won’t hurt anyone while what I say is like murder. Don’t think you’re more superior than I am just because you’re working and have lots of things to think about while I am just studying and have nothing important to do or think about. That is just BULLSHIT. FUCK you people who are like that.

My prerogative? Bullshit!

2006-02-19T21:06:00.000+08:00

Does taking a subject “Critical Reading and Thinking” necessarily make you a critical thinker at the end of the subject? Does not taking that subject make you less a critical thinker? Does it mean that if you do not take that subject, you’re not a critical thinker? What is the point of taking that subject? To think of one subject in different perspective or just think of that subject differently from your other peers? If you are a critical thinker, does that make you more matured than the rest of your peers? If you’re not a critical thinker, does that make you less matured and more childish?

The one thing that parents should never EVER do is ALWAYS think that they know what is BEST for their children. Note the capital letters in the words where I place emphasis on them for being the important words in the statement. So, we are now young adults. Does being a young adult means we cannot rebel and that rebellion is only reserved for the teenagers? Do people always tend to over-generalise things? Do people always think that if one person is a responsible person as a young adult, does that mean that ALL young adults are responsible? If so, what about the young criminals we so often read and hear on the news? Do you think they have acted responsibly since they are young adults? Are young adults no longer allowed to make the mistakes of teenagers?

So what my room is so much messier than the rest of the house? Does it mean that I do it to spite my mom or it is an act of abuse of the freedom she gives? Parents always think that we as children should NEVER EVER question their opinions or statements. In other words, follow them blindly. Whatever they ask or say, do not question them, just do it. If that is the case, doesn’t that make us docile and in other words, we do not have a thinking of our own? Doesn’t that make us spoon-fed, the very thing they always say we should avoid? “Be more independent,” they say but their actions speak otherwise. They can protect us from one thing but they cannot do that forever. They always wish their children would grow up and learn but how do we do that if they are preventing us from taking a fall? Do we not learn from our mistakes? Do we not learn how to stand up again after taking a fall?

Do parents always think that just because we are their children, we inherit their way of thinking and habits 100%? Do they think we’re actually reproductive clones of them? Are they really unaware that we grow up by being moulded by the society and environment we live in? Do they actually think that they way things work in the 1950s will be exactly the same in the year we live now? Have they really stopped growing with time and we as children have exceeded that period they wish things were, like in the 1950s? How many times have we heard teenagers (oh, I’m sorry. I meant, *insert sarcastic tone* YOUNG ADULTS) complaining about how unreasonable their parents are? How many times have we complained how outdated our parents are? Come to think of it, at times I do agree that parents are just a pain in the ass. Please excuse the language.

I wonder, do parents want us to think and live the way they do (maybe with some minor changes here and there) so that they can see us living the way they always wanted to live but couldn’t due to some unforeseen circumstances? Are they moulding us into themselves? In Asian culture, children are not allowed to talk back to their parents, to voice out their opinions and bluntly object their parents’ opinions. It is seen as an act of rebellion. To put things simply, if we object them, we are rebelling. I think that is a load, a BIG load of BULLSHIT. Even though we think we are wrong and we are being berated for our so-called mistakes, we have to swallow our pride and opinions. What does that make us? Robots?

Frankly, sometimes I am so sick of all these and yet, what can I do? Sure, I can move out and live on my own without depending on them financially but as of now, that is not an option. Does not depending on them financially make us free from them? Is it because we are financially dependent on them that we have to follow their rules? So we do not really have total freedom is we are not financially free from them? Parents should WAKE UP and SEE that their children have their own personality and thinking and NOT try to mould or influence their children to be more like themselves (referring to parents) and get in the way of their children’s growing mentality.

Motto of the day: Parents should not force their thoughts on their children and claim that that’s their prerogative.

for him

2006-02-12T02:13:00.000+08:00

BWARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, had to get that off my chest. It’s been a hectic semester for me. I have double the amount of assignments compared to last semester. The lecturers are giving out assignments as if it’s flyers. So, there were some surprises here and there but nothing drastic. Found out who Andrew likes and I pity him. It’s hard for him.

Wow, I’m speechless. I don’t know what else to write. All of a sudden my mind went blank. It could be because I’m physically and mentally drained. I have to go to work in another 7 hours and I’m not in bed yet. I’m listening to Chet Baker now, feeling melancholy. That’s the effect of Jazz. Valentine’s coming and I’ve got some shopping to do.

With him in mind..

For The Last Time
To love someone you’re not supposed to,
To care for someone you’re not supposed to,
To be hurt by someone you love,
How does that feel deep inside?

What’s that gripping my heart?
What’s that feeling in me?
Is love actually a fallacy?
Sometimes I wish it is so.

You were so happy you met her,
You told me that it was fate,
You told me how much you love her,
But we both know it’s not meant to be.

I see your tear stained face,
I feel my heart ache as you cry,
You sat there forlornly,
As you watch her back disappear.

You crumble to the ground,
I kneeled to support you,
“Be strong, I’m here,”
That was what I said.

You tried to break free,
To tell her you love her,
For the last time in life,
That’s what you wanted to say.

another useless update

2006-02-03T22:06:00.000+08:00

These days I don’t seem to be in much mood to update my blog. Maybe it’s because there’s nothing drastic happening or I haven’t been thinking enough to write something remotely interesting to post.

I have been talking to EC lately and found out some interesting facts. According to her, I was the last push she needed to start watching Bleach and I’m glad I got another person into the wonder that is Bleach.

There are presentations and assignments waiting for me but it’s the Chinese New Year holiday for god’s sake! Why should we have to worry about stuff like those and not being able to enjoy the true essence of a Chinese New Year holiday which consists mostly of bumming, drinking, chatting and gambling? Oh, to top it off, I’m working during this one week holiday. So it also feels like, “Holiday??!! What holiday??!!”

As most of you already knew, I finally dyed my hair and it was actually pretty shocking the moment I stepped out of the salon into the sun because it was literally so bright, it looked orange-y and like a ball of fire. After a few washes, the colour became nicer and I’m glad I picked this colour. After the dye-ing, I felt as if my hair is too long and it wouldn’t stand the way it should when I apply styling products. One thing good is that I can actually go to work without applying anything to my hair and without it looking like an afro. I’ve also gotten used to having the long fringe in front instead of trying to part it like I used to. I need a haircut, should get it next week maybe.

Another depressing fact, Valentine’s Day is coming and it falls on the day when I have the most packed schedule ever with classes from 10am to 5.30pm. Oh well, it’s not like I expect anything to happen on that day although I do hope to get some greetings at least from them. Whatever it is, Valentine’s Day is just another ordinary day for me.

Motto of the day : A smart person knows he doesn’t know anything

tears for them

2006-01-20T00:21:00.000+08:00

I had a tiring day today. Right after class, I rushed for work and came back at almost 8 pm. I had my dinner then and I started on my drama marathon. Right now, hooked onto a Taiwanese drama called “Devil Beside Me”. A kinda cute drama (obviously you can’t expect a top notch performance by the cast since it’s after all an idol drama) that was based on a manga. I have yet to find out the title of the manga though.

Two days ago, my car was stuck in a night market at 5.30pm. It was a harrowing experience of driving the car out of the sea of people where it’s cramped both sides. I swear to god, I almost thought I’d never get out of there. Thank god I had my university mates with me at that time.

Yesterday was the partner meeting at Starbucks where Mohin and Lam gave their last speech in the partner meeting. Naturally when Lam decided to give his speech, all of us girls started crying and we knew Lam was also about to cry too but he held back. When the meeting ended, Mas went to the back and hugged Lam goodbye and she burst into uncontrollable tears which then caused Andrew and I to cry. Today, he wrote a message in our partner comm book and when I read it, I felt like crying again. As I’m writing this now, I feel the tears well up in my eyes. It’s easy for other people to tell me to accept this but when you have put so much emotion into the relationship with both of them; it’s harder done than said.

Today was the last day I ever worked with Lam. I’m gonna miss him madly although he pisses us off everyday but I will miss him so much. I will miss Mohin and Lam so much, there won’t be anyone singing “My Humps” anymore, no one torturing Meg so much we laugh together, no one dancing a stupid move because we did something well. All of these would be gone. All the fun moments, all gone. The atmosphere in the store would be different. It doesn’t help that I’m listening to Gackt’s “kimi ni aitakute” now which translates to “I want to see you again”. The tears wouldn’t stop. Mohin thought I was the strong one and when he saw me cry yesterday, I think it was the first time for him to see me apparently so weak. No one can ever be strong all the time.

Motto of the day: Tears, the hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water power.

vodka coke

2006-01-12T23:25:00.000+08:00

A mug of Coca-Cola with Vodka Kurrant is placed on the table and I soon set my mind to work on this vocabulary “journal” the lecturer has set us to work on. She says to find a word at least a day that we don’t know the meaning of and to find the meaning in the dictionary and construct a sentence based on our personal experience so that we don’t like copy the sentences given as examples in the dictionary. Then I wonder, what if that day itself when we read, we do not find any words we do not know the meaning to? Does that mean we have to “come up” with a word we don’t know just for the sake of completing the journal? She said that if there are any missing days without a “word of the day”, we will not be getting the full 5% we deserve. Isn’t this a little impractical? The ironic thing is, so far there are 2 words that I found while watching a Japanese drama and the words were found in the subtitles. So, who says you don’t learn anything watching drama?

After gulping down the Vodka Coke, I’m left with nothing much to do now but wait for fatigue to take over me. My back is aching a little and I could feel my eyes are tired but I’m still up. Right now, I’m just relaxing to the instrumental version of one of the songs in My Name Is Kim Sam Soon OST.

Finally, Bleach has ended the first arc and I’m very excited to start on the next arc next week. Abarai Renji will be coming to the human world and god; I love his red hair and black tribal tattoos. One cool and funny dude. Oh, I also finally managed to watch episode 7 of Anego after waiting so long for the subtitles. What else? Gee, it seems as if my life is pretty boring and lifeless. Oh well, might as well enjoy it before the assignment/exam frenzy starts.

Motto of the day : When a guy breaks up with you, don't ask why. Just hit and run.

feeling sick..

2006-01-09T21:57:00.000+08:00

*sneezes* damn, I feel sick. -.- I have been sneezing the whole day, my nose is partially blocked and I can’t taste my dinner. Bummer!

On a lighter note, I was smiling and giggling like a fangirl when my mail came in today. LEEHOM’S ALBUM IS FINALLY IN MY HANDS!! Muahahahaha…. See how perky I can get? It’s almost a crime but yeah, I’m listening to it now. In fact, I’m listening to “Heroes Of The World” by Wang Lee Hom featuring Jin (yes, Jin the Chinese rapper that made it big in USA). Kinda catchy and Kiss Goodbye is the best ballad in the album.

What else? Oh, sent him an email telling him how I felt and hopefully he’ll tell me how he’s been feeling because I think I ticked him off and he hasn’t been giving me any responses. This kinda thing bugs me and I need to know if he’s angry at me or not. I was driving in the car, listening to Gavin Degraw songs and I felt the overwhelming sensation of sadness and memories. I lost concentration for a split second but I told myself these kinda things shouldn’t be in my head.

“Kiss Goodbye” is playing now and I guess right now I’m in a sappy mood. I found out Lam and Mohin are leaving CLM and I feel sad, depressed and all that shit. If they leave, what’s going to happen to the store? They’re the reason why the place was fun and crazy and now that they’re leaving, where would the fun be? How many times does CLM need to undergo management turnover? It’s been about 9 months since we operated and I have seen the changes in the management team.

Opening team
Store Manager: Simon Bernard
Assistant Manager : Martin Thong
Supervisor : Hefni

After a few months,
Store Manager : Simon Bernard
Supervisor : Hefni
Lam
Andrew

After a few more months,
Store Manager : Mohindran
Supervisor : Lam
Andrew

And now, Mohin and Lam are leaving and according to Andrew, Martin is going to come back as Store Manager and my response to that is, “I DON’T WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!” and yes, they are in upper case because most of us do not like Martin Thong (nicknamed tong sampah). Curses to whoever that’s shifting them around. As if we are not attached to them or something. Bloody hell!

Motto of the day : Life is like Bonbon au chocolat

crap and more crap!

2006-01-04T19:49:00.000+08:00

So, the new semester has started. It’s now back to university, shoving books up my face and studying my ass off for examinations what with this semester packed with 6 subjects. They certainly are pushing us real hard this semester with the 6 subjects, one of them being Literature (OMG!). Oh yeah, the July intake batch seems to be a pretty talented bunch and I get the feeling that they’re very … *searches for word in Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary* … confident. That’s the word! Damn, my brain has rested far too long.

These days I have been going on a diet. Hopefully for me it’s a low carb diet because there was one day where I only had 2 eggs in the morning, a cup of milo in the afternoon and it lasted me one whole day right till I took my dinner which consisted about half a bowl of rice. Today, I survived on two pieces of bread in the morning, a chocolate milkshake in the afternoon (and I became a lil greedy and had a Tall, single pump vanilla syrup, Caramel Macchiato to which I forgot to tell them low-fat milk so I drank full cream and felt a little sinful) and it lasted till dinner time. Su was at the cashier in Starbucks Midvalley and she asked me, “What happen to you? Thinner already!” I was like, “Erm, nothing happened. I didn’t feel it.” Esther has also told me that I was skinnier already. I don’t know how true it is because only 2 people said that to me but I do hope that meant the fat in my face is finally in the process of being shed off.

Don’t worry, I’m not anorexic. It’s just that I have come to realize that all this while, I have been eating because I’m obliged to eat as in it’s the time to eat and not because I was hungry. Do you know what I mean? It’s like “it’s one o’clock, oooh.. It’s lunchtime, I should eat!” and not because, “damn, I’m hungry. I should eat!” This has become the reason I put on weight unconsciously and also the gluttony of eating just because it smells nice. Right now, I’m just sticking to the rules of “eating only when I feel hungry”. I don’t know how heavy I am now because it seems that the weighing machine has been banned from my house. I hope to lose about 5 kg and hopefully by then, my face would be slightly thinner like in secondary school. I was a little bit insulted when people commented on my chubby cheeks and I guess maybe that was the reason why I stuck to this “diet”. I did try this diet last time but my willpower was not great enough but now, I believe my willpower is better.

That day when I went out with Wei Siang to Midvalley (after failing to meet up with Lina) for lunch at Kenny Roger’s, I was surprised to find myself ordering Caesar Salad instead of a quarter meal or something. It kept me full until the next day so technically, that day I only had one meal. By six p.m. he was already hungry so we headed to Wong Kok, Leisure Mall where he had Iced Tea in HongKong style and Peanut Butter and Ice Cream Thick Toast while I had a cup of hot chocolate. He offered me some but I didn’t feel hungry. It was sinful indulgence for me, what with the little whipped cream adorning the ice cream. After that, Starbucks was next on our list and we shared a Venti, double shot, Caramel Affogato. Basically, that day was mostly liquid for me and I didn’t get hungry at all, in fact I felt pretty full. Maybe because it was all chocolate and cream based and stuff.

Insomnia has settled in lately, sometimes I didn’t get any sleep because I was aware of the surroundings. It became like a 3 hour nap instead and then I was up. It’s like after the New Year outing with him, I reached home at almost 4am but managed to stay up all the way up to 6 am because I was reading Dan Brown’s “Deception Point”. I wonder why is it that I get insomnia these days. I wonder what’s causing this.

Motto of the day: what does not go to waste, goes to waist!

start of a brand new year!

2006-01-01T20:21:00.000+08:00

Nice start to a brand new year. I spent the night and early morning with Wei Siang on New Year’s eve. I was surprised to see him at Starbucks the other day after like 8 years of not seeing him. He called my full name and I looked at him blankly, taking a few seconds to register the somewhat familiar face in front of me before finally saying out his name. After this encounter, we seem to be sharing a fair peace of time together, watching movie and him trying to coax me to go out for drinking tea session and all. After my constant denial, he was still amused when I was sniffing while watching King Kong with him although I swear to god I wasn’t crying, it’s just that it was cold in there and I had to clear my nose. No, seriously… I wasn’t crying.

He had changed and I am pretty impressed at where he is now in life. I mean, not many people can achieve what he achieved at such a young age. He’s got a nice sense of style too. Then again, he’s far too thin. He needs to build up a little. So, we went to 1 Utama for New Year’s Eve to catch a movie and just as we walked out of the cinema, we were just in time to see the fireworks go up right at the carpark. The place where they lit the fireworks was about a few metres away, maybe 100 meters away? I don’t know. It was pretty impressive, the fireworks I meant. After that, we got caught a little in the jam and then headed to Mont Kiara for some Starbucks coffee. He always orders the same thing, Green Tea Frappuccino. Seems that he likes drinking grass and according to him, he’s like a cow (born in the year of the ox) so he likes drinking grass. *winces* I hate Green Tea Frappucino. So yeah, reached home at almost 4 am but it was enjoyable, spending time with him and just catching up on old times.

So, here’s to a good start in the year 2006. May it be a better year for me and for everyone else. Somehow, I feel this year is gonna be an okay year for me. I’ve got my head and mind cleared of all the problems plaguing me in 2005 and hopefully I’ll grow to learn more about life and be stronger than ever. I wish you guys would be healthy, happy and above all succeed in the things that you do. Best of luck! Motto of the day is pretty familiar stuff to me and I smirked remembering the word Karma.

Motto of the day : do not do unto others what you do not wish others to do unto you. It’s Karma.

update after what seemed like ages..

2005-12-23T20:29:00.000+08:00

My my, I haven’t been updating for quite some time right? I guess I was just too immersed in the hotness and prettiness that is the JE (acronym for Johnny’s Entertainment, not Japanese Encephalitis) boys. What can I say? They’re sexy, they’re hot and they’re cute. They’re a blend of all three. I really love Jun Matsumoto, Kamenashi Kazuya and Jin Akanishi. Hey, I bet you can tell by my MSN display pic that says unabashedly, “Kame is the SEX”. I was watching so many dramas and movies with them in it, immersing myself deeper and maybe that’s where the daydreams come and stuff.

Ok, I finally turned 20 on Tuesday against my will. Before spending the day with Lina and Fei Kee, I went to my workplace and it was so sweet of Francesca, Meg and Andrew to have got me something for my birthday. A pair of earrings and a matching necklace. The pendant was a bit small but nonetheless elegant. I am wearing the earrings now. Then I got a surprise, Andrew actually baked me a cake! It was a small one (according to him, he used only one quarter of the recipe) and it was Beetroot cake to which I was feeling a little skeptical towards the taste but it wasn’t as bad as it sounded. Kinda like fruitcake. Wow, first time I ate a cake baked by a guy. It was heartwarming. The detailed accounts of the day can be found on Lina’s LJ for I don’t feel like repeating the same thing here again. Birthday with friends is always a nice thing and the catching up at Starbucks was real nice. It’s been a while since we sat down and talk about this kinda stuff anyway. The only thing missing was Sau Har for I have not seen her in what seems like ages. Oh, before I forget thank you for those who wished me a happy birthday via sms, phone call or through the web like leaving messages on my chatterbox. Thanks!

So, Christmas is around the corner which means New Year is around the corner which means I have to go back to university soon. *throws a tantrum* I don’t want to go back to university, I wanna continue having holidays and just work without worrying about them worrisome exams. *pout* my holidays, they all pass by so quickly!

I hope I’ll be able to meet up with my college mates next week. Maybe to watch a movie or something because it has been some time since I last saw them. I missed them loads. Other than that, there’s nothing much to talk about. Oh, I’m still munching on Lina’s cookies. Lam asked me to cart away a carton of McVities Digestive Cookies which I’m more than willing to oblige but we’ll see if I really have to take them. This also means, we’ll all never go hungry again in the store, the cookies are addictive. I don’t know about the others but I’m in love with it. It’s a little expensive to buy for they are imported from UK.

Just in case for those who do not know, my sister in law gave birth to a baby boy exactly one week before my birthday.

Motto of the day : You don’t believe something because it’s not the truth but when you do believe something, it becomes the truth.

pictures from last night!

2005-12-08T12:57:00.000+08:00

Bervie and Fran doing some grinding with Meg watching in the background.

Bervie and Meg together enjoying themselves.

Bervie, Fran, Andrew, Ken, Mohin (a lil camouflaged), resident hot chick JoAnn and Meg.

Store Manager, Mohin and Frankie.

Mohin, Frankie, Meg, Andrew (in the background) and Fran.

I caught them doing some really stupid dance.

PRO-BARISTA of Midvalley, SU.

Frankie, Su, Mohin and Eric (new barista of Midvalley, he was already drunk when us SBux LM arrived.)

The two precious single baristas of SBux LM, Bervie and Ken (new partner for SBux LM, at a tender age too.)

massive drool ahead!

2005-12-07T01:14:00.000+08:00

OH . MY . GOD . I can’t believe I’m actually listening to Celine Dion but the plus point is this particular song I’m listening to is a duet between her and Frank Sinatra who I adore. It’s a nice song. “All The Way” is the title for anyone who is interested.

Now, I come back home anticipating my jdoramas to finish downloading. I’m really into “Kimi Wa Petto” now because of Jun Matsumoto and sweet jesus, he is so cute in there. Oguri Shun is another favourite and I watched “The Neighbour No. 13” which he starred in and I was grossed out and the ending made me go, “huh?! Wtf?!” both Jun Matsumoto and Oguri Shun are the reasons why I’m following HYD diligently. By the way, HYD is an acronym for Hana Yori Dango. I have got to follow Nobuta too for Kame and YamaP, adorable! Oh man, looks like I’m bitten by the cute looks of Johnny Entertainment boys. Oguri Shun is a model however so he does not have any liaison with JE. I forgot how entertaining jdoramas are now that the market is saturated with interesting dramas. Korean dramas are beginning to be a bore with their over-dramatic sad love stories that are way too sluggish. They either have amnesia or have terminal illnesses. Seriously, those storyline are so cliché! My Name Is Kim Sam Soon however is a VERY recommended Korean drama for it is both hilarious and at a good pace. It’s the Bridget Jones of Korea so check it out.

Clubbox has been a lil of a bitch lately with sluggish download rates but I can’t complain because it is how I am getting my daily dose of cute guys and interesting storylines. I wonder what happened to Bleach though. My favourite anime and it’s not being updated. I wonder why.

Another 2 more weeks. It’s like a deadline or rather, like an expiry date. Scary in a sense.

1st December is a memorable date. *smiles*

countdown ends.

2005-11-30T21:25:00.000+08:00

Countdown is over. Question is, to do or not to do? Then again, I just might. I might as well get it all over with. Then, another problem arises but I guess that can be solved.

I declare myself a Soulseek fan now. Thanks to it, I got so many songs. Full albums of Marilyn Manson, woo hoo! All of a sudden, I’m turning a little hardcore. I wonder why. Dramas are also downloading smoothly and right now, I’m as contented as can be. I am also currently downloading some songs for Lina’s bro. The whole list of songs was done in a day. That’s the power of high upload speed from Soulseek users.

Let’s see… oh, I went with Mohin today to get a Christmas tree for Starbucks and for that small tree standing at about 5 feet, we paid RM30 which was pretty cheap for a tree. Can’t wait for it to be all decorated and lighted up. We’re also gonna wear those red Santa hats thingy for Christmas too.

It has been raining for the past few days and right now, I’m feeling real cold. Physically cold and mentally numb from lack of sleep. Feeling bored and I’m sure I have that blur look stamped on my face. It was EOM today so there was a lot of stock counting and such. Tomorrow is the first day of the last month of the year. Like Greg, I can’t wait for this year to be over. This year was a bad year and I hope next year would be much better with the absence of negativity.

Right now, my heart goes out to Ichiro who has suffered a great loss. It is sad to see how he is still battling his feelings and memories of her while she has moved on so fast as if nothing really mattered to her. Do I feel hostility towards her? I don’t know, I guess I feel neutral. Why? After one year plus, relationships end. Why? How? If you’re reading this Ichiro, I hope you pull yourself together and try to forget. Hard as it may seem but I know it’s possible. I’m around, sms me if you can’t reach me on msn. It’s never nice to go through this alone. *HUGZ*

Ok… another 20 more days to spend my last days as a nineteen year old. Damn.

Motto of the day : Enjoy your teenage life and screw negativity!

thoughts..

2005-11-25T21:23:00.000+08:00

This month doesn’t seem to be a good month for anyone. I keep hearing stories of my friends breaking up, friends having problems with their loved ones and I wonder if it’s the rain that’s making everyone feel down and moody. Funny how most of them happened after being one year plus in the relationship, saying feelings are fading or the feelings are no longer there. It’s actually scary how after one year plus, feelings tend to just fade away and the next thing you know, the feeling is no longer there and the reason why you’re still holding onto that relationship is because of obligation and perhaps guilt.

I am worried for Bervie who had a bad thing happened to him and Celia. He’s sinking into depression, buying up all our cashewnut chocolate chip cookies, blueberry cheesecake from secret recipe and just sitting there alone, eating the cake. He said the cake was tasteless. It was his first love and I know first love is usually the hardest to get over because you’ve never experienced anything like this before. It’s just that he used to be so happy and now, seeing him floating in and out of space I feel sympathetic. There is nothing I can do and she seems determined to forget this relationship.

The hormones in our body made us feel the emotions we feel when we’re in love. The exhilaration, the seemingly numb senses and after one or two years, the hormones “die” and then all those emotions die with it and to think that it actually applies to my friends out there is plain scary. Does it really happen? When the hormones die, the feelings fade into oblivion? Then I wonder what about those people who have been together for more than 30 years? Do the feelings die or has it become like a responsibility? A feeling of contentment?

Well, for me not only has this month been a bad month for me, the entire year was a bad year for me. So many things happened to me, so much anger and bitterness I felt. The betrayal, the tears, it all happened this year and trust were gone. I became distant, in fact I feel distant from everything. My friends, my family and I wonder if I’m beginning to distant from myself. It doesn’t help that I cut my finger again with the La Marzoco and a piece of skin is hanging from the wound. The blood was dripping over the counter and there was that funny sensation you get when you can feel your skin separating from each other.

Have my feelings gone numb like how I don’t feel that much when I cut my finger again? Are feelings really that fragile? Is there no way to prevent oneself from getting hurt? Do the years spent together not mean anything once the feelings are gone? Do the years spent together not mean anything when something new appears? Does it mean that the years spent together do not guarantee anything? Have I really become that cold that I do not need a guy to make me feel whole? Is it weird when I tell people without a boyfriend I will not die? Is it weird when people find out that I can actually survive without having a boyfriend to depend on?

Is it the mindset of Asian men that they must protect their Asian women as if they fragile? Is it the mindset of Asian men to not be able to accept a girlfriend that can stand on their own two feet without depending on them? Is it the mindset of Asian men that they feel useless and have low self esteem if their girlfriend does not depend on them to buy stuff? Is it the mindset of Asian men to feel small if their girlfriend has a good career? Does it all have to do with the mindset of Asian men? Is it because of their mindset that they tend to cling onto their girlfriends, afraid that their girlfriend will leave them someday? Is it really mean and cruel for a girl if she is determined to break off a relationship and not cry over it? Does it mean that she’s heartless and emotionless? Is it like a norm for a girl to bawl her eyes out, starve herself (or pig out) and sink into depression when a relationship ends while the guy appears unscathed?

What happens then when a relationship turns out this way? Do they still become friends? Do they become enemies? Should they feel bitter, angry, and sad? Should they feel as if the world will end and nothing will seem right again? Will they feel as if food lost its taste and the world seems colourless? Will that be considered as something extreme and ridiculous? Who would know except those who’ve experienced the same thing or the one experiencing it now? Who would actually understand? Different thinking, different perspective, therefore no one will understand each other. To me, life still goes on even though a relationship comes to an end. If the feelings are no longer there, it is unfair to keep the relationship going on because you feel responsible or guilty. Wouldn’t that be unfair to the other partner? As painful as it is, life still goes one and the world does not revolve around that single person only. Of course, first love is hard to forget but that will teach you something that will improve your future relationships. Some people say the old things are always the best ones. Some people tell me that their first love or their first girlfriend was the best and after they break up with the current one, they will go and find the old ones again. How true is it? Then again, I do not know.

Motto of the day: The world does not revolve around one person or only a few people.

Selfish..

2005-11-17T14:56:00.000+08:00

“Friends are people who would sacrifice anything for you. Hey friends, can you sacrifice your life to make me happy?”

This was one quote I found on my friends MSN nick. I find that a selfish action, one that I feel so disgusted to actually be acquainted with him. What gives him the right to think that we are supposed to sacrifice our life to make him happy? What makes him think that we should sacrifice our own happiness so that he can be happy? Are we not entitled to our own happiness? Who would be so stupid to live in misery and suffering just so he can be happy? Should he not fight for his own happiness instead of us giving it to him? Should he not be sacrificing his own life or something so that he can be happy? What a stupid quote to say.

There is a limit on how much a friend can do. Once we’re past that limit, the rest is all up to you to decide and do. Imagine if you wanted something or someone so badly, you didn’t do anything much while your friends did so many things, sacrificing their time and energy so that you could finally have it. I think that then, your friends deserve that something or someone so much more than you who have just sat there and done nothing. These days, the more I see him online with those stupid quotes or just the mere sight of him online gets me irritated and annoyed. I am glad I am rid of him early before things got out of hand.

On another note, there is nothing much happening with me except I have been on a drama watching spree. I have been chasing three dramas, Hana Yori Dango (Japanese version), Nobuta wo Produce (Japanese drama) and My Name Is Kim Sam Soon (Korean drama). Not forgetting my animes, Bleach and Blood+. After work, I’ll come back looking forward to watching my dramas until early morning before going to bed. There were 2 days when I seem to be working back to back with only 6 hours of sleep and the rest of the 18 hours spent at work. I felt tired and irritated easily.

I have not seen Lina online for quite some time already. I know that she is STILL PMS-ing, the poor girl. That’s the worst that could ever happen. Worrying over something that you don’t know when will appear and hit you in the face. There are things to talk about with you so online one of these days ok? Feeling a little detached from work as well but I’m saving real hard and trying real hard to not spend so much so that I can reach my ultimate goal. One more month, I’ll get it. I hope I won’t regret it.

depression and song

2005-11-10T23:28:00.000+08:00

It was a fair morning yet I went to work feeling a little depressed. Lack of customers in the morning made me sit still and thoughts started finding their way to my mind. A tear found its way to my eyes and I quickly wiped them away when Andrew came and stood next to me. Thanks to him I forgot about everything else because he started making lame jokes.

Night approached and I sit in front of the computer chatting with Lina. It all came back again. This time, I didn’t bother to stop the tears from falling. With the tears falling and drying off, will the memories do the same? Fall and disappear? Will they choose to stay etched deeply in my mind and heart? Are the memories that great? Maybe. Is it because there are no new memories to take up the space of the old ones, that’s why it wouldn’t go away?

The memories together were precious, the time spent was timeless, the wounds inflicted too deep. Has my mellowed down personality had to do with me feeling this way? Have the walls I built to protect myself finally crumbled down? Here I am feeling weak and vulnerable and all I could think about is Andrew’s strong embrace. One that I can feel protected and secured in. One that can make me pour everything out and feel better again. I need to curl up in a ball and let everything out.

eric lim

2005-11-08T21:06:00.000+08:00

This is the translation I did for Eric Lim's "Yuan Lai Wo Zui Ai De Ren Shi Ni Bu Shi Ta". I'm a sucker for ballads and coupled with the piano's intro, that's it! This song is nice, kinda reminds me of David Tao. this is not really the literal translation of the song because you guys know that I'm a "banana". I don't really understand chinese but i tried using my understanding and put it in English. I also went with the feel of the lyrics and the song so it may vary from the actual meaning of the song. I do hope my translation of the song did the song some justice. Sorry Eric if i ruined the song! Keep up the good work!

"The One I Love Most Is You And Not Her"
When you left that time,
You left without a reason,
My heart hurts a little.

If I can turn back time,
I want to hold your hand,
And not let you go.

Suddenly I saw our pictures,
Leave everything behind,
Return to my side.

The one I love most is you and not her,
My heart’s regrets and worries,
I hope to let you understand,
The one I love most is you and not her,
The memories I have of you,
I can’t see them anymore,
How do you explain love?

Suddenly I saw our pictures,
Leave everything behind,
Return to my side.

The one I love most is you and not her,
My heart’s regrets and worries,
I hope to let you understand,
The one I love most is you and not her,
The memories I have of you,
I can’t see them anymore,
How do you explain love?

I always thought time can make everything go away,
Never thought of going back to the past,
If our love has not reached its peak,
I just want to be near you,
I never want to let you go.

The one I love most is you and not her,
My heart’s regrets and worries,
I hope to let you understand,
The one I love most is you and not her,
The memories I have of you,
I can’t see them anymore,
How do you explain love?

vids and such..

2005-11-08T11:46:00.000+08:00

classic! ^_^

porno wars

View more video clips at Yashi

Sudoku & piercing

2005-11-04T23:12:00.000+08:00

Nothing much happened these days. With the exception of my dad, the whole household is so into Sudoku right now so much so they actually downloaded Sudoku online and installed it into my pc. I did a few and it’s brain-wrecking for me. Maybe I am tired physically and mentally due to working long hours for 3 days straight during a busy holiday season.

Well, Francesca got her tongue pierced and it does look like it hurts even though she says it doesn’t really hurt. I mean, because of this she has to abstain from solid food so for now, she is on a liquid diet. That means, only soup and water, not even porridge because the bits and pieces might get stuck somewhere and her tongue is swelling. It’s an uncomfortable thing that’s for sure. So, I have decided to follow her diet although not exactly because I still eat solid food. I skip breakfast and take only a cookie and milk for lunch. I have cut down on carbs as well and hope to adopt this diet for as long as possible. Hopefully there will be results. Now she talks funny, as if she has a short tongue. In fact, she told me as if her tongue is shorter now that she pierced it. I told her, maybe it’s because she doesn’t dare to extend the tip of her tongue due to fear of it hurting. Whatever it is, piercing the tongue and the first few days or weeks is nasty shit.

Wow, my brain is so numb I don’t even know what to write. I spaced out for some minutes. Well then, will stop for now. My brain is shutting down.

life, screw it!

2005-10-29T23:06:00.000+08:00

The results of my examination are out. I failed to reach my own expectations and that got me feeling down. It’s probably not a valid excuse or something but now that I’ve got all distractions cleared, I hope next semester I will do better and attain the GPA that I want. Greg and Lina have both been very supportive. Thanks for having 100% confidence in me. I will keep that in mind whenever I feel I cannot go on.

I have been pretty absorbed with work lately. I feel as if life doesn’t mean much but work. I did some talking with my neighbour which is about 40+ years old. She said I am still young so there is no need to go around looking for boyfriends just because my other friends have them. I agree and I told her that now I don’t even have time for myself (what with juggling both studies and work at the same time), how can I have time for him? She has seen me grow up and she said she knew that I’m the independent type and the outspoken type. She says, maybe girls like me cannot find the right Asian men because they tend to stay away from girls like this. Maybe they are afraid that the girls are smarter and can survive without them and they prefer to go for those gentle and weak types where if you hold them any harder, they’ll crumble. She said, girls like me usually go for Western guys because the Western guys are more open and accepting. I don’t know how far this is true but maybe she’s right.

Life ain’t easy. If working full time is such a torture, try doing both studies and work at the same time. It’s not as if me working part time means I put less effort into work than those who work full time because I believe in giving my best in whatever I do, both work and studies. So those who think students like me who work and study at the same time are more worthless than those who work full time, they are full of shit. That’s what I think.

Motto of the day: Nobody’s a virgin because life screws everyone.

I Can't Get Used To It

2005-10-26T22:35:00.000+08:00

I just finished watching Bi’s “It’s A Rainy Day” concert. There was a song from his first album titled ‘Iksuchi Anhaso’ which is translated as “I Can’t Get Used To It”. He sang it and broke into tears. When I heard it, even though I do not understand it I know that it is a sad song and the melody is beautiful, coupled with his deep silky vocals.

The lyrics touched my heart and it all seemed so familiar. It was after I knew what the lyrics meant that I feel the very sadness of the song. It’s the one Korean song I listen to that will make me cry. It’s beautiful. Here is the translation of the song:

I Can't Get Used To It

Today I met you by chance
That person who I had heard about was there with you
I was so surprised because there was a smile on your face
A smile that had never been there when you were with me
I guess I seemed pathetic to you, so lonely and sad
There were tears in my eyes
So you asked me why I was crying, why I was hurting so much
I tried to lie to you
But when I saw you looking at me I couldn't help myself
All the words that were in my heart spilled out

* CHORUS *
Going to bed alone, waking up alone
Eating meals alone, I can't get used to that
Liking something alone, feeling sad alone
I can't get used to that, I can't get used to it

Why can't I forget you?
Even now if I think of you tears fill my eyes
Enough time has passed for me to forget about you
So why can't I forget you even after all this time?
There was a time before we met when I lived alone
I say to myself that I'll try to go back to that time
But then all I see is the empty space that you have left

Ipod Nano

2005-10-17T20:06:00.000+08:00

I just found something that is real fucked up. It’s about the device most people are drooling over, Ipod Nano.

The price of a 2GB Ipod Nano at the Apple Malaysia website : RM969

The price of a 4GB Ipod Nano at the Apple Singapore online store : $438

When converted to Malaysian Ringgit based on current conversion rates is about RM980.

Let’s take a moment to absorb the facts above. Ok, how fucked up is that? It seems Ipod is classified as a music equipment (when in fact Apple has classified Ipod as computer related items which are tax free here but customs thought otherwise) and is slapped with a whopping 21% tax. Someone tell me, isn’t it better if we all get the Ipod Nano at Singapore?

clubbin

2005-10-16T22:50:00.000+08:00

That Thursday night (or should I say early Friday morning?) was the first time I went clubbing with Fran, Meg and Lam. We went to Zouk to meet up with Ben, Jo Ann and their friends. Both Lam and I saw our partners’ true colours at last. Oh my god, Fran and Meg was dancing, getting their freak on and yeah, turning Lam on too. It was a different experience. I didn’t really dance because I can’t dance for shit so I just drank whiskey and beer. Got a lil high but that was it. I don’t get drunk that easily. There were some unpleasant things that happened but I’m not gonna say anything about it. Screw it.

Right now, my working place is my life. Funny how sometimes friends you know for a few months turn out to be one of your good friends instead of those you knew for quite some time. It’s the chemistry. You might know your friends for a long time but if you don’t click means you don’t click. There’s no forcing it. Whenever I have problems, I like to go to Frankie for advice because even though he’s only 2 years older than I am but he is far more experienced than the people out there. He gives useful advice and they work so I listen to him and I learn from my past experience.

So instead of harbouring negativity over what is past and worthless, it’s time to forget everything and focus what’s in the present and what’s to be in future. After all, no man progresses if they only live in the past. Moreover, with everything that has happened, I’ve never been better. This is the liberation I needed and I have got it. The chapter of the past 19 years comes to a close and with everything in it I bury them and forget. Now, let the new chapter begin.

Motto of the day: no one needs shitty people.

Siapa Yang Termakan Cili, Dia Yang Terasa

2005-10-11T11:45:00.000+08:00

Really, sometimes I feel suppressed. It’s like every single thing I write here I gotta think it through, if the things I write here hurt someone or another. I write my entries without names and yet I was accused of writing about someone else. For this matter, it’s time for me to start writing with names in order to avoid more confusion.

Madeleine,
Look, if you really did try to patch things up, maybe sometimes you gotta realize that there are things that are beyond mending, beyond repair. All of us have been put in a compromising position and there is bound to be hurt for all sides. Maybe you guys thought I was still reading your blogs but in fact, I have stopped for a long time. I have not read blogs for some time and if there were peacemaking efforts there, I wouldn’t know it. I don’t know what triggered this fiasco that happened but I have already since stopped writing anything about the two of you. Ever since the first fiasco happened, I have ceased to even bother about anything as what my mum advised me to. It’s just that I’m not in a position to say anything or do anything. That is why I have chosen to ignore everything. From there on, everything I said had nothing to do with you guys. I have other friends who have the same problems; I have experienced this same similar problems with other friends. Friends that both of you do not know. I have no idea why do you feel everything I say on my blog is always about you guys. Not to be cruel but my world doesn’t revolve around you guys only. I have other friends too mind you but I gotta say, this time it is the first time things got so ugly between friends.

Did I stop to think if what I did is driving people away? Maybe I didn’t but can you say definitely that you guys ever thought of that? Have you ever thought how many times when I wanted to desert him I didn’t? It’s because he was my friend and all the depression he went through last time, I tried to help him out of it if not console him. Others deserted him but who was still there despite all the things that happened? Me. I am not trying to portray myself as some noble victim of it all but that’s the truth. He can deny it, you can ignore it but it happened. I used to be so different last time, I have softened up now. I have given in so many times now that I think of it, I am ashamed. You claim to be the only one holding on to a breaking friendship, I said the same thing. Both of us can say the same thing and who will believe us? Friends on your side and friends on mine. What is the exact truth? Who really knows?

The things we say now, how much is the truth, and how much is just false pretense? I wouldn’t know now. Ok, I did pretend I was ok with the relationship you were gonna have with him because I believe that in future I was going to be ok with it. I just needed time for me to adjust my feelings and all but you guys finding for me that time at my workplace made my feelings went upside down. Walter has asked me out before but I told him I’m not ready, some other day. It was because I wasn’t ready to meet him or you or both of you yet. That was why I seem to be busy. Because I didn’t know how to react to this, it came as a shock and my friends were pulling me away. When I did stop to chat with you guys, there was an awkward silence. As if there was an invisible barrier that I could not break. I felt awkward in some sense and I couldn’t leave my friends waiting. I was just not ready. The whole thing happened so fast that I was still reeling from it. I needed time to heal and to adjust but I was not granted that time I needed and things started to go downhill from there onwards. I was bitter because something else happened and coupled with this was just what I needed to blow up.

How much do you know happened between Walter and I after all this happened? If you do know, you’d probably stand by his side because after all he is your boyfriend. Did I give you an ultimatum? Did I ask you to choose between me and him? When you asked for my consent, wasn’t it already considered an ultimatum? When things like that happened, sometimes friendship goes to waste and it does happen. Not only to both of us but also to other people and I have witnessed that. Was it a waste or was it something both of you will feel relieved about? No more shitty depressed inconsiderate me to come between you again. Maybe it’s best for you guys since things are so bad it seems that nothing can repair it. I may not have understood your feelings but you have not understood mine either. Both of us could never understand each other’s feelings for the simple reason that we are not each other. I don’t know why you should feel threatened or doubtful. It’s not as if I have a “relationship/couple” history with Walter and for me to reject so many times must have meant that I will not consider him again. There has to be a reason why I rejected despite his persistent efforts. What does it matter? 5 years isn’t anything to me.

We can go on and on accusing each other for things that we feel were unjust but I am already very tired of this whole cat and mouse game. I have had enough and I’m sure both of you having had enough too. So let’s just stop and go on with our lives. Hope both of you have good days ahead. I’ll just go on with my working life and enjoy time with my friends. And for the record, I have no idea why what I wrote made me cocky. Just because I wanted to forget everything that happened and vowed never to let myself be in such a similar situation again? Is that what made me sound cocky? I don’t know. For now, just live your life and I’ll live mine. I will never interfere in your life again for fear of messing your emotions up and for victimizing you.

The Ghost Beckons

2005-10-10T18:55:00.000+08:00

The ghost awakens and beckons me,
Appearing in my dreams,
Intimacy so real it aches,
The smell so real it suffocates.

The love we had in my dreams,
I know it is forbidden,
For I will never allow myself,
To fall in love with you.

You who have shunned me,
You who have underestimated me,
You who have betrayed me,
You who I no longer know.

Your hands touch my face,
You buried your face in my neck,
Taking a deep breath as you inhale,
The smell of me that you love.

You told me earnestly,
You told me with loving eyes,
You told me with gentle tears,
That you will only love me.

I know promises are meant to be broken,
Just like rules they never reign supreme,
I shook my head sadly and looked at you,
I said, “No, this is wrong.”

You shook your head defiantly,
You said loving me is right,
You said leaving me is wrong,
You said I am what makes it all right.

What are sweet words to me?
I am surrounded by them,
Yet how many of them are true?
How many would really love me for me?

Feelings of passion and lust,
They are all around and in abundance,
They are the daggers that pierce,
They are the poison that kills.

I held on to you for one last time,
I feel the warmth of your arms,
I feel the protectiveness you give,
But I chose to turn that all away.

I will not let myself hurt again,
Not after all those times I let in,
Not after all those times I cried,
Not after all those times I suffered.

You who loves me dear,
I choose to forget you,
Do not beckon me anymore,
I will not answer your call.

I had a weird dream yesterday. I wish I would not dream it again. It was so real it’s scary. No, I do not want to be in that position. Not when it has happened to me before. Sometimes I wonder how much concern a friend should show in order for him/her to be considered really caring about the other friend. there are many types of friends. Friends who are always there, talking to you, joking with you and spending time with you. There are also friends who are so distant sometimes you wonder if they’re still alive or not. Then, there are so called friends who have 2 personalities, one that is sweet in front of you and the other backstabs you. Who should go where? Which class should this friend be? The distant one or the other?

Is it possible for friends who used to be so close to you to become mere acquaintance now? Just a mere hello here and there but nothing more. I think that it is possible. We have a lot of acquaintance but very few people who you can truly call friends. After all, there are certain things that friends do and there are some things that friends should never do. When should a friend be considered as crossing over the boundary? Should there be a limit, a line that they should never cross? Once crossed, is the friendship considered over?

It is sad how friends are put in such compromising situation. It is sad how last time we used to be so important to each other now we don’t seem to need each other after finding our significant other. I have so many friends who were so close to me and after finding their so called significant other, they just seem to vanished from the face of earth save for a couple of odd hellos here and there. It’s not that one should never ever find a significant other, it’s just that sometimes I feel wasted. Years of friendship never seem to be able to rival with the love they feel for the opposite sex. It’s just sad. I wonder now, where is Sarah? What is she doing? Is she fine? I wonder now, where is Weinon? What is he doing? Is he fine? I wonder now, where is everyone? What are they doing? Are they fine?

These days I have been feeling melancholy. Is it true that we never need friends anymore as long as we are in a relationship? Is it true that all that matters is the member of the opposite sex we’re having a relationship with? What is friendship compared to that? Where were the members of the opposite sex when we were single and going through troubled times? Where were they when I was there for you when you were crying? Where were they when I was there for you to share your joy and accomplishment? Where were they when I stood by you when others doubted you? Where were they? Were they there to share all those with you? Are they willing to do the same for you now? How sure are you?

It’s probably in my nature to be doubtful. Trust is something that’s very hard for you to get out of me. I learn from experience and experience has taught me never to trust anyone even if they are your family. I feel so wasted now I feel pathetic. It just shows how much effort and time I put in friendship and yet look at what happened. I guess that in whatever relationship, I should never put that much emotions so that I will never feel this wasted anymore unless of course it’s for someone who put equally as much emotion or more in that relationship. Then, it’s worth it.

You and I

2005-10-08T23:10:00.000+08:00

You and I have been through so many things,
I have seen so many sides of you,
The good and the bad,
And I stuck with you through it all.

If you want to talk to me,
You don’t have to hesitate,
Because I know how you feel,
This is what you call fate.

You and I don’t need them,
They do not deserve us,
They who have betrayed us,
They who have been lost.

We reach out to them,
Yet we are shunned,
They do not wish to be rescued,
They would rather drown.

We have done our best,
Friends who have left,
Friends who have died,
Friends who are now lost.

They have cut their wrist,
White cloth drenched in red,
Where is the bravery they glorify?
Where is the courage they claim they have?

Sympathy is what we show,
Care is what we show,
Love is what we show,
It was all in vain.

Foolishness runs through their veins,
Like the blood sustaining them,
When stones age and fruits are ripe,
Will they come back to us?

What are we to do then?
Do we shun them like they did to us?
Do we embrace them again like in the past?
Do we risk ourselves of getting hurt again?

Friends of yesteryears,
They float in the air,
Distant memories are left,
That is all there is now.

Have our feelings been worn out?
Have our souls been dragged around?
Have our mind been through suffering?
Have our friendship been in despair?

You and I are strong beings,
We stood through wind and storm,
A true friendship is what it is,
One with trust and understanding.

Lately I've just been feeling disappointed and I dug through the memories in my head. I have found that lately, memories just seems to be fleeting images. Maybe the memories are evanescent and it could mean that those memories no longer mean anything to me. What were once vivid images are now a ghost of themselves. It has lost its meaning. What could have caused this? There could be some reasons. Friendships built and lost. Lack of certain minerals to strengthen my memory. Feeling of anger, hate and betrayal. It could be any one of these reasons yet I do not dwell my thoughts on it anymore. There is no reason why I should kill my brain cells trying to remember things that have lost its meaning.

Maybe what Kar said is right, sometimes it's better to forget and I think by the look of things now, I am starting to forget. I once said, I forgive but never forget. It still stands true to this day but the happy memories seem to be evading me and the bad ones seem to stay. My mum told me I should not invest too much feelings in a relationship and I probably shouldn't. Heck, I don't even feel sad I break up with my boyfriends. I have only cried for one boyfriend and up till now, I don't even know if he should be considered my boyfriend. I mean, we were young and I wonder if he ever considered me as one of his girlfriends. After we broke up, I vowed never to let a guy hurt me that much anymore and all my subsequent relationships ended without a tear from me. Strong or emotionless? I don't know.

Yet I seem to have invested a considerable amount of feelings in a platonic relationship and when that ended, I got hurt real bad. Maybe it's because of the feeling of wasted effort, maybe it's because of the naive perception that friendship is stronger than any other relationship (except relationships related by blood). Lina told me something her mum said and I agree. When people say puppy love, the first image to come to mind is of couples in school uniforms holding hands and such. We always think that what teenagers go through in their relationships are puppy love. However, even if we reached the age of 20 and above, our relationships with a member of the opposite sex does not change its status to true love. Who ever said that puppy love is only meant for hormone raging teenagers? We always think that just because we are no longer teenagers, the love we feel for the member of the opposite sex must be true love, not puppy love. It's a stupid perception, it shows how immature and foolish people can be.

A relationship of 8 years, how do you see it? Is it long enough and strong enough for them to get married? I wouldn't know. Some people get divorced even though they were together for more than 10 years before getting married. Some people grow old with each other even though they knew each other for less than a year before getting married. I guess it's chemistry, love cannot be forced.

What's the use of me being understanding when others are not? What's the use of me accepting people's flaws when they can't seem to accept mine? What's the use of me holding onto a relationship when they don't seem to put in any effort in sustaining it? What's the use of me holding onto the saying "Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you." when they do not do the same? Have I been taken for a ride? Have I been taken for granted all these while? I think I have.

work

2005-10-08T01:46:00.000+08:00

I’m tired… I did opening shift right up till closing. 16 hours! Nothing much happened, life has been mundane. Work home work home. I might be getting my stuff earlier than expected although I would like it to be a lil later. A bit pricey but I hope my 3 months pay can cover it. *shrug* Tired.

i'm tired.. so so tired..

2005-10-04T17:43:00.000+08:00

Once again, WHY is it that I let people feed me with false guilt? What the hell is wrong with me or should I be asking what the hell is wrong with them? Do I have the word SCAPEGOAT written across my forehead? My heart is so burdened with guilt that I feel as if I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating, let me go! Release me!

I know that shit happens but I don’t understand why it’s always got to be me. Why is it that I feel I am never allowed to show my anger, like I don’t have the right to be angry? Why is it that people feel as if they can be angry at me for my faults but I have to smile at theirs? Why is it that I still smile and act like nothing happened when the fault doesn’t lie in me and they go around pushing my anger limit? Don’t you see that you’re killing me? Don’t you guys see that I am at my wits end? Don’t you guys see that I’m suffering?

Is it that fun to point out my mistakes and glorify yourselves? Is it that fun to blame everything on me as if you never made a mistake? Is it that fun that my mistake is always bigger than yours no matter what? Seriously, I am also human, I have feelings too god damn it. I am supposed to be strong, I am supposed to endure all these but there’s a limit too. A limit before I break down.

I’ve always noticed how people will always point out my mistakes but never remember the times when I’ve always been by their side. I’m so tired of being pushed around. I’m so tired of being the friend that’s always smiling and listening. I’m so tired of being taken for granted. I’m so tired of being the understanding friend. I’m so tired of being the friend that doesn’t feel hurt and pain. I’m so so tired.

James Blunt - Cry , dedicated to you..

2005-10-03T22:53:00.000+08:00

"Cry"

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.

You and I have lived through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

opinions and independence

2005-09-29T20:03:00.000+08:00

I’ve come to learn that shit does happen. It is one line that I found is true. Life isn’t a bed of roses so things may and can go wrong no matter how smoothly things seem now. Life is not about it being placid. Life is full of ups and downs and we have to learn how to deal with it when shit does happen.

I’ve had support and encouragement and I believe that I have indeed grown to be a stronger person. I believe that I am able to have the courage to just let things go because I have learnt my lesson. No one is that stupid to not have learnt a lesson. I mean if you get punished for cheating, obviously you’ll think twice about cheating again because you wouldn’t want to get punished again would you? Forgetting will allow your soul to be lighter and free. Free from the burden that has rested so long.

I do hope that Yow Fei will be able to pull through the difficulty he’s facing now. I hope that things turn out well for him. I try not to deal on negative things anymore. I should not be thinking so negatively of myself. It was an advice and I take it and apply it. It’s true, why should I be blaming myself for something that I did not do? Why do I allow people to feed me with false guilt over something I have no fault in?

People have always been bitching about me and I have not taken all those things to heart so why should things be different now? In fact, if they want to talk bad about me, spread rumours I don’t fucking care anymore. I have always had my own personality, some find it too strong because I have my own principles and my own opinions. They somehow think women should be more complacent and not have opinions of their own. Maybe it’s because of my independence that people dislike due to some reasons. Maybe it’s because they are not that independent. So, if they don’t like my attitude or my headstrong personality, it ain’t my problem.

I have no time to think of what people think of me. I don’t care. I mean, I live for myself I don’t live for them. I lead my own life, people don’t lead my life. I decide for myself what I want, I don’t follow people blindly. I have my own principles, a backbone. I have pride and dignity although Lina thinks sometimes I have too much but hey, that’s who I am. I am at the peak of my last days of my teenage year. I should be having fun and not mourning over something that is lost. If it’s lost then it’s lost. I don’t feel remorse. Why should I?

My mum says that the past years I’ve been living is a chapter of my life and it has met a closure. Soon I will be starting a new chapter in life and everything else is just a memory or just plain forgotten. I agree. Start a new chapter in life and live in the present, not the past. People will not progress or improve if they constantly hold back and live in the past. My studies and my future career is my main platter, love relationships are a side dish. I mean, you can’t survive on love only. You got to be realistic. As cruel as it may sound but love does not put food on the table.

Disclaimer : This post is for expressing my opinions and are not meant to hurt anyone directly or indirectly unless names are stated. Therefore I will not accept any suing claims from any people asking me to pay for physical/psychological damages inflicted from reading this entry. Thank you.

money spent..

2005-09-27T22:44:00.000+08:00

After spending RM400, my pc is finally fixed and is currently running on 768MB RAM and 160GB of space plus nVidia GEFORCE4 5200 graphics card. This is gonna be my new baby. Bit by bit, I’m gonna upgrade it. Next on the list would be my other stuff. I will get it next year after working hard this year. Next, casing fan for my cpu, if possible, Altec Lansing speakers and wireless keyboard and mouse. Maybe then, change motherboard to allow DDR RAM to work and not forgetting, a DVD rom. Okay, that will amount to quite a lot of money but if I work hard enough and save enough, maybe in a “few” years, that will be possible. ^_^

Korean series and movies, here I come!! Wahahahahaha….

Other than that, nothing much. Just counting down the days till I last see Hefni. I can’t wait to go shopping with Francesca on Friday. Hm, what else? Meg is back, that’s a good thing. We can both gush over Rain and Full House and stuff. I will have a new store manager, a good looking Indian. Just hope that he will be an easy man to work with. All these while, he’s been a nice guy but you gotta work with him to know better.

Can’t wait to get my stuff next year. Gambate!

i love you hefni..

2005-09-26T22:34:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I cried with Francesca. First time I cried at work, I wanted to stop but seeing him made the tears fall out freely and soon I was choking on my tears. You must be wondering who, it’s Hefni. He will be transferred to Amcorp Mall and his last day as my supervisor will be on the 30th this month. I only have another 3 days with him.

I bathed yesterday and I cried. Who will be there to hug me I am angry? Who will be there to kiss me to try to patch things up? Who will be there to blow into my ear to make me giggly? Who will be there to make growling sound to put a smile on my face? Who will I “manja” to now? Who will I rest my head on and take in his scent? Where will all these precious memories go when he’s gone?

I love him so much and so does Francesca. Both of us love him so much that we both cried our eyes out. He came in and asked us why but we just cried. I squatted down, putting my head aside so that I wouldn’t be able to see his face. He came and asked me to stand up but I didn’t want to because I was crying. He pulled me up and hugged me, asking me not to cry. I hugged him and continued crying. Now, images of him swirled in my head. No one would manja with me anymore with him gone. I’m beginning to hate my district manager now for transferring him away. Hefni promised he will be back after one month but what if he doesn’t?

Francesca said she cried all the way home and now, I’m crying my eyes out. I do not want him to leave but who are we to say anything? As I think of the times I spent with him, there is no one on the management team that I’m closer to. Why? I can’t let him go, I don’t want to. I don’t want him to leave us. There will no longer be the pioneer management team that opened Starbucks Leisure Mall #060. Martin has long gone to Midvalley while Simon is resigning next month. Now Hefni is gone.. Francesca even cursed my district manager, saying that she hopes he rots in hell and all. She hates the district manager and now I’m beginning to dislike him. How many more changes in the management team will he do before he’s finally satisfied? How many more do we have to endure?

FRANCESCA AND I LOVE YOU HEFNI. I’M GONNA MISS YOU..

after turbulent and suppressive times, i'm finally free and happy!

2005-09-21T08:57:00.000+08:00

These days have been good. I have been talking to my mum, she is very supportive and approves of it. So I’m very happy. It’s like a big burden taken off my chest. Heck, even food tastes nicer nowadays. She’s right and I will take her advice.

I love Fran and Andrew. I simply love them to bits. Best friends ever. Simon thinks I’m having an affair with Andrew though. *laughs* that old man is beginning to have Alzheimer’s disease I think. Meg’s coming back to work next week so I have my group of great friends to work with again! People think it’s rather pitiful for me to be working every day for this long holiday of 3 months but hey, they don’t know that I’m working with people who supports me and encourages me.

I’m back! I love being single and god, the freedom is good! Fran told me that those belonging to the Sagittarius are people who want and crave freedom. That explains why I feel caged and suppressed before but no more, I’m finally FREE!! This calls for a celebration!! Maybe I’ll go out with Fran and Andrew or something. Life is indeed good!

whatever, i'm numb.

2005-09-19T00:32:00.000+08:00

Indeed, he didn’t call me fuck and shit. That I don’t deny. I never called him fuck and shit either. So, if he thinks karma is getting back at me. Sure, whatever. Karma it is then. Then again, everyone has karma. Karma comes around. Cut me some slack? I have no idea what’s that supposed to mean. All I know is I’m angry and I’m voicing my feelings out. Freedom of blogging, just like everyone else has the right to write whatever they want on their blogs. Expecting an apology from me again? A public apology? I’ll remember the word, KARMA.

happy birthday LINA

2005-09-18T23:39:00.000+08:00

Today, Lina’s birthday so I’ve still got another 40 minutes before time’s up. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINA!! Sorry today was damn rushed. Promise next time we spend more time together bitchin’ ok? But that is if you want to.

Well, I don’t why I give a shit. Now that I know it doesn’t mean anything to him, why should it mean so much to me? Just because we’re not associated means that 5 years is nothing. What the fuck?! Endured shit with him and it’s nothing to him at the end of the day. Fine, whatever. Since he doesn’t fucking care about this 5 year friendship, I should probably stop bawling my god damn eyes out. “Surrounded by lots of masculine energy, you're feeling empowered and fierce.” is my horoscope for today and I am indeed feeling very fierce. I don’t need any more shit than now. Let him live in his lil wonderful world. I’m gonna live my own.

On a more cheerful note, I have been pretty close to Andrew and Kok Weng lately. More so with Andrew. He said, “I’m gonna love you more this time so that you can get over that shit.” I’m thankful for him being there. I rested my head on his broad shoulders and he rested his head on mine. It was a very loving scene; even Kit thought we look like a couple. Yesterday was the first time Andrew touched my hand and my face. I’m thankful for the hug he gave because I needed it. I had cried the night before; he was there to comfort me. He said he will help me get through it. He’s a nice guy no matter that others think. Kok Weng on the other hand has been flirting with me from Thursday till now but I heard his grandma passed away today, my deepest condolences to him. Hope he’ll be okay soon.

Okay, I’m sure I’ll get over my stupid emotional self. I feel like a fucking complete fool for feeling this way when it actually doesn’t mean anything to him. Strong me is finally back, the one that doesn’t give a fuck. Heck, if he can do it why not me? I have always been stronger than him anyway.

To all who cared, thanks.

short update

2005-09-17T00:33:00.000+08:00

Today is a weird day for me. My last paper is today so I’m finally free from exams and I’ll have 3 months holiday. I found out today that results will be out the next day which is real fast because I just finished exams and they’re releasing results unit by unit. Oh well…

I was listening to Gavin Degraw’s “More Than Anyone” in my car and I love that song. I had the urge to cry. The lyrics hit my heart at the right spots. I really wanted to cry and he sang with so much emotions. I’m listening to it now and I feel like crying. Recovery of 60% dropped to 40%. I wanna pull through it, I really do. God, please give me the strength to recover and the ability to forget. I want to forget, I need to forget. I need to save myself before I destroy myself.

I don’t want to shed anymore tears. Tears that I shed only for one person, I don’t want to shed them anymore. I thank my friends for encouraging and supporting me… thank you Francesca, Meg and Andrew. Thanks!

Aja aja fighting!

this is the song currently on replay. Gavin Degraw's "More THan Anyone"

"More Than Anyone"

You need a friend
I'll be around
Don't let this end
Before I see you again
What can I say to convince you
To change your mind of me?
I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm going to love you more than anyone
Look in my eyes, what do you see?
Not just the color
Look inside of me
Tell me all you need and I will try
I will try
I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm going to love you more than anyone
Free for you, whenever you need
We'll be free together baby
Free together baby
I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to love you more than anyone

Just a friend

2005-09-16T09:37:00.000+08:00

Has been a long time since I last posted a poem of my own. I was listening to a song and I just sorta got into the mood and the result? A crappy poem below.

I saw you standing in the dark,
You were so much in love,
With your hand on her heart,
You said you were just friends.

From her fingers in your hair,
I know better now,
I will forgive you,
If you say I am the one.

I have had other options,
But all I ever wanted was you,
You fit my soul like a glove,
You were all I ever wanted.

You said you were just friends,
Why can’t you stay true?
True to the one who loves you,
True to the one who’d die for you.

I will forgive you,
Just say that I’m the one,
I will forget all you’ve done,
Just say that I’m the one.

Who is she to you?
Only just a friend?
She looks at you longingly,
and you look at her lovingly.

My heart is crushed,
My soul has fleeted,
I stood there dumbfounded,
Willing myself not to believe.

How can I not believe?
It happened right before me,
Your hands on her,
Your hands which used to be mine.

I will forgive you,
Just say that I’m the one,
I will forget all you’ve done,
Just say that I’m the one.

dedicated to Walter

2005-09-15T15:06:00.000+08:00

Okay, I told him I’m sorry but it seems he's not taking my apology. Maybe he needs some time to cool down his anger? I don't know. Walter, it's been 5 friggin years... The things we've been through, the ups and downs, it's the most I’ve been through with any friend. I thought I might have understood you after all these years, I could be wrong. I thought you might have understood me after all these years too but then again, I could be wrong.

Walter, I’m sorry you had to feel the bitterness I felt. I’m sorry that the wrath not intended for you was felt by you. I’m sorry for everything. I’m willing to patch things up with you, are you willing to do the same or am I the only person who’s trying to patch up something that’s not going to work? You once asked me if you’re important to me and yes, you are important to me. As a friend that has stood by me through thick and thin, through laughter and tears. You’re as important to me as Lina is as important to me. You’re as important to me as Madeleine is as important to me.

I’ve come to a point in life when I begin to love the friends I have. I really love them. Like how I love Hefni, like how I love Lina, like how I love Madeleine. I really love them all. And the same goes to you; I love you as a friend that has been with me for 5 years. It’s half a decade; it’s not a short period. We have a deep friendship that is rare among friends, so deep that it becomes special in some way. Not romantically but special nonetheless.

I know I’ve been an ass. The words I’ve said, the things I’ve done. If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t have said all the things that will hurt you, do the things that will bring pain to you. But, things said and done all I can ever say is I’m sorry. Are you not going to forgive me? Are you going to discard this old friend you have? What else can I say but apologise for the foolish mistakes I made? A friend taught me to forget everything and salvage this special friendship I have with you. Here I am, apologising and I get no response. I feel as if you’re really angry at me, that you do not want to bother about me anymore. As if our friendship is finito, the end. Is that what you wanted? Or are you too content in your little world to bother about the other people around you? Maybe so… maybe we’re no longer important to you.

I probably understand now how u felt when ah boy got together with EC but I’m trying to be understanding. I will not push you further. I just want you to know that I’m sorry. Walter, I’m sorry.

updates as usual... trying to cut down on my sarcasm so that people won't get hurt..

2005-09-14T18:26:00.000+08:00

Funny… I really do forgive but don’t forget but I guess that applies to most of us. Well, at least I think it does apply to most of us. Been thinking about some stuff that happened recently and I laughed cynically. Really, some people have to get a grip of themselves. I might be one of them, I might not. I’ve been told that my sarcasm sometimes is a little overboard so I’ll try controlling it. Heck, I’ve always liked my sarcasm but it seems that some people just don’t get it and worst, some just misunderstand it. So, my bad. In general, my fault. It has been all this while so what makes this an exception right? They say matured people accept their faults and learn from it. I’m accepting mine and learning from it so I do hope you guys will also learn to accept your faults, accepting it doesn’t mean accepting defeat. It just means that you’re willing to learn from your mistakes and grow from it.

Wow, things have been happening real fast these days I’m just so caught up in it. Madeleine is probably scared of what she’s seeing of me now. Hell, everyone’s afraid of seeing their friends’ darker side. That’s why it’s called the darker side. Well, I told her I’ll try not to venture too dark into the dark side. I’ll be at the borderline. I’ve already had my share of pulling people who ventured too deep into the dark side and I don’t want my friends to ever do the same for me. Don’t worry, I’ll pull through. Hey, it’s me you’re talking about, I always pull through no matter what. I need time and space as always…

Ok, I need to clear things up as usual. Clean up your mess after u make one, that’s what they always say. Since I’m accepting my faults, I gotta say SORRY to WALTER for saying the wrong things at the wrong time. I gotta say SORRY to MADELEINE for making her the center person, for being in the crossfire. I gotta say SORRY to BRANDON for actually believing your words that you so carefully crafted when going after so many other girls. I gotta say SORRY to LINA for always ranting and make your ears turn red. I gotta say SORRY to FRANKIE for letting you hear my weaker side. I gotta say SORRY to everyone else who has suffered when I was lurking in the dark side.

Madeleine was a bit worried about me turning into a lesbian. She says it’s not me but I say what the hell… after the problems I’ve encountered with guys, maybe things will be better with girls. I might start with Francesca and then move on to Lina. Lol, fret not girls… it’s just a thought; I haven’t really turned into a lesbian yet. Just pray the right guy comes along so that it’ll prevent me from turning into one and making u guys the victims.

Vulnerability aside, I think I’ve learnt my lesson. Madeleine wants Andrew to stay away from her and I guess I want loser guys to stay away from me. Ok, so what else did I do that offended you guys? Bring it on. Tell me straight into my face and not go beating around the bush, leaving me in the dark. I need to know what I did and clarify it if need be. Then again, I have a nasty temper so if u wanna fight with me, let’s see who has the nastier temper.

Aja aja fighting!

recovering slowly but surely.. anger and hatred fuels my life now.

2005-09-13T11:20:00.000+08:00

I wonder if using anger and hatred to fuel my life is healthy. After all these anger I’m spitting out, I’m actually wondering if it’s good for my health but heck, who cares anyway? I’m still living my life, I don’t live it for anyone else so I guess it’s still good. It’s weird how you think someone is your friend but they went back on their promises. Tell you my problems? *cynical laugh* I don’t tell people my problems unless you have half of my trust and I don’t tell people my problems if I can help it so that I don’t burden people with it. If can, I would rather shoulder all of it than to place my friends in a difficult situation but sorry Lina, I guess I did put you in a difficult situation by telling you all these stuff.

My friend said, “In real life I got a simple rule.... I hate everyone. Whoever knows to overcome this hatred & gains my respect can turn into a potential friend” and I think that it is one way to prevent yourself from being betrayed. She was recently betrayed by a person whom she knew for quite some time and she said, “look at what trusting ppl did for me.”. I guess, sometimes we just can’t trust anyone. Trust will only put you in danger when someone decides to take it and throw it right back into your face.

How can one grow stronger? I have no idea because I’m still working out on that myself. Maybe for me is just not trusting people and keeping everything to myself if possible. Maybe for me, growing stronger means turning cold. Maybe just maybe, I’ve grown a little stronger after all that’s happened to me recently. Like what Greg said, I probably need room to grow after all the bad things that have built up recently. I probably do need space. At least till I’m sure I’m perfectly ok again. Right now? I’m probably at 60%. Slow progress right?

Oh well, I’m living by my principle of “without a boyfriend, I will not die”. Funny how my last few posts seems to put me in a feminist light and the whole betrayed crap. Maybe I’m still angry at being betrayed, being played out. Andrew supports me when he heard what happened and I’m surprised that he sounded as if he really wished I wasn’t hurt. And to the few others out there who did wish I wasn’t hurt, thank you for your support. It means a lot to me when I’m in the gutter.

I just want my bloody exams to be over so I can be free and start working again. At least that will take my mind off one matter.

you think it's love? you're wrong. you guys are pathetic losers..

2005-09-12T21:05:00.000+08:00

Okay, I’ve had requests to not be a feminist because it seems to be the quickest route to being a lesbian. Greg asked me not to turn into a feminist. Ok, I won’t turn into a feminist but being feminist doesn’t necessarily make u a lesbian right? I mean I still adore men (I mean would you look at the background of my blog? He’s the most handsome men ever!) it’s just that I don’t really trust guys anymore. I gave them half of my trust and look what they did with it. They threw it right into my face. Imagine if I’ve given them all of my trust. I’ve already said that I don’t trust people completely anymore. And oh yeah, I still don’t know why guys find lesbians to be such a turn on. *shrug*

Like I mentioned in my previous entry, I’ve ceased being close to him. It seems as if the more I see him, the more I feel the resentment growing in me. It’s guys like him that makes me want to be a feminist. I get the feeling of being played out but never again. I will not be that stupid anymore. If you can’t wait for me, then you’re not really in love with me. That’s what I believe. There’s no use in pressuring me to accept you so quickly if you can’t even wait for me. If he doesn’t get a girlfriend, he’ll die. That’s the impression he gives me now. I can’t believe I actually once liked him. Now, it’s just the growing resentment in me. Yes, I’ve turned cold.

Like Lina, I believe love comes in different ways. I love Greg for being as perverted as me and for sharing the same passion. I love Hefni for being the greatest supervisor ever and it’s my love for him that I want to make sure no one ever says bad things or do bad things to him. I love Lam for being the asshole he is and for the bone crushing hugs he gives. I love Andrew for the gentle and perverted giant he is. Hell, I love a lot of people yet it doesn’t mean I love them romantically.

For now, I’m just sick of being romantically linked to anybody. I’m an independent girl and I need an independent guy if I was to ever be romantically involved with someone. I can’t stand guys who’d cling to me all the time, for fear of losing me or just for attention or whatever crappy reason there is. I don’t have time for guys who can’t even make a bloody decision and stick with it. That’s fickle-minded. I don’t have time for guys who’d keep a girl as a back up if things go wrong with another. I don’t have time for guys who can’t even be sure if it’s love or if it’s pity.

Right now, I’m not interested. I’d prefer having my perverted and passionate conversations with Greg than being choked in what guys think is love but isn’t.

stay away you hypocrites.. u have no place in my world

2005-09-11T21:21:00.000+08:00

I’m beginning to get worried. I’m worried I’m about to turn into an extreme feminist. I feel as if I cannot trust guys that much anymore. That one thing happened and already it made me weak and just as I was about to pick myself up, another blow comes. He told me to give him time to prove himself worthy of me and all of a sudden out of nowhere, he told me he’s back with his ex-gf. I’m beginning to think he’s a real desperate guy who without a girlfriend, he would die. I’m beginning to think everything’s a lie and I’m determined not to get close with him anymore. Does he think after all that he can still treat me like nothing happened? Hugging me and all? No more. It’s gone.

Now when I have problems of any sort, I only turn to 2 people. These are the two people I trust more than the others, Lina and Frankie. Lina is the person who provides me with humour and with comfort when everything seems upside down for me. Frankie is a matured person who gives me good advice and it’s because I’m following his advice that I’m beginning to heal steadily. I can’t thank both of you enough; you guys are the greatest gems when I’m feeling down.

Heck, I should probably live my own life for myself from now on. No more intense feelings, no more commitment. I guess my wish was granted, I’m beginning to turn cold. It’s best for me that way, I need my barrier again to prevent myself from being betrayed and hurt. I’ve still got Lina to keep me company, to support me and to encourage me. I’m glad I’m back to my old self… no more deep feelings, no more commitments. I feel more free. No more, I will not let any guys hurt me anymore. I will not tolerate it. I will not be that gullible anymore, I will not trust their words that easily anymore.

I NEED TO BE STRONG AND INDEPENDENT. I’m not just an ordinary girl. Beware.

a new day

2005-09-09T06:43:00.000+08:00

It’s 6.30am and I’m about to go to university. After days of struggling, maybe, just maybe I’m finally letting go. It’s good that I took Frankie’s advice. Just for the time being, I’m playing the disappearing act. Time, that’s what I need.

I was doing my hair in the bathroom just now and all of a sudden I thought of my ex-boyfriends. So far, in all the relationships I’ve been, only two of them seemed real. First was of course my so-called “first contact” with a guy, Kah Wai in primary school. Yeah, imagine how young and naïve I was. He was the first guy I cried over after we broke up and yes, he was the last too. In subsequent relationships, when I broke up I did not shed a tear. I could be cruel or I could have built a protective wall from being hurt.

Second would of course be Weinon. Probably the only boyfriend that treats me the best. Now, thinking of him puts a smile on my face as I think back of the times we went through. He loved me a lot and cared for me a lot. He’s the first guy ever to kiss me on the cheek too. I still remember the time when it was raining heavily and he was under the umbrella with me. He walked me to the place where I always waited for my parents. Just as my parents’ car approached, he said those three little words and ran off into the rain. Funny how I can remember things like that when important things (like study material) never seem to stick long to me.

Would I ever be in a relationship again despite being asked countless times? I’m not sure. I’m not in a hurry to commit myself. After the stormy days, I finally believe I have found myself again. The old me that believes without a boyfriend I will not die. The old me that believes I can be strong on my own. The old me that believes I am independent. For those who have finally found their love, I wish you all the best and what can I say? Treat him/her good. For now, I’ll like to just keep the memories of my previous relationships and remember that at one time of my life, I was happy with the guy who was in a relationship with me.

Time to move on, bigger things to think about. I should not waste my time and my tears on things that might not happen. I’ve once said, I don’t waste time and energy on something that is not confirmed it will happen. Stand strong, let the big winds blow and I will not sway. I will let go, I will forget and hopefully, new things will come my way and better things too. Clear my mind of all frustrations, be positive and meet the day with a smile on my face. This is what I will do and I can do it. I believe so.

Maybe this closes a chapter of my life. The chapter of tears, hurt and grief. Like a new chapter on a fresh page, my heart and mind is beginning to start afresh too. Thanks Lina for being there for me, for listening to my incessant rants and complains. Thanks for giving me comfort and for your advice. Thanks Frankie for sharing with me your experience and your thoughts. Both of you picked me up from the drain and washed me clean with your comfort and words. Thank you very much. I believe the sun is peeking out from the clouds now on this new day.

what the hell is wrong?

2005-09-08T10:30:00.000+08:00

People think I’m selfish, selfish for not letting him go. Is asking some concern the same as asking him to still treat me as a gf? I’m happy he finally found someone else. I just want the feelings when we were still friends at that time, the same carefree happy feelings. Is that the same as asking him to treat me as a gf? I think not.

Some people tend to misunderstand my actions yet I do not ask them to understand me because like I’ve said countless times, who would understand me and who would understand how I really feel? All you guys ever saw was what is on the surface but how many of you know what’s happening within?

I am also tired of being known as the bitch that doesn’t wanna let go. I’m tired of being known as the bitch that’s holding him back and not giving him what he wants. I’m tired of people thinking of me that way. Do you think I do not know the times he were with me, all I’ve ever given him was pain and misery? Do you think I do not know that every time he was with me he was miserable? Do you think I do not want him to be happy?

Put yourself in my shoes before saying something. Think of how you would feel in your shoes. Do not think that he’s the only one who has invested effort in the relationship I had once with him. I have made efforts to keep the friendship going on after what seems like countless problems. Do you think I take this relationship lightly?

What is wrong with me wanting to have times like the old days where we are just plain carefree? Do friends not care about their friends anymore the moment they find someone else? Is that concern only able to be given by a lover? I think not. So tell me, what is wrong with me wanting to have a nice carefree friendship with him? Or tell me, what the hell is wrong with you guys?

memories

2005-09-08T01:35:00.000+08:00

The past few entries have been pretty depressing and seem to be the trend for posts to come. I seem to only update my blog during wee hours of the morning, when silence sets in and my mind starts to think.

Space is what I asked for, space is what I got. Even though we have been talking to each other yet there is an empty space in me that seemingly only he can fill which is weird. I guess after all these years that we’ve spent in each other’s company made him somewhat indispensable.

Reading and thinking made me think of a lot of stuff. I thought of the time when he wanted to go to Australia to be a chef and he asked if I will cry when he does leave. I remembered saying that I’m already crying before he even left. I remembered those words he said to me, “you’re my angel but also my little devil.” I wrote it down and it’s in my file, reminding me of him. It’s weird that everything I have reminds me of him. For as long as possible, I do not want to take out the pendants at all. He gave it to me, I will wear it.

I guess 2005 was a bad year for us. This year we seemed to have more conflicts than usual. Words were said, actions were done and the pain was inflicted. I thought about 5 years back when we used to call each other at night and chat till the wee hours of the morning. Days were good then. Everything was good between us.

Maybe because it’s early morning, I feel an ache in my heart. I feel like he is not concerned about me anymore. I’m having my exams too but he didn’t really seem to care or wish me luck. I have my problems too but he wasn’t there. He was too busy. Yet, he’ll probably think I’m not there for him when he was having problems. However, I think back of those days when we used to chat online, who was there for him then? Wasn’t it me?

Where was the sincere smile? Where was the concern? Where was the old Walter that I used to enjoy? Where did it go? Where did he go? Where the once happy sms-es? Where has all these gone? Have they faded to just become memories? Memories of the past? Tears are rolling down my cheek as I type this out. The very emotion I’m feeling now. No one would understand the relationship I once had with him. No one understood how I felt but yet again, my actions never seem to justify how I felt. It is something deep that cannot be explained.

Hadn’t he once implied that he’ll never like anyone else like I reportedly said months ago? Hadn’t he said, “The door is always open.”? I guess I chose to shut it in his face..

Memories,
The joy and the laughter,
The pain and the tears,
The ups and downs,
The sunshine and rain.

Memories,
Leaving an empty shell,
Leaving an empty heart,
Leaving a tired soul,
Leaving tears behind.

Memories,
The smile on your face,
The sound of your voice,
The touch of your hand,
The way you smell.

Memories,
Everything seems so far,
Everything seems changed,
Everything seems dark,
Everything seems hopeless.

Memories,
You leave a mark in me,
A mark that will never leave,
A mark that is here to stay,
A mark so deep it hurts.

Memories,
Won’t you take me away?
Briskly into the night,
Under the pale moonlight,
Under the shining stars.

Memories,
I need your wings,
To fly away from here,
To leave my heart behind,
To leave you behind.

Memories,
Grant me my wish,
My wish of happiness,
Not for me but for him,
Not for anyone else.

Memories,
Grant me another wish,
My wish of being cold,
Not for him but for me,
Not for anyone else.

Memories,
I pray that you grant me my wishes,
I need them granted so badly,
I need him to be happy,
I need me to be cold.

i'm tired...

2005-09-05T03:08:00.000+08:00

It’s almost 3 am and I am still awake. There is a funny feeling inside. A sense of uncomfort maybe? I don’t know.

If someone was there for me when I was at my lowest, if someone was there to pick me up after I fall, if someone made me see things in a different perspective, if someone made me strong again after I became weak, should I start liking the person in a different way? Should that like turn into love? Should sympathy, support and encouragement be misunderstood for love? When does one know it’s love and when it’s just support and pity? Of all of my online friends, I really have to thank Greg because he did all of the above. He was there for me when the depression sinks in; he picked me up and gave me comfort. Deep down, I am grateful I met him.

On the other hand, is it wrong for me to concentrate on my studies? Is it wrong for me to push everyone away so that I can concentrate on my exams? When I say I’m tired, I really am. Family, friends, work, studies. Just how much can I take? I have to balance everything out because if the scale is unbalanced, everything goes awry and who will pick the pieces up? Me. Sometimes I feel it’s just a one way thing. Like I am the only one making an effort to make sure everything is in balance. Like no one really understands the situation I’m in. it’s true, no one does understand what I’m going through. What do they know? Just plain ol’ me who doesn’t study till exams come, me who seems to have so much fun it’s a sin. Who really know what I’m dealing with? Who really knows the pressure of everything closing in on me? No one.

I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of people taking me for granted. I’m tired of people wanting me to be everywhere at one time. I’m tired of doing charity. Do they even acknowledge all I’ve done for them? Do they know the sacrifices I made? Do they know how I tried to make them happy? Or do they only remember the bitter memories I bring? I am only human, I am not perfect. Why do they expect everything to be perfect from me?

Why do I feel so tired? Is it the responsibilities of others I’m helping them to shoulder that are bringing me down? Is it my nature of trying to help them that’s finally causing the end of me? Why is it that my deepest feelings cannot be expressed freely? Why is it every time I do that, people misunderstand it and think otherwise? How long do I need to suppress all this? Someone tell me, how long all this must go on? Someone, tell me.

best song by BSB

2005-09-04T18:29:00.000+08:00

i really love this song from Backstreet Boys taken from their Black & Blue album. the melody is beautiful and the lyrics is nice, coupled with their silky vocals (namely Brian and Howie), it touched my heart.

"How Did I Fall In Love With You?"

Remember when, we never needed each other
The best of friends like
Sister and Brother
We understood, we'd never be,
Alone

Those days are gone, and I want you so much
The night is long and I need your touch
Don't know what to say
I never meant to feel this way
Don't want to be
Alone tonight

[chorus:]
What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that, I resemble

I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
Don't want to be,
Alone tonight

[chorus:]
What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

[Bridge:]
Oh I want to say this right
And it has to be tonight
Just need you to know, oh yeah

I don't want to live this life
I don't want to say goodbye
With you I wanna spend
The rest of my life

[chorus:]
What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
Everything's changed, we never knew

How did I fall,
in love ,
with you?

feelings

2005-09-03T11:35:00.000+08:00

It’s weird how I’m feeling inside. It’s sort of indescribable. Things haven’t really been the same and for a relationship that has stretched over a span of 5 years, I feel uncomfortable with the current situation. Sure, everything is out in the open yet the comfortable feeling we used to have seems to have disappeared.

The familiar “chink” still resonates whenever I move. He no longer wears it but I still do, maybe because I have become so accustomed to it that without it, it doesn’t seem right. When in deep thought, I’d hold the pendant and memories come flooding in. I don’t really seem to remember the sad ones; I only remember the happy ones which I think are good. I should think of the happy memories instead of the sad ones.

Really…. Will we ever be the same again? Is the wound too deep? He has found someone new and that’s good for him. To hell and back? Does it apply to both of us? I don’t know. Can’t believe I’m feeling down early in the day. What happened to the Caryn from long ago? What happened to the person where she lived the days as happily as possible without any worries? Is it because I’ve grown and somewhat matured that it’s inevitable to worry somehow?

I’ve learnt my lesson once again. As if once or twice isn’t enough to make me realize, it had to happen again to remind me of how dangerous it was. Now I know, I’ll never trust anyone 100% ever again. Secrets are meant to be secrets and even if they are to be shared, I will choose the people properly. Never again will I talk so freely without thinking. Never again will I say things that are meant to be private. Never again will I allow myself to be betrayed.

Don't Look Back In Anger

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd once never been
All the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away

So I start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I have went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I hear you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows if it's night or day
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock n Roll band
Who'll throw it all away

So I start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I have went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I hear you say

Don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
At least not today

Everyone Needs Someone

2005-08-30T11:20:00.000+08:00

This is dedicated to all my friends, wherever you are, whatever you do I hold you in my thoughts. This is dedicated to the greatest treasure in life, friends. Thank you for being in my life, it has brought changes to my life.

"Everyone Needs Someone" by Helen Steiner Rice

People need people and friends need friends,
And we all need love for a full life depends-
Not on vast riches or great acclaim,
Not on success or on worldy fame,
But just in knowing that someone cares,
And holds us close in their thoughts and prayers-
For only the knowledge that we're understood,
Makes everyday living feel wonderfully good,
And we rob ourselves of life's greatest need,
When we "lock up our hearts" and fail to heed,
The outstretched hand reaching to find,
A kindred spirit whose heart and mind,
Are lonely and longing to somehow share,
Our joys and sorrows and to make us aware,
That life's completeness and richness depends,
On the things we share with our loved ones,
and friends.

indifferent

2005-08-20T17:33:00.000+08:00

right now, i don't want to hear any advice from anyone. i have had my worst moments and it's all in the history now. i don't need to hear how i should handle this, how i should do this or that. sorry for being rude to those who wanna help but i'm over it, gimme a break and don't say anything.

war?

2005-08-19T00:03:00.000+08:00

Blogging was supposed to be a way out for me, a way for me to vent my anger, express my emotions and ideas but look what has it done now. When someone writes something in their blog, it’s entirely their own opinion on stuff but now, I hear friends using other friend’s blog to lash out at a certain someone. It has turned into a bloody war.

I have no idea what the hell happened in the past few weeks. Everything happened so fast. Exams are coming, pressure is mounting high and emotions are running wild. I don’t know how or why the relationship between Walter and I worsened. Fine, it’s my fault if you wanna know but still I don’t know what the big deal is with me asking for some space. Did I do something wrong and not realize it?

What’s the point of people lashing out at each other? Backstabbing? As if I don’t have people backstabbing me. Happened since high school and I doubt it stopped even now. If they wanna backstab, go ahead. They either backstab me because they are jealous or there’s something wrong with me. So if it’s the latter, then I’ll think about it and try to change if I can. But what’s the use?

Things got so out of hand I want to scream and hit things or throw something. Is god really testing my endurance, my patience? Is He waiting for the day I finally break down? Well, He got it… that day is today. I might be strong but there’s only so much I can take.

friends?

2005-08-17T19:11:00.000+08:00

How does it feel like to have a punch in your face? How does it feel like to have punches coming in from everywhere? I don’t know how to describe it but that is what I’m feeling now. I have come to understand that no one will ever understand how we feel because they are not us. Sure, it’s easy to tell your friend that, “you’re overreacting! You’re being too sensitive about the whole issue!” but wait till you’re in their shoes then maybe you’ll start to just shut up and try to understand how they feel. Right now, I just feel as if no one understands how I really feel.

I go to uni with a happy go lucky face, everyone oblivious to the problems I actually have. Should friends ever be measured by how much they know of my problems and the sympathy they give? Should friends ever be measured by the amount of time they spend with me? Should friends ever be measured with how much understanding they have of us? To me, friends should never be measured. Sure, there are times when you go, “where the hell were you when I was crying? Where were you when all these problems are here?” but my problems are my problems so there must be something wrong with me, that’s why the problems exist. It’s human nature to blame other ppl for things that are not going well with us.

If friends are measured based on all of that, then what is the meaning of friendship when it is something that have to be measured? I have friends who I have not seen for so long (some coming up to years) and yet once in a while when we message each other, I have a sense of belonging because I know that they still think of me, they still care about me and even though we don’t talk so much but I know they are around. I don’t expect my friends to be with me all the time because I know they need their own space to socialize and I for hell am not the person who thinks that THE ONLY person they should ever socialize with is me.

When the time comes when both of us feel suffocated, what happens to that friendship? Will it turn sour? Or maybe it’s just me who is feeling suffocated? Will that request for space be taken as a request to totally end a relationship? Who will really understand my needs and my feelings? No one. Who will understand you better than yourself? No one. In times of solitude, it all boils down to oneself. We live for ourselves, not for others. If we were to take everyone’s perspective of you in mind and be hurt about it, then I would think there’s nothing great about you.

Do we say things just to get pity from others? When asked, we definitely deny it but deep down inside, is it because we just want to be pitied? Do we hope that the friends we lose will come running back to us once they see how miserable we are? My friend once said, “Do not think of only the times someone has deserted you, think also of the times when someone HAS stood by you through thick and thin, through sunshine and rain. Appreciate the person for being with you through those times and not blame the person for that one time he/she is not there.” I can relate to that. I am trying to use that principle. If we only continue to find faults with the friends we have, with the life we’re leading then we will never truly achieve happiness. Think positive. Don’t dwell your thoughts on why your life sucks but be thankful that you are living now because some people who do deserve life are denied of it. Do not think that you’re alone just because your friends have stepped away for a while but be thankful that you do have friends because no one is able to leave alone no matter what they say. Friends come bundled with the life package.

So who are your friends? I would say I have a lot, even those far from me physically and emotionally. I know I think of them sometime and only god knows about it. I don’t need to let them know that I’m thinking of them because as long as god knows, that’s all I need. I know I’m a free thinker but I hope that god does treat my friends well and to clear their mind of confusion and frustration.

update

2005-08-13T17:05:00.000+08:00

Haven’t really updated for a while and ppl are beginning to think whether I’m still alive or not… fret not earthlings, I am still alive and kicking. Few days ago, the haze was so freaking terrible that all you breathe in is smoke. Everyone was wearing a mask (except me) and all of a sudden it’s as if we were invaded by ninjas. In those few days, staying inside the house was hell because my parents closed all the doors and windows to prevent the haze from coming into the house so naturally it was so freaking stuffy, I felt like dying. Oh well, I have it better than my friends who are living in the hostel and they do not have air-con so when they close their windows, it’s like an oven. The hazy days made me feel annoyed easily and I get cranky. I just didn’t want to do anything, not even step outside the house. People talk to me a lil and I get annoyed and like push them away. Oh well, sometimes I like being left alone.

Haven’t really talked to Walter since Tuesday. Got news that he was looking for me yesterday but the odd thing was, he didn’t call me but called my friend instead. I found it weird that if he was looking for me, the logical thing to do was to call me instead of my friend. No idea what he was thinking. Don’t have the energy to think so much since my exams are coming and I have no time to think about trivial stuff like this.

Anyway, I’m glad Yow Fei liked the present Walter and I gave him. He’s finally 21 years old, big boy already. I hope he has a smooth year ahead of him. As for Lina, she’s so busy with her studies that I haven’t really talked to her for a long long time. Madeleine’s busy too and I think that applies to all my friends. They are busy and so am I so I totally understand when they are too busy to look for me because the same applies to me. Time’s a wasting, so take care everyone! Till then, see ya!

poetry again... >.<''

2005-07-24T21:17:00.000+08:00

I saw you standing on the rooftop,
With the soft wind caressing your hair,
Like an angel you stood with grace,
You smiled at me when you turned around.

That was my first image of you,
Something so pure and sacred,
Looking at me with such innocence,
I feel a great gust of wind pass by.

We started talking to each other,
Creating happy moments together,
I feel as if time passed by slowly,
Whenever we are apart.

I smiled quietly to myself,
Feeling the days pass by,
I feel the impending doom,
And I feel sad suddenly.

I know I have to leave you,
I wish it wouldn’t be so soon,
I saw a faint image of you,
Running towards me while I fall.

I feel my life draining away,
As I looked at you for one last time,
I wonder if we shall ever meet again,
I wish you would not cry those tears.

My love for you is great,
My love for you is true,
What does it mean to love someone?
To be able to die in their place?

Would leaving them alone make them happy?
Would leaving them make them realize?
Realize that my love for you is true?
That I would die for you?

As I smile sadly,
I caressed your face,
I whispered those three words,
I love you.

poem

2005-07-21T22:02:00.000+08:00

it's one of those days when my imagination runs wild... when the night is still young and when my creative juices flow. it's not the best because it's spontaneous. don't worry guys, nothing to worry or panic... it's just "fiction" ^_^
-
The north wind is blowing,
And I shiver uncontrollably,
Was I shivering because it was cold?
Or was I shivering because I’m lonely?

Why is this happening to me?
Why is it that I’m hurting him?
Why is it that my tears are falling?
Why is it that I have to feel pain?

He is suffering I know that,
Yet I could not ease his suffering,
What good am I if I can’t do that?
What good am I if I can’t comfort him?

What is this pain in my heart?
Is it what I think it is?
Is this what you call love?
Is hurting loving?

Maybe what they said was right,
Love is one pleasure and a thousand suffering,
How long have we got to suffer?
How long before we can be happy?

Somebody tell me what to do,
Somebody tell me please,
I am on my knees and crying,
Thinking of what is to be.

things happen for a reason

2005-07-06T21:40:00.000+08:00

So many things have happened in the span of one week or so. First off, I have to say that the Lee Hom concert in Genting Arena of Stars was great! He looked hot as usual and he improved a little in his dancing. Malaysia was his first stop in his World Tour (surprise, surprise!) and his song that he dedicated to us fans nearly had me in tears. I got to see him play the piano, violin, drums and er-hu. The only thing missing was he didn’t play the guitar like the last time he was here so that was a little disappointing. Nevertheless, it was really enjoyable. All the old songs he sang were nostalgic in a sense and it’s been a while since I last attended a concert and I really enjoyed it. I went up with my two cousins and my cousin’s friend. We stayed at Awana and after the concert, we headed down to Starbucks. Hey, what can I say? I’m pro-Starbucks now. ^_^ I had a mini holiday which I really needed. Haven’t been on a holiday for a long time and even though it was a very short one, it was nonetheless a getaway.

The next thing that happened to me was my computer died on me. After many sleepless and restless nights of fixing and analyzing the computer, it was found out that the graphics card was causing all these problems but not until my computer was fully reformatted that I found out about that. So yeah, I lost everything. Well, not exactly everything but I lost a big portion of my mp3s and movies so I gotta start all over again. I lost my Full House drama which was a real waste. I can’t imagine going through the hassle of downloading the drama again. *sigh* things just happen for a reason I guess.

Things happen for a reason.

My soul is stretched thin,
It is battered and torn,
Tired and worn out,
It is done for.

Everything is a whirlwind,
I am confused and hurt,
Why does it always happen to me?
Why does it have to be?

Walking out is not a solution,
Guilt is just a feeling,
Love is also a feeling,
Yet what do you know?

What do you know about feelings?
What do you care about feelings?
What do you care about the effects?
What do you care about me?

Leaving me when you feel like it,
Coming back when you feel like it,
What do you think I am?
Some kind of deity with a heart of gold?

Your emotions are like a roller-coaster,
Going up and down like a blink of an eye,
You take me up for a ride,
Leaving me breathless and nauseous.

You said I played you out,
You said I toyed with your feelings,
You said all the things that hurt,
Yet have you ever listened?

When will all these be over?
The game of cat and mouse,
When will we finally be free?
When will we finally heal?

You do the things that make me laugh,
You do the things that make me cry,
The scale is not balanced,
The frustration outweighs the happiness.

I feel as if my world revolves around you,
I feel as if I have to do everything that pleases you,
I feel as if I no longer lead my own life,
I feel as if I have no control on my life.

Leave me if you really want to,
Leave me if you feel better,
Leave me if you don’t want to get hurt,
Leave me.

It has finally happened..

2005-06-16T22:40:00.000+08:00

Why is it that there are so many obstacles in our friendship? Who is it that’s thinking too much? Me or him? “How important am I to you?” he asked me… I can’t give him the answers he wants, I can’t give him the love he wants and I can’t reciprocate his love. I know it’s selfish but I really don’t want him to waste anymore time on me.

How many times have I said sorry? It can’t mend the wound I inflicted on him. Here we are talking about the things that have haunted the both of us. How to teach someone to forget love? How to teach someone to forget me? How to teach someone to take away the pain?

How do I manage to put on a mask everyday when I know he is hurting because of me? He says not to feel guilty, not to say sorry but I can’t because that is the very thing I am feeling. It is eating away at my heart.

Why is having a friendship so painful? Why is maintaining a friendship so hard to do? Why can’t we just be friends? Why is that both of us have to suffer? Why is it that HE has to suffer? Why can’t god just leave him alone and let him have a better life? Why did god made us meet each other and then cause him so much pain? Why does god pick on him?

So it has finally happened. The final break-up. The final decision of leaving each other until we are both better and stronger. How long will it take? How long will we be apart? I wish someone could take away his pain. I wish he would be a better and stronger person. I wish for so many things yet how many of them came true?

I was listening to X Japan’s “Forever Love” when it all happened and I cried. This is the translation of the lyrics of the song.

I can no longer walk alone
The winds of time are too strong
Ah, I should have gotten used
To hurting, but now...

Ah, please hold
My weeping heart
In this time when everything keeps changing
If we have our unchanging love

Will you hold my heart?
Please catch my tears
It seems as if it will break, all my heart

Forever love, forever dream
Only my overflowing memories
Passionately, painfully fill the time
Oh, tell me why

All I see is blue in my heart

Will you stay with me?
Until the wind passes away
Once again they overflow, all my tears

Forever love, forever dream
Please stay by my side
In the dawn, hold my trembling heart
Oh, stay with me

Ah, if only it would all end
In this endless night
Ah, there is nothing
That I would lost, except you

Forever love, forever dream
Please stay by my side
In the dawn, hold my trembling heart

Ah, will you stay with me?
Until the wind passes away
More than anyone, I want you with me

Forever love, forever dream
I can't walk any further than this
Oh, tell me why; oh, tell me true
Tell me the meaning of life

Forever love, forever dream
In the midst of my overflowing tears
Until that shining season becomes eternity
Forever love

inspiration hits..

2005-06-10T20:11:00.000+08:00

Yoshiki's ballads are heart wrenching. It gets to me and it is night. It's the time when inspiration hits and I wrote this somewhat depressing poem. The night is quiet...

I sit alone in a room devoid of warmth,
I sit alone in the dark corner thinking,
I held my body close and started shivering,
Who is there to provide me with warmth?

The soft drops of rain hit the window,
I looked up and it seemed as if heaven is crying,
Is heaven crying because I am crying?
Is God even aware of the state I am in?

The melancholic music hits the chords,
The chords of loneliness that was sleeping,
It awakens now and strikes hard,
I clutched my chest as I felt the pain.

I reached out into the darkness,
There was nothing to hold on,
There was no shred of hope,
There was only nothingness.

I looked at the people around me,
I wondered how they can be so happy,
How the joy found their way into their lives,
I wondered where mine went.

I looked outside at the rain,
My eyes devoid of emotions,
I felt loneliness eating at my heart,
Soon I will be nothing but a shell.

Where will my soul be?
Will my soul be with her?
Will my soul be with them?
Will my soul be lost?

I gave up looking for directions,
I was already lost in the first place,
Nobody to turn to in times of need,
I turn to myself instead.

It seems I am living in a desert,
Bare as far as the eye can see,
There is nothing that can save me,
But maybe there is still hope.

YOSHIKI HAYASHI!!!

2005-06-08T22:05:00.000+08:00

“Yoshiki Hayashi, you’ve conquered my heart. You are the epitome of greatness, I wanna be in your grace.”

Right now, I’m just smitten over Yoshiki of X Japan fame. I saw him on a recent show on Hey Hey Hey! with Gackt and I am just bowled over by his attractiveness. I mean hello?! The guy is like what… 40 years old? He is still oozing machoness and oh my god, I can just drool over him. With his crystal Kawai piano, he is like the prince charming I’ve never known.

In the program, he was just so polite and smiling so much while I get the feeling as if Gackt thinks he himself is great and handsome just because he’s real popular in Japan. You know, like a show off kinda person but Yoshiki is the total opposite. And sweet Jesus, he’s attractive! *tries to stop drooling*

Right now I’m downloading his DVD live performance with the Symphony Orchestra. He learned the piano at the age of 4 and then proceeded to learn the guitar, drums and bass. He was the leader of X Japan and wrote most if not all of the songs. He has produced Glay and Dir En Grey just to name a few. Currently he is involved with his solo project Violet UK. I have the Eternal Melody II album and it’s mostly classical pieces.

I gotta say sorry to Lee Hom. “Sorry darling but Yoshiki’s conquered my heart for now..”

GO YOSHIKI, YOU SEXY MACHO MAN!!

void

2005-05-31T20:59:00.000+08:00

So this is what it feels like after it has happened. Something empty in me. I know what I’ve done to him; I’ve caused him so much pain so much misery and I feel so guilty that I could feel guilt eating at my heart. Soon, maybe I won’t have a heart anymore… just an empty shell with no soul, everyday putting on a mask. So this is what it feels like.

It’s not that I don’t need him; it’s just that I can’t give him what he wants. Rather than dragging it on and on why not end it so that we can eventually heal? How long it will take to heal I really don’t know. I really wish we could go back to those times when he just started working, when he didn’t like me the way he liked me now. Those times we could be best of friends, laughing and talking like we used to. Now, it seems as if he wants me to forget him but I can’t. I can’t do it.

I think of the things he got me, the perfume, the pendant I now wear around my neck, the sushi he did for me when I was at work and I can’t help thinking how selfless he can be. How can I forget all those as if it never happened? How can I forget him when everything about him is still near me?

What will become of us? Will he avoid me? Will there be a distance between us? Will we ever laugh again? Will he be concerned about me again? I don’t know the answers to the questions for all I can do now is cry.

...

2005-05-29T08:50:00.000+08:00

"Love is one pleasure and a thousand sufferings"

well, i have decided to end both our sufferings. it might not be what he wants or agreed but i've decided to end it. why put us in a difficult situation that never seems to be solved or out in the open?

i gotta say i'm sorry for the previous post which has caused grievous hurt to him. in a state of confusion, i vented out my anger not knowing the "real" meaning behind his actions. then, i received his letter and after reading it, all of a sudden i felt real selfish. "so this is how he felt when being with me.." was what i thought. it's been 7 years yet no affirmative answer from me. it's a burden and a suffering he carried around for 7 years. sure there were lapses where he liked other girls but still, it's been 7 years. he would've been tired to the bone.

he took it out and gave it to me so that it won't remind him of me anymore. now it's hanging around my neck and every sound it makes reminds me of him. if this is one of the burdens i can help him carry, so be it. if it makes him less miserable, then i'd rather take it all. he's been through so much, the least i can do is lessen his burden which i hope i am not making it worst.

to everyone who has supported both of us, no matter which side you're on i hope that you can spare us both the questions of how and why and when but just be silent and comfort us both in times of need. thank you from the depths of my heart to you, Walter. thank you for all you've done, all you've sacrificed.

FUCK OFF!

2005-05-28T09:16:00.000+08:00

Right… as if I haven’t got enough of stress already these few days, he had to give me problems. Giving me back the pendant, what the hell does it mean? Hm? That he doesn’t need me anymore? That he wants to be free of everything?

I went out for a movie with my cousin and him. Just because I spent a little more time with my partners at work, he thinks I’m making him invisible. I go out with guys, he gets all emotional. I go out with my cousin he gets all emotional. Just because Frankie was there he gets all emotional. I mean like hello??! Do I not have friends outside his circle? Does he honestly think that any guys who talk to me, who goes out with me have an interest in me? Does he honestly think that I should probably stay away from ALL guys except him?

What makes him think he got the rights to do these kinda things to me? It’s not like it’s the first time it ever happened and I always seem to be the one who has to go down on my bloody knees, acting all vulnerable so that he will snap the hell out of it and “forgive” me. What the hell? A relationship takes two to work, whatever the relationship might be. If he is going to be so sensitive, so possessive then I don’t think I want to be near him. Does he not know that I’m actually tired? Hm? Does anyone actually think whether I am actually suffocating? Does anyone actually know?? No one knows, they only know what they feel.

Since I’m giving so much problems to so many people, it’s best that you guys just steer clear away from me. I don’t want to be accused of making people feel invisible anymore. Just leave me ALONE!! Fuck off!

NoOoOOooOO!!!

2005-05-17T19:52:00.000+08:00

NoOoOOooOO!!! I'm going to start University life soon!! *runs around tearing hair out* it just dawned upon me how heavy that sounded!! god damn it, i'm going for the orientation tomorrow!! i will miss working at Starbucks... i will be a part timer now that i've started studying, meaning i won't get to see my beloved partners anytime soon!! i will miss hefni, francesca, meg, kit, sue li, jo ann, bervie, anil, vincent, simon. i certainly will not miss martin's bad breath (cue:VOMIT) and the stupid dumb bitch Rinna. LOSER! (cue: Puts an "L" shaped finger on head)

and of course, YEAH for other things! peace out peepz!

moody

2005-05-03T21:16:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I hate myself,
I hate the way I feel,
I hate the way I make people feel,
I hate the way the world works.

It seems everything I do is wrong,
Nothing ever seems right,
The road ahead is long,
But it seems dark and alone.

I never wanted to feel this way,
Yet I put myself in such misery,
Sometimes the right one is in front of you,
Yet you never seem to realize it till they’re gone.

Is it my fault that you’re crushed?
Is it my fault for giving you hope?
Is it my fault for putting you in such misery?
Is it my fault for making your world cold?

Where would I be without you?
Where would you be without me?
Would it have been better if we didn’t meet?
Would it have made our world better?

I am torn apart,
I am thrown in confusion,
With the world swirling,
I cringe away from everything.

I tried to find peace,
I tried to find an answer,
The deeper I search,
The faster I fall.

Is it really impossible to have a platonic relationship?
Is it a rule that guys and girls cannot just be friends?
Is there a possibility that we can keep our friendship?
Is there a chance that you will forgive me?

Your intentions are good I know,
Perhaps I am just too blind,
Perhaps I should step away,
And give everyone space to breathe.

Because of you I know what it means,
What it means to love someone,
What it means to care for someone,
What it means to protect someone.

With all the strength left in you,
You try to protect what’s precious to you,
You are tired from the long and hard war,
But you never fail to fight a little longer.

The flame seems to diminish slowly,
As if signaling the life left in you,
Should the flame be extinguished one day,
I would really hope to ignite it again.

I am sorry for all the things I’ve done,
I am sorry for all the things I did,
I am sorry for all the things that happened,
I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart.

I do not deserve such kindness,
I do not deserve such care,
I do not deserve such love,
I do not deserve you at all.

insane laughter

2005-05-01T21:02:00.000+08:00

nyahahahahaha.... i lost my cell phone! nyahahahahaha.. *continuous insane laughter*

my thoughts

2005-04-30T12:05:00.000+08:00

My first impression of him was that he was a very serious person. He was the guy that taught me my blended beverages recipe. He asked me to draw a table and then help me with the recipe to which I still have to this day. I heard him shout at one of the partners one day and I was terrified of him. I wondered if he would start shouting at me but thank god I rarely share the same shift with him. Time passed by and now we’re calling each other “darling”.

I owe most of my knowledge to him. He really did teach me a lot, how to steam milk and produce good foam, how to dismantle the bar mocha pump, how to calibrate the La Marzoco. He was like a mentor to me, teaching me all the necessary and yet still caring for me at the same time.

Time passed by and I felt really comfortable with him. Without his presence I felt something was amiss. He wasn’t supposed to be here at Leisure Mall, he helped us out because he was new and now on Monday, he’s going back to Maluri which he said he doesn’t want to as he doesn’t feel welcomed anymore. I understand how he feels; the partner(s) over there are somewhat unwelcoming sometimes.

We share so much in common. We both like Earl Grey, Raspberry Frappuccino and both of us have mood swings though perhaps his is worst than a girl’s. He did not give much material things but the immaterial things that he did give were invaluable. The effort he put in when making my hot chocolate is the first I’ve ever encountered. I laugh so much with him, the moments we share together and the phrases only both of us understand make me smile when I think of it. How long has it been since I laughed so hard and so sincerely? Thank you, Frankie for making my life brighter and for widening my knowledge. Thanks for the feedback to which I will try my hardest to change what needs to be changed.

On another hand I have him who is like the opposite of Frankie. If Frankie is the sun, he is the moon. Dark and lonely, he lurks among the shadows. He blends in effortlessly. His added advantage would be the years he has known me. We shared so many moments together, laughing and crying. Most of the things I have on me everywhere I go is the pick he gave me and the cell phone strap Harajuku girl hanging on my cell phone. I am reminded of him when I come in contact with these. I smell Hugo Boss Intense and I think of him because it was a gift from him. I remember him walking side by side with me when we crossed the street. He said if anything happens, the cars will hit him first and I felt touched that he actually thought of that.

I’m not sure if he is still what he is before. He said he has changed. I believe that he has from his hairstyle to his “don’t give a fuck” attitude. He used to be so different. Can life really change someone so drastically? His sincere laughter now seems to be a distant memory, slowly fading away. What I have now in front of me may not be the real person he is. I know he is depressed, lonely, tired and it rubs off on me. I know the type of person he is and it seems to resonate in me till I feel tired and breathless.

What Francesca said might be true. I am still young; all I have ever liked are boys not men. Maybe it really is not the time to be thinking of matters like these. I have survived so long without being in a serious relationship. What cannot break me will only make me stronger. Sure, I need pampering once in a while but I really would like all my current relationship to be where it is now. No added commitments, no added weight, just pure fun without any ties.

I would just like to say thank you to these two guys that have brought a difference to my life no matter how small it is.

what my birthdate means..

2005-04-30T11:29:00.000+08:00

Your Birthdate: December 20

Your birth on the 20th day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your reading.

The 2 energy provided here is very social, allowing you to make friends easily and quickly.

Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group.

You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection.

You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil.

It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in.

When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

busy busy busy

2005-04-17T22:59:00.000+08:00

i'm still alive guys.

Hugo Boss

2005-03-31T09:59:00.000+08:00

Hugo Boss "Intense" is a scent that i liked and he got it for me! i was esctatic, seriously. he pampers me far too much... THANK YOU! i really really appreciate it. ^_^ *runs around with perfume in hand*

FARK BLACK CANYON

2005-03-16T21:31:00.000+08:00

the waiters/waitresses there as well as the kitchen ppl are really nice ppl but the management team can kiss my yellow shapeless ass. Daniel the manager can go fark himself for all i effing care. he should be castrated and be gay coz he looks the part. the management team can go screw themselves, they have no respect for the ppl that makes the whole restaurant operates. why should we have respect for them when they don't respect us? workin us like slaves with the meagre pay, what makes them so great? without us waitresses/kitchen helpers, they think they can make it on their own? they'll be swimming in their own shit. BLACK CANYON is a farked up place, don't work there. i've decided to boycott their place even though the food is good but when i think about the manager, i lost any appetite i might have. BLACK CANYON JUSCO MALURI, you can kiss my yellow shapeless ass. fuck off DANIEL, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.

lyric

2005-03-12T22:26:00.000+08:00

I love this song from Kelly Clarkson that is in her second album. Real nice song.

"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

>.<

2005-03-11T21:41:00.000+08:00

I haven't had solid meat for 2 weeks and as a result, i lost 2 kgs since i started work. can you believe i only lost 2 kgs? sheesh, it's so hard to lose weight but so easy to gain it back. i'm determined to lost another 3 kg if possible. life would probably be slightly easier now that i'm in Starbucks. the working environment is definitely different than that of Black Canyon. ARGH! i've got so many things to settle!

BWARGH!!~

2005-02-26T00:01:00.000+08:00

i was a near victim of pickpocket. YES, you heard me right. pickpocket. i was taking a bus frm Jusco maluri after work back home and the bus was crowded and this group of guys were pushing around till i heard my hp drop to the floor and was kicked around by this guy and luckily someone else was kind enough to pick it up and return to me after i said it was mine. then, there were more pushing around and i was shocked to feel a hand groping around inside my bag (because after my hp drop to the floor, i put it in my bag coz i thought maybe my pants' pocket shallow and those pushing around could've pushed it out). i shouted "EXCUSE ME" and this guy in front of me was smirking at me and he pulled out his hand and suddenly the whole group of guys got off the bus. i thought i was being over-sensitive or something until one uncle told me (after he saw me checking for my stuff in my bag) that those guys were trying to pickpocket and he was alert enough to tell me that he pickpocketed my hp and it dropped to the floor. that was like freakin scary after you come to think of it. MANNnnnn... i hope those guys die a slow and painful death. maybe like death by castration... slowly castrate them till the blood pours non-stop from the gash to their balls. how dare they do this!! let's also hope that they're Catholics so that maybe someday they will be pursuaded to commit suicide and their souls will be tortured endlessly in hell. *evil thoughts running around* i am SOoOooOooOo gonna take my school bag (a.k.a camping bag) to work in future. GrrRRr!

Happy Valentine's Day

2005-02-14T21:11:00.000+08:00

so, it's that time of the year again where one finds self either lonely and depressed or together with their special someone. to me, it's just another day but this year is a little different as i get to share this day with him. it's stupid but i feel contented today. no "i hate V Day" feeling or "V Day sucks" kinda feeling. i'm contented, thank you Greg. Happy Valentine's Day all!

Chinese New Year!!

2005-02-08T15:54:00.000+08:00

It's Chinese New Year tomorrow! WOo HooOO!~ angpau and gambling time again. best time of the year! pity those who are married coz they have to fork out a considerable amount but bwahahahhaha... i am gonna get angpau! been busy cleaning the house these few days and putting up some decoration. reunion dinner in a few more hours. i also updated Scent Of Love before the Chinese New Year and i'm glad at how the story is going. it's gonna be dark from there onwards. *rubs hands in glee* ciaoz ppl and Happy Chinese New Year!

Revamped!

2005-01-31T18:20:00.000+08:00

yes yes... all of you should have noticed by now that i have a new layout for my blog. right now, i'm just filled with a sense of pride. i am amazed how i've achieved this! i have absolutely no sense of what HTML codes are so i was just fooling around and poof! here comes the layout and all. i know it's not perfect (the stupid links word is so blinkin small and of different colour than it should be) but hey, i'm happy so i don't care what you think! bwahahahha.... by the way, if you think the fonts are too small for you to read.. press crtl and + . it will increase the size. and yeah, i've updated Scent Of Love

my friend reminded me that i've been pretty angry few posts back so i'm gonna be contented for a while. bought a skirt for Chinese New Year! ^_^ now, to find a top to match it. darn, it's raining like cats and dogs here.

A LEVEL!

2005-01-22T11:09:00.000+08:00

i got my results!!!!!!!
i got an A for GP
a C for Economics
and yeah, the remaining two subjects weren't that good... an E for both of them. ^_^;;
but anyhow, happy i got an A for GP!!
*runs off happily*

SHIT YOU!

2005-01-17T17:13:00.000+08:00

I wonder what is wrong with me. I wonder why I am so pissed. Someone from the internet had a conversation with me. I don’t even know her that well and here she is giving me some independence shit. She said “you get your money from your bro? Don’t you think he had to work hard to give you money to buy the things that you want? You should get a job and make it better for him”. Something along those lines and I’m like WTF??!! It’s not like I haven’t tried getting a job and it’s not like I’m a leech or something. And I hate that shit about “you can make more money overseas” and stuff like that. If I don’t like doing it, I don’t give a damn about whether it’s gonna give me more money or not. I may be immature thinking that way but seriously. I have an uncle who keeps saying “you should teach piano. You can make more money.” I’ll be like “gimme a break.” Just because he likes making more money doesn’t mean everybody loves money to death. Sure, money gets you some of the things you want but that just make the world a materialistic place. I hate teaching piano (because I don’t have a talent for that) and so what it gives me more money? Like I fucking care! I totally hate all that shit about earning more money overseas and stuff. Malaysia isn’t that bad a place (well, with the occasional assholes, pigs and the weak currency) and I hate it when ppl say “don’t you wanna move? You can make more money in eg. Canada, US, England. I also hate it when ppl think I’m this like dependent lil teenager that only wants to get money by receiving pocket money from hard-earning parents/siblings instead of busting my own ass to get it. IF YOU DON’T KNOW ME, DON’T TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME. LEAVE ME ALONE HYPOCRITES!

2005-01-16T01:07:00.000+08:00

this stupid bastard decide to write something. something which i think only a person devoid of emotions and devoid of IQ. in fact, i think even retards don't write shit like this. this is the link. go there, read his more recent entries and let me know what you think. leave your comments on my page and let me know. the fucker's fucking fucked up blog.

boring

2005-01-12T13:32:00.000+08:00

it's so god damn bloody hot here!! *fans self* it's hot and i'm bored. probably will join parents to go to Jusco coz at least there's air-conditioning there. gotta go get myself a lip-gloss. wonder where mine went. *scratches head* in this time of boredom, i forced myself to write chapter 3 of Scent of Love

so i guess right now i'm just waiting for comments and waiting for that outing with jian and sarah on friday. wanna go get walter's birthday present too although i think it's a lil late for that but then, it's the thought that counts.

bah, it's too hot to think about anything else!

feelings

2005-01-10T01:27:00.000+08:00

I’m currently having a major confrontation with kit. I let him know what a bitch is girlfriend is and all I get is “I didn’t know about it.” “I’m sorry.” “I love you” what the hell? I am already so pissed about this entire whole thing and all I get are those? I’m so angry at myself for crying about it. I’m so angry I’m crying.

What are friends when they leave you?

What are friends when they betray you?

Like the god of war Ares,

I rise up like fire and full of vengeance.

Are those three words no longer sacred?

Are they to be uttered in any situation at all?

Are feelings really to be toyed with?

Have we no emotions left in us?

Tears fall ever so easily,

Wetting the fabric on me,

With emotions in turmoil,

What am I to do?

Where are friends when I am down?

Where is the comfort that I seek?

Where is the shoulder to cry on?

The very things that friends promise me?

Loneliness caress my very soul,

With sharp claws it cuts me deep,

With a dark blanket over the sky,

I cry within the darkness of my room.

Who is to know of what is to be?

Who will be there to dry my tears?

Who will be there to comfort me?

Only the darkness lurking around the corner.